My situation is a little difficult. My H is in jail. I only had internet access at work (untill tonight, I'm on at home for the very 1st time!!!!)and work is the only place I can print anything.So to print out anything from this website is next to impossible. I've told my H a little about this website, but there is an awful lot here to try to tell him. So anyway, my question is: Is it normal for the BS to go back and forth with there reaction. I ask because, I came home from work tonight & got a letter that my H wrote only 2 days ago. In the letter he says how we are meant to be together, he doesn't want to live without me (no suicidal talk or anything) & that we will make it thru this for us & for our son. How great our life will be (when he comes home) in the future. Then he calls me later in the night saying he "doesn't know how I live with myself" how could I have another man in "his house"? (it's not his house, we/I rent an apartment from his father, I pay rent every month, when he was home he never gave his father a dime) I just don't get it!!! I know he is hurt & I really think I've been doing really well. I don't get angry or yell & for the most part he doesn't either. He just seems to have these outbursts from time to time. He hung up on me tonight, then an hour later, called back. I still accepted his collect call, even after being hung up on & I was nice. 1st he said he was sorry, but went right back to being a jerk, then hung up on me again. Some one please explain this to me!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

It is the emotional rollercoaster of wanting to restore your marriage and dealing with the hurt. If you could possibly get him One of the Harley's books that would help him understand both sides of the coin. How to Survive an Affair is a great one. We are all at different stages, and sometimes we have a great break through just to fall back...but there is always someone here to help both the BS and the WS. That is all I can suggest, sorry it isn't more. I will pray for your family.

Faith,
Thanks! I have seen other people post about the books, but I never even thought about sending him one. (I should probably get myself one too) That's a great idea!!!! I am learning why LBing is such a bad thing. H has been doing a lot of that, but he doesn't know about any of that.

Chelle, Your H is in a place where he has nothing to do but think about what you have done/might be doing. I'm not locked up and even with my job I had plenty of time to think of my WS and the OM. Your H's situation is even worse. He's got nothing but time. If you're working to rebuild your marriage be patient with him. You can be active. He's got 4 walls and an over active imagination. His uncontrolled thought life is your worst enemy right now.

Just love him the best you can and try to reassure him of that. It takes time and after you go through the books it will help. Also consider a session with Steve Harley, I haven't yet due to money, but I hear everyone else suggesting it. All my prayers!

Chell,<p>Hey girl! It's really hard to explain but what your H is feeling is probably par for the course. I know in the beginning I would go for weeks sometimes months being an angel. W was still involved and lying and hiding it so that didn't help. When I found out or figured it out is when I LB'd to her. Regardless, I still had moments when my hurt and anger was really bad. Most of the time I dealt with it on my own. I know he's locked up so that probably is even more difficult to deal with. I will say (and I'm sure that many here will back me up) that in the beginning almost every minute of every day I thought about the A. Not all bad thoughts, but we kinda walk around like zombies. Some people don't care enough to deal with it or they find it easier to put it out of there minds and just go on existing. I know it hurts and you don't know how to help. It's really fantastic that you want to - you should be proud of yourself for that. It's also probably pretty good that he's willing to face what's going on. He's dealing with it and processing it. He's trying to find his way. I hope you don't think I'm suggesting that you sit and take abuse. No, not at all. I'm just trying to show you what's going on in his mind. He's thinking about it 24/7 and his emotions are really in control right now. Just keep loving him. That is really all you can do. Time does heal.<p>You really have a lot of empathy. I hope reading this doesn't make you feel bad. That's not my intent. Just trying to paint a picture.<p>
who

Who,
Hi. I know he thinks about it all day. Believe me, so do I. I know it hurts him more to think about it than it does me. I don't know, one minute I feel like things are getting better & the next minute, everything seems shot to hell again. I am going to see him tomorrow. That will probably help. Our visits usually go very well. It's the phone calls & letters that are not so good. I don't think he realizes how much I regret it, how much I wish it never happened. I try to explain to him, in my mind, I wasn't cheating on HIM, I was cheating on the drunk that only cared about himself & where his next beer was coming from. I also know, that wasn't really him, it was the control the alcohol had over him (although that person will always be there somewhere). But, when you live with it every day, when you feel like the one person you love most in the world, cares more about a can of beer, than he does you, that is really hard!!!! I am understanding more & more about alcoholism. I go to alanon & I've been reading a lot. My father is an alcoholic too, although it just made him miserable, he never got in trouble, or lost jobs or anything. I guess it is just going to take time, I'm a very impatient person, I guess I need to work on that, huh? I just have a hard time not getting angry. When he talks to me like he did tonight, it really brings back some of my anger & resentment I have towards him. I've been doing pretty well trying to put that behind me, except for times like these. I have been good about not taking it out on him. I've done very well, I think, Keeping from losing my temper. I'm glad I have this board to vent, I need to get these frustrations out.
Hope all is well with you!!!!<p>chelle

chelle96 go talk to a therapist or counselor if possible.<p>Joe

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by CHELLE96:
<strong>Who,

But, when you live with it every day, when you feel like the one person you love most in the world, cares more about a can of beer, than he does you, that is really hard!!!! chelle</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Just want to address this one thing. He's an alcoholic. He is diseased. I can't speak for him but I can almost promise you with 99% accuracy that your statement is not true. His addiction and his love for you are two different things. He's probably made promise after promise only to fail. He wants to change but really can't because of his disease. So next time you find yourself thinking this way understand it has nothing to do with you. If you keep letting yourself think like this then your self esteem is going to take a beating.<p>
who

Who,
I know it's not true, but it always felt that way. Like I said, I'm learning a lot about this disease, and I'm understanding it better. But just because I know that now, doesn't mean I can look at everything I've went thru in the past & say, "oh well, he didn't mean it, it's O.K". I have a lot of pain inside myself still. I'll work thru it. I know one day, everything will be O.K. It's just getting to that point thats hard. I guess that's what we are all doing.<p>
Joe,
Counseling? I'm sure I probably do need that. I think I'm very mentally screwed up, from my H, but mostly from my father. That's not an option. I'm basically a single mom (financially, anyway) I can't afford it.<p>Chelle