I need to express myself. I found this place and like to say something. Sometimes I feel I can explode in any second. Really my life changed since May of Last year when I found out that my wife had an A. It feel like the earth broke in half on me. Day and night I have been in a heavy mix of emotions. <p>We have been a very good couple with tree kids but soon seems like life ended.
First when I found out We confronted the OM and his wife to finish the relationship. I handled it well during that day. We both never have confronted them again. We have hard and difficult moments of rage. We went to see MC since May to start rebuilding our marriage.<p>Before I found out about the A, we have made plans to move to a new home located in the same street of the OM. Our home was in construction and it was going to be ready in September 2001. I did not have peace in my heart. l had anxiety when I thought of moving in the same street of the OM. We had planned to move to another city but we decided to stay with our previous plans to move to our new house because this will be the best for our kids. We moved to the new house in September and have not seen them. It had been stressful sometimes. <p>I was in medication for about two months to cope with the emotional impact but now I am off of any medication. After five months in MC the C decided to end the sessions because she didn't see any commitment from me. At that time and still now I am trying to look for some help(Other Counselor). I am dealing with trust in my wife again. We both work together and are together almost 24 hrs a Day. We keep one car for both to go to work and to be together all the time. It has been only a few times that we have been apart. If I have to go out by myself I disconnect all the phones and take them with me.<p>After the D-Day my wife decided to stop any relationship with OM, also we decided to end seen old friends we both have in common. I want to stay away from old friends who know both of us. I do not trust my wife talking to anybody over the telephone unless family members. My wife agrees to stop contact with old friends and any telephone conversation. I thank my wife for her commitment to end the A and rebuild our marriage. After D-Day my wife was doing everything to save our marriage. I think at that time she did not feel too much control from me. I need help to start trusting my wife but do not know how to start. I also do not know if I have too much control. I am looking for more help. This site has been very helpful. I do not know how, but We still here.

What if there's a fire or one of your kids gets hurt while you're out with the phones? Yes you have too much control, that's bordering on false imprisonment. I think you went overboard cutting off all contact with your friends and forbidding your wife to speak with anyone outside of the family, but I have no idea whether that decision had any connection with her affair.<p>What work have the two of you done to figure out why she had the affair? What was she seeking? Have you completed the EN questionaire?<p>It sounds as if, by being with your wife almost every minute and rendering her incommunicado in the odd moment you're not with her, you are giving her no opportunity to demonstrate that she has earned your trust. How then can you rebuild it?<p>Take a deep breath and back up three giant steps.

Oh, and read some of Annavon's posts and tell me if you see yourself in the description of her husband. If you do, you need to run to the nearest anger management course before something terrible happens.

Charynne<p>Thank you for your reply. You are right about the safety of our kids and I am working about never let that happen. I love my kids and I now I am aware about the safety isues. <p>I stopped the communications with our friends because they still have contact with the OM and his ex-wife. I do not want them to ask or to know anything about us. <p>We recently purchased the books His Needs, Her Needs and Fall in Love Stay in Love, but have not done any of the Q yet.<p>Please let e know where can I find Annavon's posts.

Hi Good-Dad,<p>I know how you're feeling man - I really know. <p>My wife's first affair was about 4 years ago. When it was over, she told me about it. The OMs W also knew and then both of them started telling our friends ALL about what happened. I think the OMs W was seeking her revenge and looked for ways of hurting my W.<p>What can I say. It wasn't easy knowing that EVERYBODY knew about my Ws A - with the exception of me. However, I did learn to value my friends though. They never judged me or my wife - if they did, they never showed it. To be honest, I really believe that they had made some experiences in life and know how hard it can be.<p>Also, a friend of mine said to me 'Love is like a butterfly. If you try and hold it in your hand so that it won't fly away - you'll damage the wings and it will die. Loves like that'. It took me a while to work out the message but I began to understand. You can't lock up your wife or your children. You can only work on trying to be a better you. And doing that can achieve a lot.<p>A good place to start is to get beyond the anger and then the fear. If you can't get beyond this then you'll have troubles saving your relationship and being a better you. I'm still banging doors by the way - I flipped out last week, smashed the door too and the stormed out of the house. I regretted it immediately. However, my W understands the stress we're under at the moment so she's looking beyond that [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>take care,<p>- Freddy

Good-Dad ~<p>I'd like to strongly recommend that you call Steve Harley for counseling. He's available through the "Counsel" link for phone appointments.<p>He will be able to talk with you and your wife, and help you build a plan in which both you and your wife will be safe to start loving and trusting again.<p>I'm 8 months past the end of my H's affair, and by practicing the MB's plan with the help of the Harleys - my relationship is better than its ever been in its entire 11 years. <p>My husband and I use the POJA to make sure I am comfortable and safe with his activities. yes, it means that he doesn't have the same freedom that he had before...but its not MY rules...its OUR rules...and thats the difference.<p>I agree, you are way over the line with controlling your wife. But I also understand the panicked crazy feelings of fear that drive that need to control everything all of the time.<p>Do you want a wife...who willingly loves you? Or do you want a prisoner?

Good-Dad, here's Annavon's thread about her fear of negotiating a haircut for her daughter with her husband. It grew to three pages, but it is well worth reading through:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=007658<p>You can look for Annavon's other posts by clicking on the little picture of sunglasses while in her original post, and then selecting "view recent posts," Actually, you can see what everyone has said in any other thread by doing the same thing.

Good-Dad,
some of what you've said reminds me of my dad. I am so glad to see that you are asking for help in this situation. I am also having trust issues with my H after a near emotional A (especially because he still works with her and hasn't told her to take a hike --which I need to pose my own question.) But, your wife has done many wonderful things. You should value her extraordinarily for her commitment to you. She loves you man and she may never have an A again, just from how it sounds. I wouldn't put up with not having phones and all of that, if I was she. I would have been gone. I'm saying that in light of the kind of woman you have...she's very committed to pleasing you. Trust her first with the phones, esp. for the safety issues mentioned above. Now, about noone knowing...it sounds like you don't want anyone to know because of how you'd look...it won't look good and I too am guarded about who knows about my H near EA. But, if it's gonna come out, it's gonna come out. You will both look bad, but you will both look GREAT for sticking together and toughing it out. Affairs happen, like other life things happen. It happens to a lot more people than you think. Be encouraged. It doesn't matter what others think. It matters what God thinks...and after that what you think of yourself (your wife of herself), what you think of each other and what your kids think of you. Sometimes you can't talk only to family for support and it takes a community to keep a marriage together...that's why we marry before "God and everybody." You're wonderful to seek out help and those questionnaires are important. Keep plugging away and let us know how things are going.