I have issued a no contact letter to my WW but apparently she thinks its a joke, in the aspect that she continues to call me. It has changed her a little bit, now when we talk she sounds, um . . . . normal, can that be? <p>Wrote this letter to WW after a long silent phone converstation we had, waiting to send it, seems like some of the fog may be lifting.<p>Should I send it or do you think she will not get it? we are in week 3 of recovery/discovery.
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WW,<p>I am happy that you have decided to go to Colorado for a bit, I am not so sure that it’s a good idea to let OM’s dad buy you a ticket, unless you really want him to. if you would be open to some negotiation maybe you and I can come up with a solution together, that would be beneficial to both of us. I am not quite sure that I understand a lot of things right now, mostly what is going on with you. You have to admit it has been an odd turn of events, kind of left me reeling from shock and disbelief. You have opened my eyes to a lot of things lately, and I can understand that our relationship was failing and taking a break from each other would have been a good move, but your giving up on us and seeking someone else was a bad decision.<p>You made a commitment to me, not that long ago in fact, and whether you care or not I am going to honor that commitment until we have dissolved this marriage or have worked our problems out, I would prefer to work out our problems. I don’t expect things to be magically fixed right away, but for those 4 days you were here while we were trying to restore our marriage, that was not a just welcome home treatment, the things that I ignored before are at my full attention, just like they will continue to be should you decide to end this relationship with OM. Unfortunately while you continue to see OM I do not feel that we should or need to talk to each other, I do not feel that it is respectful for you to continue to see him and try and sort this out. <p>I would encourage you to seek counseling, it might be helpful to get an outsiders view on things, I know its helped me. As far as our conversation went tonite I am not sure that you are being you or this other person you have suddenly become, it makes me a little wary. I hope you understand that I am not angry about what your doing with OM, I am hurt and disappointed that we no have to be wondering if we can trust each other to do the right thing right now. I wish I could take back all the hurtful words and self serving needs that I put before you, it’s a fact that I can not, but I can learn from those mistakes, and given a chance you know I would have tried to correct what was wrong, but not given a chance we are now left facing a each other from distant shores, I do not like this, but I am trying to be understanding about your needs. <p>I really do not know what you want from me right now, other than I can keep my distance and let you have this time to figure things out. As I can only voice my opinion and hope that you take some consideration that I really do have Logan’s best interests at heart. The bottom line is its your choice and I hope that you really think about the possible outcome of each solution. I will try to continue to support you in whatever way that will benefit you, but I have to set a boundary line about OM, and that is that nothing can be worked out between you and I if you continue to see/talk/interact with him. <p>When you are ready to make that decision I will be here waiting for you, ready to listen and support you however I can.<p>You are not alone, there are many people who are having the same feelings you are.<p>Please read this link from trueheart a wayward spouse like you who was able to find her happiness w/ her husband. Also read lament of a WS, a wayward spouse who was also unwilling but now is fighting for his marriage.<p>Love always
BS<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: digitalslavery ]</p>

Hi, DS!
I apologize for not keeping up very close to your story, but the weekends a bit slow on here, and I didn't want to leave you hangin!<p>I'm not sure why you issued the no contact letter to your W. Have you done Plan A? I'm sure you've done the reaidng and studying here to know that PLan A is usually the first place to start, but there may be very good reasons why you took that route.<p>So is this letter to remind her of why you want no contact? Are you saying some things in this letter that you didn't say before? or can you just refrain from answering her attempts at contacting you, and give her a simple one or two sentence reminder that you want no contact while OM is in her life.<p>Just trying to get a better feeling for where you are, so we can help better. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

thanks for the reply, I have to say that my thinking behind the no contact letter would be to remove me from the equation, and hence they could get to living "their life". I keep thinking that no contact of very little will keep her thinking about me, and why I am not trying to get in touch. I am most likely wrong but it is only possible to fret about this for so long before you start to feel trapped, I know that there is hope for our recovery its just a long ways away and I want to be a productive person, right now my WW is causing too much distress for me to do much of anything. Remove her and I can focus on me and how I can fix whats wrong with me.

Even though it is true I don't think that telling her she made a bad decision is a good idea, that may put her on the defensive=major LB. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>You made a commitment to me, not that long ago in fact, and whether you care or not I am going to honor that commitment until we have dissolved this marriage or have worked our problems out, I would prefer to work out our problems. <p>I don't know if the part about the commitment is right, that is like telling her, you are bad, you didn't keep your commitment...maybe I'm wrong. Get some more feedback.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>I do not feel that it is respectful for you to continue to see him and try and sort this out. <p>
Possible LB?<p>I would encourage you to seek counseling, it might be helpful to get an outsiders view on things, I know its helped me.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote><p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>As I can only voice my opinion and hope that you take some consideration that I really do have Logan&#8217;s best interests at heart. <p>These are possible LB's because you are telling her what she should do.<p>I am new at this so please get mor input before you send this.

I agree both faiths, this letter is a major lb and I wonder if plan b happened too early. My advice would be go back to plan A and big time. I cna tell you from experience that it really does work. My D-day was 9-15-2001. We are closing on a new house together tomorrow. I know for a fact that if I'd gone to plan b I'd be divorced right now. She was in the fog for 3 months-one after he dumped her. I kept pouring love and affection all over her the whole time and spoke with the om often also. I was never angry when I spoke to him. He eventually realized I was who she belonged with and it wasn't worth it to him to fight it. I pointed out to him the harm he caused and told made sure he knew the dammage it would cause him if I came out with the whole story. <p>You've heard "the squeeky wheel gets the oil"? Become the squeeky wheel to both your wife and the om. Never let up and fight for your marriage like it was your last breath. She (and om) need to know that it will not be easy for them to continue their relationship. Plan b just makes it easier for them and should be an absolute last resort. Separation is the first step towards divorce, not recovery. Others here may not agree but I believe it with every ounce of my being. The more determined you are to succeed the more likely you will be to do it.<p>Don't think for a second that she will just one day wake up and realize that you're the best choice for her. She won't as long as she's still with him. Don't take it personally. It's the way it is. You can't force her to stop seeing him, you can only give her reasons to come to you.

Great answers, and so much more understanding, your right, this letter is a complete LB. I just get to the point right now where I am not angry and mad anymore, I am just tired of being a humble servant and continuing on, our relationship was that way, and I do not want that back. If she still expects to get everything handed to her, well there is nothing I can do, except not meet her and force her to wonder why. whether the loss is permant or temporary I feel better with out her in my life right now. I need to fix me and overcome the hurt, that is not happening while we continue to remain in contact.<p>
I do think the MB principals are excellent, they are just very draining on already emotionally exhausted person. I need some real peace in my life and not being with my WW has given me that. There are many things that I continue to work on, but having to deal with her lies and outright retardedness is just too much right now.

Digital,<p>You may want to look into Michele Weiner-Davis' Last Resort Technique, described in her book, The Divorce Remedy.<p>When I couldn't take a full-blown Plan A anymore, I went to her LRT, and I am doing much better. I think of it as a plan between Plan A and Plan B with the best features of both. You maintain a detachment that protects you, but you also let the WS see the changes you are making in your life.<p>I encourage you to read that book. It may give you a much-needed boost. I think Davis' solution-based approach is very compatible with MB and just reading new stuff can give you an energy infusion when you need it most.<p>What has helped me more than anything is ceasing talking to my H about the A, the M, us, any relationship stuff. I have found it pointless anyway because of the "retardedness". You, like me, have probably already said everything that needs to be said, so just let it go. It is up to her to "hear" it now. Saying it over and over won't facilitate that. It is any internal change that may or may not take place within her that will enable her to hear everything you've said, and you have no control over that.<p>Once you have defined your boundaries, you can then just go into action maintaining them. That's all you have to do. If you don't want a threesome R and you've told her that, then opt out until she offers you an exclusive monogamous R, but you can still be her friend and exhibit to her what a much better catch you would be, just as you did when you first met her. You also may want to read CarolKH's story on here for some great ideas based on Davis' method.