OK everyone you have been reading the post about my husbands email. So you know I called her and they broke it off. She has sent him 2 farewell letters so far. He has not sent any that I know of or called. He told me that he would not contact her again and if he decided to he would move out. I told him that was his only choices. Either commit to this marriage or move out and pick things up with her. I can't live with him knowing he is talking, emailing this other woman. He said he understood and is very angry right now. He said he doesn't want to lose me but he feels like he is losing the only REAL love that he has ever had. I guess I am just a baby factory! Anyway I know that these things don't mean anything and I try to let them go in one ear and out the other. He has let me be affectionate with him and has talked to me some after we got done LBing each others love bank to the red! I told him that I am here for him and always will be no matter what and that I want to be his friend. I told him that I am sorry that he is hurting and I understand his feelings and if he wants to talk I am here. I am going to try and stick by that and not let any mean things he says affect me. He is really bad about throwing around disrespectful judgements even when he isn't mad. I know I shouldn't have called her but I don't think it would have ended any other way. It was the same with drugs the only way he went to treatment was because his friend MADE him by taking him there and admitting him. And he has been sober for 4 years now. I hope that he will not hate me forever for calling her. I didn't tell her she had to break up with him. I told her what my wishes for this marriage were and that I told him to make a choice. I was not mean to her in any way. Let me know any advice about plan a. I read the book but any input would be greatly appreciated. I am not very good at sitting back and letting time take its course.

Your H's ending of his relationship with the OW is HIS decision, not yours, and not something that you're going to force him to do with ultimatums (it's either me or her). All you'll accomplish with these kind of actions is pushing him further away (because you'll seem less interested in his happiness, whether he would be happier with you or with her).<p>You may not like being patient and sitting back to let things run their course, but that's what may be required from you to a certain extent. You'll have to realistically examine what you do and do not have control over in this situation and work to change those things that you actually can make improvements on. If this patience is asking too much of you then you always have the option of leaving.<p>Good Luck [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Lorisue --<p>Nor am I good at standing in the wings awaiting my cue, so I hear you very clearly. You phoned OW out of self-preservation and an attempt to protect and recover your marriage. You were decidedly proactive for your relationship. Why shouldn't you have called OW? MB says not to interfere in the A, that it most probably will die out on its own in 6-8 months, that the WS will resent your intrusion (and he does!). So?...there's really no rule book here, no script for this. None of us really KNOWS what to do, what's best, what's right. We just....do and hope it turns out for the best.<p>Tell him you don't want to hear any of this "only real love" cr*p about her--ever! Your H is in The Fog and until it lifts, you probably will be subjected to more of this verbal abuse, "disrepectful judgements," and similar thoughtless comments. <p>On the other hand, TTF (above) has some excellent advice for you. Now, you may need to bide your time since that and patience could be your wisest course. What feels right for you? <p>I think you're doing a marvelous job of holding yourself together throughout this. You've got a good and stable take on circumstances. It's hard to keep cool when the flames are licking around your ankles. You've done and said some very smart and caring things to him. Don't worry about his "hating you forever for calling her." The Fog prevents any clear or rational thought on his part; part of his anger is his very real guilt about this, not just his imagined "loss."<p>Hang in, Lorisue, and keep in touch with us. <p>Ammon

OK he is now back to telling me he loves me and that hes sorry for all the hurtful things he has said.(Ever feel like your on a yo-yo spinning wildly out of control?) But he doesn't know if he can let it end with OW. I told him fine that is his choice but no SEX until it is ended and if he goes to see her he can expect the locks to be changed when he gets back. He said he understood even though he didn't like it. He is still trying to make up his mind what to do. If nothing else comes from this at least he will be able to respect me for standing up for myself. Let me know what you all think. I am being very nice and telling him I love him. I even brought him home flowers last night. I have been very careful not to LB. The only thing is the withholding of sex but I feel that will help him hurry up his decision. He loves our sex and if he has to see me everyday and can't have it maybe he will make up his mind! It has been less than 24 hours since our final lovemaking and he has been practically begging me on hand and knees to let us keep doing it. He says I wish you could just be happy with an open marriage! I told him that is NOT going to happen. You make your choice and we will go from there.

Well, he just called me and had me read an email he sent to her telling her of his undieing love but that they could no longer email, talk or see each other again. Not quite the no contact letter I was hoping for but it did get his point acrossed to her anyway. Now what do I do? Where do we go from here?