I'm still not getting through to my infatuated wife and feel near to giving up on us and my family. But it's not what I want - my family is the most important thing in my life. She wants to end the marriage and remain friends for the children's sake<p>She shows no remorse or sympathy for the pain she is causing me. Is this likely to be genuine or is she worried that,if she expresses any, she might be diverted from her current course which is providing such high excitement for her?<p>And any ideas for positive coping strategies also very welcome.

Let's see... coping strategies... Here's a few ideas:<p>1. Take up a new hobby. Something you might not normally do - being a bit different might catch WW's interest. And it'll distract you from your situation a bit.<p>2. Take care of yourself physically. Start running, or going to the gym. Get yourself lookin' good - it'll pay off in the long run!<p>3. Generally act different. If you were big into watching T.V. for example, don't turn it on at all - start reading books. The changes will be noticed, will begin to interest her, and you'll be modifying your behaviors - good practice, and you'll feel more in control (of yourself at least).<p>4. Do things without her - but be friendly about it. For example, I went to a play recently - I invited her, she declined, I went, and as I did so, I noticed she was feeling down - she probably DID want to go, but was too stubborn about it. Getting out and away from her for a while was great for me too!<p>5. Ignore the A - don't talk about it at all. I know that's hard. But it's consistent with Plan A - no LB'ing. And by not talking about it, fill in the gaps with small talk, happy talk. That's what happy couples are doing after all, right? So "act as if". In the end, this strategy does offer some coping benefits - you'll start to feel more "in control" (at least I do).<p>6. Focus on your kids. Be a great dad. WW will have to notice. You've got a great advantage that I don't have - kids.

Hi Paul,<p>Your wife is in what we call the FOG. The fog is basically this 'never-land' for WSs who have completely split with reality. It's like a paradigm shift in the space/time continuuum. You know, parallel worlds. Anyways, in this place, you (and maybe the kids even) don't exist. So, feeling remorse or having any feelings for you isn't possible. You're a nothing even though you're a very special and important something.<p>How you deal with this is up to you but there are ways. In the MB way, you need a good Plan A and masses of patience, strength and love for what was your wife. You could also completely ignore her - which isn't such a bad way - and wait for the A to die. For die it will - it's just a question of time. Your W loved you in the past - she can do it again. As the BS, you will have to show her the wayback to reality. <p>Have you purchased copies of SAA, or His Needs/Her Needs? These helped me somewhat. The principles are basic but then we all need a place to start and a place to grow from.<p>take care of YOU,<p>- Freddy

HI Paul, My heart goes out to you, as I see that you have just found out... I do not rememember all details of your earlier posts, but I know I read some. I am busy and have to work today, as well, as try to clean house, as well as try to do some stuff for me... ! i am taking up new knitting hobby, and about to go to store to buy some needles and yarn... now that may not be your thing, but maybe there is something you would of always liked to do, or maybe you can find something you might like to do- I just saw a knitting magazine at grocery store last week, and picked it up... I realized that it can be a great stress reliever to work those needles,,, wala.. a new hobby for me... I also attend some alanon meetings and like to watch movies and I can do it while watching movies, and also I can do that and spend time with kids! Also, will keep my mind off of this mess, and make something nice in the end.<p>Since you are still fairly new to the news... you are probably desperate... or trying to find quick answer... I wanted it fixed, affair ended, us in restoration, reconciliation , PRONTO... well, still not happening, and I found out sept. 15th, now there has been no contact for 2 -3 weeks, WOW! this is amzing, I know the whole thing could backslide at any time now... but NO LB on my part, and me being busy and not desperate... and kind when he, WS, will allow it... really helps! Yes, this stuff works... I feel me and my H will work things out... but now, I am starting to be more OK even if we don't... See, PLAN A IS for us, BS, too! It helps us feel better about us, because we are being better people! <p>We deserve love, and if our crzed WS, reject it, than we can find it elsewhere... although I am givng this 2 years.. trying to... I hoped my spouse would be home for christmas and when it did not happen I major LB'd... and whenever you count on or expect something from others it sets you up for trouble.<p>SO, expect nothing . Wait, and be patient, so it she wants to try life with OM, let her.<p>MY spouse said he had to know if it would be something better for him.. he would regret it for all time if he didn't just go see, and if he lost me in this time, that would be his fault.<p>I knew - even then, it would not work. You probably know this too. But, if you LB, they have more reason to make it work, and say SEE, look how terrible my spouse is, I have to get away from that...or they decide I can never go back to that.<p>Be like Jesus, what would Jesus do. Turn the other cheek and meet them with kindness, that is what ... that is plan a.<p>Do not beg, convince or even discuss the A. When I started saying it is too hurtful for me to discuss... we starting having better times, etc... becuase we can be "US' without this crap in it... even if some of it is going on, and I know it... we have discussed a little., but it always hurts... for a while my H was confessing everything since I told him he needed to be honest and boy did that make me hurt!<p>These methods work,a nd you will be grateful for trying. It is not about being a doormat - draw the line on disrespectful behaviors... LEAVE, but be nice in the face of their disrespect... that is plan a, what would Jesus do... see, we get to be the bigger person...I know it is not always fun.. but it makes you come out smelling like a rose, when it is all said and done.<p>I know we want to end the A, but sometimes people just have to experience the bad for themselves..<p>It remeind me of my being a rebellious teenager...and not listening to my parents... my H seems like an overgrown rebellious teen.<p>Be strong... I am not there yet, but H and I had dinner last night and it was nice... and things are moving along... he has mentioned I am what he wants , and she is not... and never could be... months ago... I was the MONSTER, see?<p>It can change.. and it the OW comes by his place or calls again, I can be set up again... but she LB's... they all do... they do not know our spousese like we do. Make as many love desposits as you can, and as little withdrawl as you can.<p>I know it is hard, but at least you will know you tried the hardest you could to save your marriage.<p>Hugs, and I hope you can have a good day.<p>My first few months I cried consistently, I was in bed crying all the time.<p>Now, I am becoming a real person again. Also antidepressants can help you get through this... I am on effexor and I know that has helped my moods a lot... you may want to talk to your MD if you haven't.<p>Hugs, HONEY