help... WAT... Bramblerose... sad dad... LIM.... Lupo.... everyone [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As you know, I have been stalling and being very cautious with the D process, but we basically came to an agreement on the settlement, and I had the papers signed and ready for H on Friday. I'm glad he didn't come and get them to file, because I found out some interesting info this weekend. He has either been fired, or changed jobs, and hasn't let me know. This was about 2 weeks ago! His verbage in our e-mails back and forth has continued to lead me to believe he still has the same job. I sent an e-mail to ask him what was up, and haven't heard from him yet. My only way to contact him is e-mail, the OW's cell phone, or knocking on their door. You know I've been in plan B since 12/19, except for e-mails regarding settlement negotiation.<p>Now what? I still want to save my marriage, although I had decided that there's no hope. Or do I even want him anymore??? (don't hit me!! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ) <p>If he's been fired, was he too proud to tell me? Or was he afraid I wouldn't sign the papers if I knew about it? I'm wondering how "wonderful" OW is, and will she stand by him through this struggle? He's not broken, because of the tone of his e-mails, blaming me (you saw one of them), and still pushing the D forward. But what if he becomes broken and comes home to me? He may not. He may have a brand new job lined up and will sail right through this. I believe he was fired, because I know his performance has gone downhill ever since the A.<p>Financially, I know I need to check with my lawyer to see what I need to do to protect myself. Perhaps hold off on agreeing to the D. Or should I go ahead and file like nothing new has happened? He will still have to comply with the agreement (alimony, etc.). If I hold off, I may not get anything from him, if he remains unemployed.<p>So then... what about Plan B? I suppose it's my codependent tendencies causing me to want to feel sorry for him, scoop him up and help him, be compassionate and let him slide on the money he owes me, etc. I want to meet him in person, and find out what happened and reach out and "be there" for him. grrrrrrr..... but you all know I plan A'd for 6 months, and went to Plan B after he filed for D. I'm sure he's NOT wanting me to reach out and fix this for him - at least not right now. <p>Why does he act like he wants me out of his life, and doesn't want me to care about him anymore, but when I didn't respond to his pouring his guts out the other day, he got mad cuz I "obviously don't care about him". Is it all part of the fog - the game they play?<p>sighhh... so sorry for the slight venting... I hope this makes sense... just trying to decide what to do next... stand by my Plan B? See my lawyer for financial protection? Quit worrying about him and feeling sorry for him? <p>Any thoughts are appreciated... thanks<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Hi Faith - I see you've already figured out your two things to do;<p>1. Tell your lawyer you suspect he's unemployed and find out how this changes your settlement, if at all, and make appropriate changes.<p>2. re: Plan B, do nothing, don't ask him questions not associated with legal matters and don't offer any help or compassion until he agrees with the terms in your Plan B letter.<p>just MHO.<p>WAT

"... just trying to decide what to do next... stand by my Plan B? See my lawyer for financial protection? Quit worrying about him and feeling sorry for him? "<p>Hi Faith,<p>I pretty much lean toward what you posted above. Especially the part regarding seeing your attorney immediately.<p>You may not think this now, but my IN-LAWS (of all people) told me to remember that the OW may very well be at the helm, which also could be your case. OW has no concerns for your well being and because your H is still in the FOG, and because you are in Plan B, you shouldn't be meeting any needs regardless of his job loss, and should continue to protect yourself financially. I know this sounds cruel, but he's a big boy and made his choices, now he needs to feel the results = "You not being there for him, not meeting ANY needs". <p>JMVHO ....<p>BTW: I know exactly how you feel, I wanted to help my x-H a few times while in Plan B and pre-D. It's so darn hard to disconnect emotionally from them.<p>Love to you,
Jo

Thanks Dave and Jo. You know exactly what I need to hear. Now, if I can just be "tough" and do what you say - what I know is true.<p>darn mothership just won't give up, huh?<p>I do find some strange - ?comfort? - that he is messing up all aspects of his life... not just "getting away from me"... further proof that moose-brain worms are to blame here... I'm curious how many WS's actually lose jobs, lose friends, etc. etc., and actually have to crash and burn before the fog lifts.....<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Don't try to help him now... without your help, he will value you more... and may be willing to comply with plan b letter. I am sorry, my H is also unemployed, this does change financial sit. as you cannot get blood out of a turnip... this made me want to help H find job.. but better if he falls flat on his face, right? let him fend for himself.. the law will still require he pay you, he will just start to fall behind on payments.... and owe you more... if he doesn't have money... hey, maybe OW will pay it for him, some of them are quite desperate you know... but she may not want to take care of him... being the taker OW's usually are,.<p>Take care of you right now,... do not worry, or even let him know you have the info. Stick to plan b. PRay about this.<p>HONEY

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1:
<strong> I'm curious how many WS's actually lose jobs, lose friends, etc. etc., and actually have to crash and burn before the fog lifts.....</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'll bet we only hear about a small fraction of the crash and burn set. One thing for certain - for people in self-destructive behaviors, they have to hit bottom before climbing out. For all, the bottom may be lower or higher than the average, but it's a bottom nonetheless. For WSs with non-abusive BSs, the bottom will hopefully be the site of the unmarked grave of lies and deceit that was their betrayal.<p>WAT

I am pretty much in the same boat. My H. is still deeply in the FOG. He is still determined to go through the divorce...still being a jerk to me. <p>He also loses his job the 1st of March. Doesn't seem to bother him yet. I am still hoping reality will finally hit him...but, it probably won't. He still maintains that he is happier than he has been in years. So...who knows.<p>I am maintining plan B...even tho I would love to call an see if I could help. But he is still treating me horribly...and I just can't deal with him. He shows no signs of remorse.<p>I don't know how someone can mess his life up as bad as he has...maybe it will never catch up to him. Sigh.....

faith1,<p>As usual, I concur with WAT. Notify your lawyer and find out what the ramifications are for YOU.
Stick to plan B, do NOT reach out to him. This is exactly the kind of issue he has to deal with himself since this is what he wanted. Being there for him feels a need of his, and plan B is about NOT filling needs. How did you find out he lost his job?<p>sad dad

SD, thanks! you're right! I need all the encouragement I can get to stay tough. <p>Sorry - I left that part out... I called his cell phone, which I haven't done in a long time, and got his boss's voice mail. I called again later, and his boss answered. So it's not his phone anymore, I told him who I was, we know each other fairly well, and he politely told me that H was not with the company anymore. I just THINK, based on his performance - things I've heard - that he was let go, but I'm not sure. He may have quit and gone to another job.<p>I'm thinking more and more about just going ahead like nothings different. I mean, I already e-mailed him to ask him about it, but I may go ahead and get these filed like they are, and not make a big deal. I will check with my attorney, though, to be sure.

My WH lost his job too, I was told by someone else in the company it was due to his performance. It was a fantastic job, how crazy he must be to have let that slide. Now he's been unemployed for 3 months, and has just gone on a 6 week camping trip. Where are their brains?! I'm in plan B too (6 months now) but luckily don't have an urge to help him. I think he's running through all our savings by spending them on OW.<p>Evensong

Hi, Sis,
Wanted to make sure you knew you heard from me. I posted an answer to you over on your other post of this same name.....<p>Love ya!!!