Okay, so it wasn't so bad, after all. I was nervous, as was everyone else it seemed. But once the evening got flowing it was like old times. Even H was comfortable.<p>I arrived in the afternoon and dropped some things off at my friend's house - all the men were there doing their business meeting so I popped in to say hello before myself and the girls went to have lunch leaving them to it. I haven't seen our friend (I'll call him Z) for about 6 months - he raved and ranted for a long time about how good I look. I glanced over at my H and he had a face like a thunder storm. Which kind of made me laugh. Apparently, after we left, Z kept going on and on about how much weight I've lost and what a different person I've become. How much he respects me and missed all of us. My H, apparently, said nothing.<p>Anyway, meeting over, we women came back to the house and all sat around chatting. It was very relaxed and H seemed to be back to his normal self. He laughed, we all shared memories and I got a chance to catch up with Z for a while. We had dinner, watched a few movies and talked some more. It really was a nice time, but as Z pointed out later on, a bit odd. There was my H and me, talking and laughing and interracting with each other in such a "normal" way - almost as if there wasn't an OW in the picture and he and I were still together. I also kept catching H watching me all night. Everytime I looked over at him, he was looking at me and smiling. <p>H eventually got tired and went home. He said goodbye to Z and then motioned for me to walk him to the door. He grabbed me in a huge hug and kissed me goodbye. <p>I went back to Z and he, kindly, pointed out to me - "don't you find it a bit disturbing that you've just kissed your H goodbye and he's going home to his place and you're staying here at a friend's house? It's not right. You should be together."<p>Z and I talked until the wee hours of the morning. Difficult conversation, but he does have my best interests at heart. I had to finally admit (in floods of tears) that my H's A is likely a PA. Not nice, but I guess it's time I faced up to that. Z was very supportive and reminded me that this will go on until either myself or OW put an end to it. Basically, in a round-about way, he was suggesting Plan B. Z is very good at not revealing anything my H has said to him, which I respect him for, and he promised me that his advice was NOT based on anything my H had said to him. <p>Having said that, one thing Z did say was that my H definitely sees the changes in me (everyone does) but H doesn't trust them. He thinks I'm putting on an act in order to win him back. Typical. Z tried to convince H that I had, indeed, changed for the better.<p>Anyway, eventually went to sleep. Woke up the next morning and made plans with H to have lunch on Sunday. He came over to friend's house and we all chatted over coffee. Then H and I went off to lunch. It was nice, but we were both a bit hungover and tired from the night before. Still, we talked about their future business plans and I encouraged H to make some of his great ideas happen. I was very supportive and friendly and despite both of us being exhausted, we had a nice time.<p>After lunch, we came back to my flat. I expected H to call a cab and go home, but he stayed until about 10pm. We talked and drank tea for a bit and then went on the internet together looking at various things that he wanted to show me. It was really nice and relaxed. We listened to music and shared ideas. At one point, he just wanted to surf, so I curled up on the sofa reading a book while he did so. Then I suddenly remembered that this is what our Sunday's used to be like. Going out to lunch, hanging out together, not feeling pressured to talk to each other. Just being in each other's company and doing things that we like to do. Every now and then he would call me over to the computer to show me something cool or I would read him something out of my book that I know he would like. <p>It got rather late and I was beyond ready for bed. H called a cab and then I did what I shouldn't have done. I asked if he was still confused. He looked me in the eye and said "Yes, I am. Very confused. I asked if he was in doubt about where I stood and he said, "no, but you can tell me again." So I did. Told him that I was being patient and that I believed in him and in us. Told him that I loved him. Told him that sometimes the situation was very painful, but that I'm getting stronger every day. He just listened. <p>His taxi showed up. We hugged very long and hard before he left. As he drove away, he sent me a text message saying "Just wanted to say that I really am mixed up. And also, you're looking very, very foxy". <p>He still hasn't told me about Vday, but I don't expect him to. I also haven't mentioned to him that I have plans. <p>Got a text again from him at 8 this morning thanking me for bringing his umbrella to him (he'd left it at my house). Then quite a few emails thanking me for something I'd referred him to on the internet and a few more about the car.<p>All in all, I think it was good. It gave both of us a chance to spend time together like we used to; alone and with our friends. I cried when he left because I miss him so much, but I was also pleased. This was the first weekend in a very long time that he hasn't been with OW. He was with me. No LB's. No arguments. No disrespectful judgements. Just us being us and laughing and smiling. And him, perhaps, finally seeing that I've changed for the better and yes, I DO look foxy. <p>And that's it. <p>love,
VE

Hey VE,<p>I don't know yor whole story, but well done...happy for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>R<p>"may all your days be sunny"

VE,<p>You're the Plan A poster girl.<p>I know it seems like the progress is small, but it's essential. He's either going to crack (or OW will do it for him) - or you'll have done EVERYTHING a human being can possibly do prior to Plan B. I've got a feeling H wouldn't last long in Plan B, if ever required. You're just too darn good!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You've got my mantra down, it seems: by happy, work on yourself, be busy, kind, patient, and be their friend first and foremost.

Hi VE, Glad you had a good weekend- so how did you lose all the weight, stres... still trying to lose 20 pounds... sad , but my H says he will think about coming home when I get skinny... I think that is mean, but that is how men are.. I guess...he used to love me regardless, but since the ow... he seems to have gotten way more picky about what I need to do... clean house better, lose weight, no lb.... WOW, is being a plan a bs, mean being perfect in the spouses eyes?<p>Thanks, I am glad it went well, well done.<p>
I also had a friend of my H's say... and my H say... he likes plan a... he deosn't have to do anything but enjoy it...It was a relative of my H
s who knows him well, says cutting off contact will be the only thing that will make him move! ??? What do you think... do you think that it will take plan b, for your h to come home , or make a decision?<p>Hugs, HONEY

I wanted to note on the OW lesbian thing... my H's ow is now questionably married.. he says he could not figure out the truth on that one from her... as it is starting to end... but she used to be a lesbian... he says that is good in a man's eyes/- I am so sorry, but I do not think that makes her a good quality wife... more of a confused person.... DOes your H seem to have the same fascination with the lesbian part of it?<p>Hugs to you, HONEY

Hi everyone, and thanks for the support.<p>Honey, regarding the lesbian thing. I don't think it's a "fascination" for my H, but more of a pain, really. He's told me that OW wants to continue her work in the local lesbian community and still hang out at her usual places with her usual friends and this is very difficult for him to deal with. Bear in mind, my H's OW has been been married twice before. Her first husband cheated on her. Her second husband was actually married when she met him. After her second divorce, she "gave up on men". Until she met my H, that is. She freely admitted that she "hunted" him. I, of course, find this very scary and creepy. My H is probably flattered. Whatever.<p>You also asked how I lost weight. It wasn't a consious effort on my part. Stress kicked it all off and since then, I've found I just eat less naturally. It's definitely a good thing, although the reasons why I've lost weight don't make me happy. All in all, I've lost about 50lbs. <p>It really disturbs me that your H says he will think about coming home if you lose weight. Do you really want that? I know you love your H, but that is just ridiculous. Emotional abuse, honey! If you want to lose weight, then do it for yourself, not so he "may think about" coming back to you. It's bollocks.<p>And no, Plan A doesn't mean being perfect in your H's eyes. Plan A is about being a better person FOR YOURSELF. Make any changes you honestly feel like making because they will make you feel better about you. Not in an attempt to win your H back. You can't make your H do anything, but you make yourself do anything you want. Just some food for thought for you!<p>Same goes for Plan B. While in some cases, Plan B will wake up a WS to the point of reconciliation, it is there to preserve yourself and your sanity. I honestly feel like I've done a great Plan A, but I don't feel ready for Plan B yet. Plan B will come when I no longer look at my H and feel the butterflies of love. Plan B will be implimented when I start to feel my feelings of love and affection fading or when I can no longer stand the pain. Both plans are for me. If my H reacts to them in a positive way, then it's a bonus. <p>Take care of you, Honey! <p>VE<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: venusenvy ]</p>

Thanks VE, I have been referred to watch your story... I forgot who said to ... but I was told that you are a plan a QUeen... it looks like your Plan a is resulting in good confusion for your ws ... I am sorry to ask you "my" questions on your post... I feel kind of bad. <p>I am impressed that you have your own v day plans, and that your h is looking at the situation and spending more and more time with you... <p>I hope he grows tired of the a, or she of it... my H's ow is married, and her husband wanted to work things out ... or so that is the story... she has lied a lot to my H, so that is on my side.. lb's... I think they do begin to hang themselves... they discussed no contact for weeks,a nd had many back and forth deals, and now no contact for 2-3 weeks?// SO , I am just wondering when he or she will call again, or if this is the begining of the end.<p>I am going to continue to watch your story...<p>Are you thinking about any 180 action, or just plan a... I am considering some 180 action.<p>HONEY

V,<p>you are my Queen of Plan A'ing - good job [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>During the time that I was in Plan A my W said exactly the same thing. She saw the changes but didn't believe them. Even a friend of hers said 'wow, he's changed, let's see if he keeps it up'.<p>I lost 20lbs, I spent quality time with the kids as opposed to more time, I dropped the tempers and abusive language. Even offered to do dancing lessons [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] what a wimp [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Guess what happened? After a while, the changes in you don't go away, they really do become permanent.<p>How long have you been in Plan A? You're H sounds like he's coming round but maybe you need a little more time - just thinking what you could do to nudge him along a little.<p>take care [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy

Venus---<p>I have read most of your threads and have posted on several---<p>Based on what I have read since you have been here you are doing a great job getting where you need to be for Venus...<p>I am trying to do the same for Elad, but boyoboyoboy it sure is hard [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway---just for the record I wanted to say I think your H is nuts if he lets you go... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Unfortunately our WSs see life thru a different set of eyes than we do---BIG SIGH.... <p>Just my $0.02---<p>Take care, keep up the good work... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>E

Hi again, <p>Just wanted to thank you all again for your support and encouragement. I really would not be, personally and emotionally where I am today without this site and the support of it's posters.<p>Honey - I am thinking about 180 action - in fact I just received my copy of Divorce Busting from Amazon, so I'm ready to dive into that and learn it inside-out. Will let you know how I get on with it!<p>Freddy - you're absolutely right. After a while the changes *don't* go away. They become "habit" . I think the key is to actually like the changes you make, don't you think? I mean, I feel really good about myself and now know what I'm capable of. That's pretty amazing, really. I like myself again! What a concept!<p>Elad - thanks for the compliments and I, too, think my H would be nuts to let me go. In fact, so does my family, his family and all our friends. But you're right - he's not seeing through the same eyes as everyone else. In fact, he's so deep on the mothership at the moment, it's unreal. <p>Thanks everyone! The compliments and encouragement are wonderful to hear! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>VE

Hi Venus ~<p>My H didn't start believing in my changes until the affair was well on its way to dead.<p>I think the "disbelief" is understandable. My H has changed so much since coming home that now *I* have a hard time believing and trusting HIS changes.<p>I keep waiting for my old husband to show up.<p>BUT at the same time, that confused disbelief is also a comfortable excuse or rationalization to continue fence sitting.<p>Hang in there sweetie, you'll survive.

Venus,<p>I am another one who watches your story and roots for you. I CANNOT WAIT until you start your 180 degree because I just know that you will execute it as beautifully as you do Plan A. Keep up the great job!