We have maybe plans for valentines... I already set up a sitter for wednesday, my H says let's go out wed. so there will be less of a crowd,... maybe he is saving the real v day for her? who knows... I am starting to wonder... maybe he is truthful??? I am really starting to wonder... I could care less... what actual day, unless there is some hidden reason...<p>I am tired of this whole business... H says he loves me being nice to him all the time, and letting him do whatever he wants... that is great for him- as a lot of his activites are not ok with me... drinking, not being here for kids, etc... He was availalbe to kids for 2 times this weekend... and I think he is starting to miss them more and hopefully me more... <p>He is just not motivated to come home....<p>But I think, as in real dating situations... you eventually get tired of a man who will not committ, and move back... and I think I am inching toward moving back to less availability, I really think I will do the 180 and not a complete plan b- to me more of a combination of plan a and b...<p>and advise from you guys? anything you suggest or add will be greatly appreciated!<p>HONEY

honey,<p>Don't give up - scream, shout, vent in here all you like but don't, don't, don't give up. <p>If you've a good Plan A it's exhausting. You feel tired because the 'giver' in you is doing all the work and your 'taker' doesn't get a damn thing. If you don't feel exhausted then you're not doing a good Plan A.<p>Plan B should only come into action after at least 4 months of a good Plan A. If it comes before this period it should only be because your love for your H is in danger.<p>It's best not to expect anything on or for Valentine's day. Leave yourself open to a surprise if it does and closed to dissappointment if it doesn't.<p>be strong, honey, be strong.<p>On the drinking (and other habits) it's ok to make your borders known to your H. In fact, I think it's important to do this. Both my wife and I are very clear on what's acceptable - if you can POJA the agreement, do, if you can't tell him you need the discussion. In other words POJA the discussion. Just avoid the use of judgements or angry behaviour. If you want to try it out - do it here.<p>take care of YOU [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong><p>
But I think, as in real dating situations... you eventually get tired of a man who will not committ, and move back... and I think I am inching toward moving back to less availability, I really think I will do the 180 and not a complete plan b- to me more of a combination of plan a and b...<p>HONEY</strong><hr></blockquote><p> That is sort of what happened to me. I was making great strides in Plan A. Then things seemed to be at sort of a stand still. When he came home and left again for the second time I suddenly knew I'd had enough. He was here for afew days, then decided he needed to leave again for awhile, but it was "no big deal" according to him. "We'll go out to dinner on Saturday" It was a lightbulb moment for me. I told him then and there that the revolving door was being removed from the house. The door was still open, but the next time he came through it with his stuff he'd better not be planning on walking out again. I was emotionally and physically drained. I told him that until he decided what he wanted to do he needed to see what life would be like without me around and I needed time to rest. At first he didn't get it. He started mumbling about "well I'll see you Saturday then" and I said "NO, you won't! You need time wihout me to really think and I am too stressed over all of this." the he wouldn't leave the house. He suddenly came up with 2 projects he needed to do. I picked up his things, handed them to him and asked him to leave. For the next 3 days he kept calling and I didn't answer or return his calls. I caved on the 4th day and finally answered, but big progress had been made. I got a return home for good date (2 weeks) AND he had planned a vacation for us. Once he knew that his chances were really running out there was a whole different attitude.

Honey,
I agree that a good Plan A may be exhausting, and so is a fence-sitting WS.<p>Do you have regular visitation scheduled for him with the kids, when he has them on his own? If not, that's a good place to start. I know I always had a tendency to make that "family" time, but it is good for him to realize what it is like to have the kids on his own...cuz that is what it is like when you are divorced. I'm sure you have plenty of opportunites to have the kids on your own.<p>Also, if you are tired, you need to take care of yourself. Are you exercising? Eating right? Doing things that you enjoy...or at least used to enjoy before all this? Talking to friends? Getting out?<p>Like Fairydust is saying, if you aren't predictable, at home or by the phone, sometimes the WS who is feeling a little loving toward the BS becomes curious. It can be part of the 180.<p>You can set other boundaries, like he needs to call before coming over. He chose to leave, if you don't want him dropping in, that's reasonable on your part. Of course you might like him to drop in...but is that really good for you? I had more difficulty--like bursting into tears--with Plan A when we were separated if I hadn't planned to see him and hadn't made the necessary mental/emotional adjustments.<p>In our last separation I even told my H not to call past 10 pm unless it was an emergency. If he didn't want to live with me and be my husband, I didn't want to be his best friend, counselor, or comforter. And reminded him he had "friends" he could call--those who had supported him in his affair. But...by then, I'd been in Plan A for 18 months and really had had it. Total lovebank drain and I was more in the mood to burn bridges than Plan B.<p>When you say:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>H says he loves me being nice to him all the time, and letting him do whatever he wants <hr></blockquote><p>You can & should be cordial & polite & even loving, but you can let him experience the natural consequences of his leaving you and having an affair.

Hi Honey<p>Just checking on you and seeing how you are holding up through this "getting tired" time.<p>Hang in there....
This is a rough week for many of us.....
<p>
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugs to you (((honey)))
TNT

Hi Honey, Hope you're doing okay...is Wednesday still the date night?<p>Stay strong! You're doing well.

Hi and thanks for the replies.. still tired.. I lb'd a little last night after talking to my counselor yesterday... who says I should not put up with the drinking! and maybe file for D... with that thought... i am not ready yet for this... ! I called him last night and tried to get him to talk! Big LB! Hope this does not mes s up valentines plans... we are still hopefully planning to go out tonight.. my spouse is noncommittal... like yea, that sounds ok , call me around noon and we will talk... I hate that... I want definite plans, and need them becuase I have to have a sitter, etc... in fact I have a sitter tongith... so whether we go out or not, I go out... I guess this is how it has to be.<p>He started changing things on me, and wanted to go to one of the valentines dinners on thursday, real val. day... but I work a second job part time tuesday night, thurday night and now saturday for an attorney... (I am way overworked right now)- and the attorney is getting very picky about me missing days, as I have been majorly unstable for months.. and unpredictable when I work.. although it is part time.. he says he wants definite days... so I am trying to work thursady.. well I am.<p>Thanks for the encouragement.. I love my h so much, in fact last night I jsut cried and cried for my family.. I love him, I know he loves me.. I know in my heart we will reconcile.. <p>He is tired of counseling, and I have asked him to please go back... but after my angering experience at him after counseling yesterday... I feel I may give that a rest for now too, anyone else gotten angry at the spouse after individual counseling...?<p>My MB counselor says I desrerve better, true.. but he has loved me SOOO much in the past.<p>I want that back, and I just do not want to start over.. but I do want a better marriage, not the same one.<p>Maybe I can lovingly convery this to my H? I know I still need to give him time, but I do not want to encourage this fence sitting- <p>Redhat suggested I reward good behavior... I actually invited him over, and he has had an aversion to our home.. and he says he will come for dinner, maybe even tongiht.. although with sitter, another night is better..<p>I love this man, and do not want d, so why file...? I am confused.. counselor says it may wake him up to the drinking problem..? <p>I want to solve the affair... but everyone focuses on the drinking, sadly the drinking is the cause of the affair... oh I need alanon.. today, I am going to a meeting this am... thank goodness... <p>I sell gifts.. and I am taking the next few days off my regualr job to work and build my small business , as I will make way more than being at work! YEA! So that is a great feeling, not to be in traffic, and stuck in desk doing boring work.
Thanks for reading and all of your support,, I will reread your posts, to help me get through this..<p>Yes, I need to do more for me.. I am WAY OVERWORKED, and exhausted,.. thanks again.I appreciate everyone of your friendships.<p>HONEY

Lor, wanted to add.. thanks for the comment on him having kids alone.. he needs more of this, as it is hard! We know that, especially with 3 yr. old... I worry some because he drinks, but he needs more resonsiblity.. <p>He took older son to baseball practice last saturday while he and 3 yr. old watched... (difficult with little one) and H claims he will never do that again, and does not like the other dads, etc.. wants my son to change from baseball to football, etc etc.. he does not like anything I suggest or do.. but baseball is my sons thing! I think dad and I suggested it in beginning and this is our sons 5th season, and he wants to take it away from him? MY h is lazy, does not want to make the drive to the burbs.. where we live, as he has moved to ow's neighborhood in the city... which was also closer to his job.. well I can understnad that, in a 1-2 hour commute each way daily in traffic, for an actual 30 minute drive, houston, tx traffic, uggh! It has been killing me as a mom, since I had to start driving it.<p>Anyway... most of his move was oriented by ow, and I had chosen our neighborhood, in burbs, as it is close to both of our old jobs, and my family who help constantly , not to mention one of the best neighborhoods for kids, period... in this city... but H wants to live in city, fine with more money... even sd.. well , kids can live with me... private school is less than I pay you in child support... so they can just live with me, oh yeah, right???<p>He is falling off the rocker on that one, I will not lose ,yu kids becuase of his infidelity, but of course he did not leave because of the A- it was becuase I was so awful, remember?Then he suddenly flips the coin, wants to pretend everything is wonderful and lets go out to romantic dinner, or have sf??? HOw confusing can it get?<p>Thanks again, HONEY