Well folks, I made it through trigger #1... my MS birthday.<p>Last year we went to OWs house for a bbq the night before his party... H invited OW to the birthday party at the last minute... I kinda gulped and said 'sure' join us... which she and sister-in-law did...<p>My friends remember that she did not 'join' the group... I remember telling her that she did not have to be 'shy' and to join us... but she and sister-in-law and kids stayed at a table just adjacent to us... I remember thinking how 'odd' it was... that she came... but set apart...<p>Well MSs birthday party was yesterday... we had a great time... rollerskating!! <p>But now... I have to make it through Valentine's... I know they exchanged cards... the last weekend in Feb when I went away on a conference and I know they were 'together.' March... all the sundays he went to her house to workout w/ her H and April... her daughter's birthday party... our spring break 'vacation' where he kept finding excuses to call her... my YSs birthday... ... and finally April 25 D-day...

Cali,
Don't continue rehashing these dates and bad behavior and harboring ill-will. It's a form of self-protection...but not healthy for you.<p>Our bad times lasted 2+ years, there are dates that were bad 3 years in a row. I don't have a month that would be free of a "bad" anniversary. But remembering all that is negative energy for me.<p>Consider writing down all the things that have hurt you, dates, times, events, behavior. Go ahead and get angry one last time...then forgive each and every thing on the list & burn or tear it up. Give it up. Those things are all in the past and will never change. Your H can't take it back...and I think sometimes that is what the BS really wants, is for none of it to have happened.<p>Then when/if those memories try to resurface, shrug and tell yourself you've dealt with it and are moving on, not living in the past.<p>It works for me a lot of the time...as long as I don't have to see the OW, then I have a relapse, but I know I'm handling the triggers in a way that allow me a good today and hope for the future.

Lor--<p>As usual, great advice...<p>Cali---my triggers are just around the corner...I am hoping to manage them the way Lor suggested...but I sure do understand your feelings...<p>Take care <p>E

thanks Lor!!! great advice! I needed that too. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Lor,<p>Wow! <p>I realize that I add many years of baggage to just about everything that happens now.<p>It's these "special" days that are the worst, because I always had such high expectations in the past that were never met. <p>hmmmm... I wonder if that technique will work for me? It'll mean giving up my justification for feeling bad!<p>Jeffers

Lor! Thanks! What a great idea... <p>I think I am finally hitting the anger/resentment stage... I can hardly stand to look at him sometimes... I am so angry that he did what he did... ...and he seems to just want to 'forget' it all happened and move on... <p>...but not really move on... 'cause he seems to want me to 'pay' for what happened... ...like I made him do it... <p>Elad... thanks for your support. I've been wondering about you... hope you're doing okay...<p>jeffers: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>It's these "special" days that are the worst, because I always had such high expectations in the past that were never met. <hr></blockquote>... Ain't that the truth!!!... I am trying really hard just NOT to expect ANYTHING... I used to do that in the past and just would end up angry that I would be 'right.' So now I have to expect 'nothing' and NOT be angry that I will be right....<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

I'm glad if what I wrote helped...<p>I think this really gelled for me 2 years ago on Valentine's Day. We were in our 7th separation, H's PA had been supposed to be over again for about 4 months, and I walked into his office after a counseling appt and found him writing an email to the OW. I decided to get the lawyer and start the D myself.<p>My H decided he did want the marriage.<p>I couldn't even think about trying again.<p>He gave me a fabulous Valentines...a dozen roses, a diamond heart necklace, chocolate truffles a half day at a spa with facial, massage, manicure, aromatherapy.<p>I mean it was a day meant to win my heart...it made me so dang mad that he would give me all THAT when he'd been so dang horrid for so long. If he COULD be nice, why hadn't he...?<p>But you see, he couldn't go back and fix what he had done...the Valentines Day the year before was horrible...some years he has given me cards that he didn't even sign...and those weren't "bad" years.<p>So anyway, I've had the best holiday I could hope for...and it just hurt more.<p>Now, after 20 months in recovery, I think he did a wonderful thing and it is a good memory. But that experience probably did more to make me realize that it isn't my H that makes me happy, it is how I view things.<p>And, Jeffers, giving up your justification for feeling bad is just that...your choice.<p>Of course it helps when someone isn't treating you like crap [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ...but how you respond is in your control.

Cali,<p>So we are triggering together, huh? I think and hope that my plan of getting away and into a new setting will help ease this. <p>I also hope that May comes quickly. I will be greatly relieved after I make it hrough the next month and a half. <p>God bless you and your family. You're not alone. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: ScaredInNY ]</p>