My H is moving out soon to "sort out his feelings" for me. I have been doing pretty good and being a bit stronger, but today is pretty difficult. I have attached a link to some of my history below.<p>web page<p>I have been thinking today about things we had planned to do, going to Disney World with the kids, going to my H's high school reunion, etc. It REALLY started scaring me that if my H decides not to come back, we won't be doing any of these things. It is difficult because we have shared so much of our life together (18 years), I don't want it to end. My IC told me I would have days where I get really down so I am prepared for it, but I am going to miss him SO much. He wants to have very little contact with me so he can see if he misses me and can't live without me. I know I can be strong for a certain period of time (and I may even find that once I am by myself, I don't mind it too much), but I want so much for him to realize he does love me and wants me in his life. I just cannot imagine my life without him. I am just so sad today. Do the days get better once the WS is out of the house or do they become harder? He told me last night that he doesn't understand how I could still love him after all he has put me through. All I could say to him was that my love for him is so strong, I would forgive him for everything, just to have him in my life. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi hurtandafraid,<p>Just wanted to let you know that our situations are VERY similar, children the same ages and my H just moved out about 10 days ago to 'sort out his feelings'. The OW is still in the picture, but he went to great pains not to move in with her. <p>Since H has been out, he has wanted to spend a lot of time at home with the children, just like normal. I am in the process of pulling myself back from him so that he can understand that he is making choices that will prevent us from being the 'family' that we were. I too am scared about not sharing all of the things that you listed and I hate being in this wait and see position. I feel like I am waiting for him to decide if I am good enough to be worth the effort to work on our marriage.<p>I wish that I could tell you that there are easy days, but I can say that there are days when you find your real strength. Try to concentrate on your children. If they are like mine, they will put on a brave front, but will have a storm brewing under the surface.<p>We have been in counseling with Steve Harley and he has stated that it is necessary for my H to make this move and find out for himself what he is missing. No matter how much we try to educate them, they have to see it and feel it for themselves. <p>In the mean time, keep in mind that each time you are missing him, he is also probably missing you. Be kind but not available, encouraging without being overbearing and above all STRONG. God has started a mighty work in you and will not leave it undone. Follow His direction always.

I haven't posted on here much lately, but wanted to give you some encouragement! First of all I want to say that my heart goes out to you as tears well up in my eyes! The pain you are feeling is all too real! <p>Please know that your husband moving out does not meen that your marriage is over!!! It took my husband three tries in less than a year. I praise the Lord that I can say we are finally in recovery! Through prayer and the awesome work of the Holy Spirit, my husband was convicted!<p>My best advice is to take this time to work on you! Pray and stay close with God! There are also 2 awesome books that I read and would like to recommend:<p>Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman
Tough Love by Dr. Dobson<p>I read them both over and over for the months we were separated. Each time, I was lifted up and refreshed.<p>Of course all of Dr. Harley's books are excellent too!<p>My prayers are with you!<p>Le

H&A<p>I can relate to where you are...<p>My W (WS) and I were separated for five months last year. She returned home in August but moved back out on new year's eve. She said the same things your H is saying...needed to sort her feelings out, limited contact, wanted to see if she would be able to live w/o me.<p>I can tell you that I know it hurts...a lot...<p>In some ways it helps to have them out of the house when they are in that state...my W was very sad and quiet for the month leading up to our latest separation...it was sad to see her that way...but it is also sad to not have her in my life every day. <p>I don't have alot of good advice...no kids here so I can't tell you how they may be affected.<p>My intuition tells me that one thing you can do is stay close to them and do things with them...both for the kids and for yourself.<p>For you--try to stay busy...exercise, hobby whatever....it helps to pass the time.<p>You also might want to read Michelle Weiner Davis book "The Divorce Remedy."<p>I wish I could help you with the pain, I wish I could tell you that there was an easy way...<p>There just isn't.<p>Lean on your MB friends here when it gets tough...try to be as strong as you possibly can be...some days are better than others and do your best to be the best you can be for you...<p>good luck <p>E

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Moving Forward:
<strong>Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I would like to 2nd this recommendation. I am not separated yet, but I did ask my WH to leave 1 week ago. We are moving forward with Plan B even though, in my heart, I would prefer staying together.<p>In this book Gary Chapman explains how sometimes we love our spouses more by letting them go to figure things out and deal with their issues.<p>If you can get a copy of this book I think you'll feel better about what is happening. It's an easy read and there are things you can do to prepare to reconcile even though you feel hopeless.<p>Keep posting!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you for your responses and suggested books to read. I am actually reading After the Affair that a friend (who is a therapist) suggested I read. It is very informative. <p>This is becoming really difficult. I just spoke to my daughters learning support teacher who reported that she has become very withdrawn in school, not taking notes, and not interacting with any of her friends. She has had a great deal of difficulty through the years with ADHD and depression. Now she sits in her room all day when she is home and won't talk about anything. I am so worried about her. How could my H make such choices that effect our children. I just cannot believe he would do this. Aren't our children supposed to come first. To me his behavior just seems selfish when it hurts our kids. I am planning on scheduling an appointment for both my children with my therapist to help them. Hopefully my H will think about what affect this is having on our entire family (not just his own feelings). He just tried to talk to her about her feelings, but she wouldn't tell him anything. I just went and talked to her and she told me she is upset about him leaving, she is afraid she won't see her cousins (my H's family) and that he won't come back. I told her to just keep talking to me because it will be different for all of us. Then she came downstairs where I was sitting with my H and talked to me for 5 minutes non-stop about school and didn't even look at him. He asked why she wouldn't talk to him and she said she doesn't talk to anyone. I could see this really hurt my H because they had a really good relationship before all of this. <p>Thank you so much for all the support everyone has given me. When I have a rough day, I come to this site and post how I feel and everyone is so warm and comforting.<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: hurtandafraid ]</p>

I am really confused. My H has been really nice to me lately. Yesterday was a tough day and I was really feeling down. When I came home from work I just had to go in the bathroom (away from my children) and just sit there and cry. After dinner I went upstairs because I felt like I was going to cry again. My H came up and asked me if I was okay. I just told him I am so afraid of not having him in my life. He said no one said that is going to happen. Unfortunately, when he says he is moving out, I don't know that he will come back and that is what scares me. I told him I was thinking about Valentine's Day, class reunions we were hoping to go to this fall, our birthdays and it just makes me really, really sad. I said it is really hard to sit down next to him and not have him hug me. He then came over and gave me a hug and apologized for doing this to me. The rest of the night was quiet, and I went to our bedroom to watch TV. When he came up he asked how I was and I just said I didn't know. He sat down and just kept looking at me. He said he was so, so sorry for being so screwed up. He saw I was reading a book from church and he asked if I was praying for him. I said I was. He said I just have to let him suffer a bit living alone so maybe he will realize how much of a good thing he has. He said it is like he can't stop himself (I guess from contact with OW), but it absolutely kills him to see what it is doing to me. Then, this morning he came over to see how I was. I told him this is so difficult and that I am having such a tough time. He said he couldn't believe I don't hate him for all he has done. I told him that I made a promise to God that I was be there for better or for worst and that I intended to keep that promise. He covered his face with his hands as though that statement really affected him. He then said he would make a doctor's appointment about an anti-depressant (several therapists have mentioned he was suffering from depression but he wouldn't believe it before---maybe now he will give it a chance). I just cannot give up on him. I know the wonderful person I married is in there somewhere and I just have to stick it out until he comes back.

H&A<p>I know exactly the pain you are feeling and I am sorry. It's an ache that just doesn't seem to want to go away no matter what.<p>Are you in counseling?<p>I would suggest it even if your H doesn't go---do it for yourself. It can be a BIG help.<p>Again, cause I have gone thru what you are going thru, I would really recommend Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorce Remedy book....you may also want to take a look at her website at www.divorcebusting.com <p>It's another look at some of the same things suggested here at MB....<p>Like I said, I really feel for you 'cause I have been there--still am really--and I know how hard it is to be the one in the home looking at the photos, remembering the happy times, and wondering what the WS is thinking and doing when they aren't there...<p>Hang tough...you will get stronger out of this with each passing day...<p>E

Thanks E for your response. I just ordered the Divorce Remedy book and am looking forward to reading it. As I mentioned in my previous post, I am also reading After the Affair. I am finding it to be pretty informative. I actually left it in the bathroom (to see if my H would look at it). He was up, not feeling well during the night last night. When we woke up, he rolled over and was extremely affectionate. He said he is trying to work on those lost feelings. After he left, I went in to the bathroom and noticed that he had looked in the book. Not sure if that had anything to do with the fact that he says he is trying now, when for the past week he has been saying he doesn't know what he wants. I still think he is extremely confused. He told me last night he was going to look for apartments this weekend. That really scares me, but I am going to try (notice I say try) to act as though it doesn't bother me. I read some of the things on Michelle Weiner Davis'web site and am going to work on that frame of mind to see if that approach works better. <p>I am currently attending IC (which our MC) to help me work on becoming a stronger person.<p>I'll keep you posted of any progress.

H&A...<p>Keep working at it.<p>W &I have both read After the Affair...lots of good stuff in there, too.<p>Keep working on you....I think you will find that is the crux of plan A here and also what MWD says, too.<p>You are the only person you can control...<p>good luck <p>E

Just an update. Today my H was supposed to go and look for apartments. While he was getting ready, I asked if I could discuss some things, as a friend, that I have noticed about his OW. I said I wasn't bashing her but some things just don't make sense to me. First, she told him he is too easily manipulated by people and he should start doing what he wants, not what other people tell him to do. That, I believe, is why he is acting the way he is by saying he isn't going to be influenced any more, he is going to do what he thinks is right from now on. Second, she said she doesn't want him to leave me for her, it has to be for his own reasons. Now, of course, he decides he isn't in love with me, etc. Then, according to her religion, she is not allowed to engaged in sexual intercourse with a man until they are married. However, as I have found other, other types of sex are just fine! Also, even though she doesn't want him to leave me for her, she also has no problem having an A with him while we are still together. I told him these statements are all so contradictory they should send up red flags! He says that he has this deep emotional/sexual connection with her that he doesn't have with me. I told him from what I have read, that type of love is called romantic love. However, romantic love always eventually turns into a mature love. He has to realize that once this stage of love goes away, can he or will he want to have a life with this person. I believe the romantic love feeling is the only thing between them. He hugged me and asked me what he should do. I was strong (or at least tried to sound like I was strong) and said I cannot tell him what to do. I, of course, hoped he would stay, but that decision is only one he can make. I asked if he wanted to leave and he said no, but it is like he doesn't want to give up the other relationship either. I told him he cannot have both, it isn't fair to either of us. If he feels he needs to move out, than that is what he should do because I cannot make him stay. I told him that was very hard to say and he said that was great, he can see I am changing and becoming stronger. He got up (crying) and said it was time for him to be a man and do what is right. He just left to talk to her. I am so hopeful, but am not holding my breath. It will take some time for me to fully believe he is ending it. I am still going to work on being stronger and maybe even a little distant to him and let him come to me when he is ready. I don't want to put any pressure on him (because I don't want him to blame me for making him end it). I can't wait until my book (Divorce Remedy) comes in the mail so I can start reading it and following those suggestions. I want to do everything possible to make my marriage work and be better than ever (even if he isn't quite there yet).

I was just wondering how things are going for you? Can you give us an update.<p>I also wanted to recommend another book. It's by Dr. Dobson and is called "Love Must be Tough" or "Tough Love" ---- something like that. It was a great book and talked about how we must sometimes make the person we love the most move out and get their life straightened out. During that time we can build ourselves up.<p>Looking back I have to say that, even though it nearly killed me at the time, making my WH move out was the best thing I ever did! It did two things, 1) I learned that I would survive without him and 2) it made him realize what he was giving up.<p>I hope everything is going better for you. I have been thinking about you and will be praying for you!<p>Le