Hello All, <p>I have not visited this board in so many months. My story is typical, won't bore you with the details, we all live them. <p>Here's the situation .... After the affair and everything had come out in the open my wife (WS) confided everything about our situation to a close female friend... oh let's call her Jane. Jane and her husband (Tarzan) have offered us unconditional support and friendship over the past year. Long and short of it, I have just found out that Jane is now seeing another man, an ex-flame. As our families are very close, do I do anything? Is there anything I can/should say to Tarzan? As I am writing this my inclination would be just to sit tight ... but I go back to my anger when I found out that other people knew about WS's affair long before me and no one said anything. WS is begging Jane to break it off and spare her family what we went through before this goes too far. Opinions please.<p>FS

This is an extremely touchy subject for many on here, depending on what they went through.<p>My vote is to tell "tarzan" your suspicions. I would think that it would help b/c he knows of the situation your M was in from an A.<p>The info would best come from "jane" though. Perhaps you could ask her to tell him or else you will? He has a right to know.<p>Just keep in mind, if you are the one who tells him, he may hold a grudge against you b/c you were the bearer of BAD news. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Just be sure to share this website with him.<p>Good luck.<p>Karen

I found out that my H was having an A because my friend knew, and she gave him three days to tell me or she would.<p>He told.<p>I would try that tactic, but be prepared to follow through if she doesn't tell.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

FS,
I agree with Karen. He does deserve to know. You don't deserve to go thru the discomfort of seeing these people, good friends, all the time & having to keep quiet. I would tak to Jane & tell her if she doesn't come clean to him, you will. Just give her a little time, there is a lot she has to work out in her mind too. Good Luck!!<p>Chelle

I'm sure you mean well, but it really isn't up to you to tell. If Jane tells then you can be there for him,otherwise don't say anything, people aren't as blind as we might think.

Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want you to tell you...??? I think you know what I'm saying. I agree with the others. Tell Jane she's got three days or you're spilling the beans.

Thanks for the opinions ... W (WS) and I don't know for an absolute 'fact' it has progressed to physical, although we're 100% sure it's emotional at this point. Not that one is better than the other. I think what I am going to do is offer your advice to W (WS) who is very close to 'Jane.' She wants to continue to offer support and telling her to come clean with Tarzan yada yada, but Jane is very much in the fog, as she starts to get angry with W when she talks to her about it. Going through this once is certainly horrid, but it is also so very frustrating when you see it happening to others. The signs are so obvious now it's hard to believe I couldn't see them when it was happening to me. <p>Happy Tuesday,<p>FS

FS,<p>I'll bet this is driving your W crazy. It is one thing to be in a fog it is quite another to see someone you really care for be in one. I suspect your W may have renewed respect for what you went through.<p>As for my vote??? I would suggest that she has so much time to tell or you will tell. I think rather than your W telling Tarzan, it would be better from you.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: Hopefully, your W can convince her to tell. You know enough to keep your W from getting too frustrated with this. Keep her focused and perhaps have her use some of the MB techniques on Jane.<p>[ February 12, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

Try sending Tarzan and anonimous letter or e-mail. He will get the point and you will spare yourself the unpleasant task of being the messenger. You know they used to kill the messengers so your better off staying behind the scene<p>Rich

I really like Nina's idea.<p>Tell the WW that you intend to tell unless she does. That is the most respectful way to handle it for the WW, for your friend, and for their marriage.<p>I wish my WW friends had done the same to her. I did not learn of the affair until six months later because the OMs wife was not sure if she should tell me and her friends did not respect me and our marriage enough to do the right thing.<p>If you don't tell, you become an accomplice in that sin and dishonesty. You have knowledge of wrong doing but you would be sitting on it. If I was your friend and I learned that you knew and did nothing, I would never respect you again.

I say send Tarzan AND Jane the SAA book. <p>Sending SAA to both of them is two fold, one - it'll give Tarzan a heads-up, and two - Jane will know someone close to them knows now, and it may compel her to tell Tarzan all on her own.<p>JMVHO<p>Jo<p>[ February 12, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

If Tarzan found out you knew and said nothing what would happen???? Would you want to know?? I know it is not the best of news and usually the messenger is not liked anyway, but would there be a difference if you didn't tell????How would you feel?? I would want to know, and I would also be very upset and even more betrayed if a friend new the whole time and didn't even tell me.....<p>Also, Just a note, I saw someone write about sending an annonomous note, Please don't do that. this is how my whole thing started. I recieved one and it has been two years of not knowing what is going on because my H denies it. My life has been forever tainted by this letter because I have no real proof other than the letter, well there are others but to this day I am here because of a letter. Please becarefull how you approch this. My H said it was someone trying to set him up. Why would someone want to do that if nothing happened????<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: camjon ]</p>

I agree with the others who think you should give her 3 days to tell or you will tell him. <p>This information is being wrongfully withheld from him. And as a FRIEND and decent human being, you have an obligation to ensure that he gets the information about the willful destruction that is going on in HIS LIFE without his knowledge. He has a right to this information.

You ned to talk with Jane and explain why she needs to come clean with Tarzan. Dont lay the entire burden on your wife. Maybe the two of you could do it together. I am not in favor of a set time line because we all tend to do things at our own pace. But would make it very clear to jane that if she cannot talk to tarzan about it, then you will.
I do wish someone, ANYONE had told me during the 23 yrs my h screwed around. Plenty knew, no one told. I have no respect for those people now. NONE. As relatives and friends, they should have acted, instead they chose to hide their heads in the sand. Some even lied and covered. Please dont do that to this dear friend of yours. He deserves better.