My husband wrote me a note this morning that stated "I know this is going to be a major Love Buster and I'm sorry, but she asked me to come to dinner either tonite or wednesday, I'll let you choose, Let me know. Me"
Let me choose?<p>I got all excited that he e-mailed his old squad leader to see if he had an E-6 slot (military) to fill, that would mean changing units and he would not be seeing her at drills. <p>Please help me, I don't know what to do!!!<p>I think that maybe he wants to tell her goodbye, but then I know better!<p>I am so hurt right now, HOW DO I CHOOSE?

You choose? What, has he lost his mind? Tell him you choose neither option. That if he has any respect for you then he will tell her "NO". I guess I would have thougth that to a husband, that would be obvious. But, I do realize that each situation is different here and that everyone is at different stages in their relationships but, I just feel that he is way out of line on this.

I agree. But he is still in the fog and that makes things all the more complicated. I called himon his cell and told him to go ahead and do it tonight and get it over with, he asked if I was o.k. I said "no but I told you that Iwould stand beside you and that I was committed to this relationship and eventual recovery, so I guess I will stand by you now and whatever you have to do to get back" I realized after we hung up that I didn't tell him I loved him...I called back and said "I realized I hung up w/o telling you I love you, so I love you" He said "guess what" "what?"
"I love you too"<p>What is that all about...he sounded soft and genuine...with himchanging units maybe he is going to tell her good bye (i know wishful thinking as I said earlier) <p>Did I do the right thing? Did I LB? Or did I just allow myself to get walked on?

FnH,<p>try not to think of this in terms of 'getting walked on' - if you allow yourself to feel that way it'll gender feelings of resentment. Rather, think of this as an issue of negotiation - you need to POJA an agreement and we all need to learn at doing this better.<p>I'm terrible at negotiating agreements myself but it gets better with practice. The request he made was basically asking you to take responsibility for the choice, you need to turn this into a discussion of the issues involved and then work out what is the best solution for the BOTH of you - and be happy about it. I know, it's a tough one.<p>What I would want to know is:<p>1. honey, what are we agreeing to do here? (I didn't understand this from what you'd written, so it's a legitimate question)<p>2. Ok, so what do we expect to be the outcome of the meeting between you and her?<p>Without knowing this you can't participate in the decision.<p>Does that help ?<p>take care,<p>- Freddy

Freddy, Yes it helped a little, I don't know if I want to know what he expects out of it (if you know what I mean) I just wish that he would quit being confusing, jump off the fence, and end this stupid thing!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You choose? What, has he lost his mind? Tell him you choose neither option. That if he has any respect for you then he will tell her "NO". I guess I would have thougth that to a husband, that would be obvious. But, I do realize that each situation is different here and that everyone is at different stages in their relationships but, I just feel that he is way out of line on this.
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OMG sandman you made my day, that was the best post i have seen yet. thanks for the [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] 's

Well, I guess you can see that by the post that is after Sandmans that I probably really screwed up. That is how I felt, but I didn't know how to do it w/o LBing. I guess I am just getting tired...I don't know... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

So did I majorly mess up with my response? Any input would be great...I love all of ya! Just real down. Gotta get daughter ready for kinderg. Back later.

I actually think this is a good sign...others may disagree though.
Don't sweat over this!
This is a TEST!<p>You did the right thing...by being honest with him.<p>This is how it goes.<p>WH.....still foggy.....but leaning toward the W will test the wife to see exactly how much she will put up with. Hence....him telling you and asking you to choose.
Think about it......if your WH really wanted to he could have not told you and went anyway. BUT NO.....he called you and asked you your opinion.<p>Think he ever does that with the OW? Likely not...she'd blow a gasket!<p>The only think I would do differently.
Let him know that you would rather him not go at all....and that if he does go that you cannot continue letting him do things like this and think about having a healthy relationship with him.<p>He needs to know that you won't bow down and let him keep continuing contact with her.<p>Personally......and this is exactly what I thought when I read this....this is what I would have said.<p>She did what? Oh....you want me to choose for you?
Oh...well then.....how about I tag along....we can have a nice dinner...and maybe me and her can swap notes? Think she would go for that?
No....I didn't think so.
If he is going to pay.....before he leaves...put a little I love you note in his wallet so it falls out when he opens it. That will really rile her. And guess what....I bet your WH would have a grin a mile wide too.....LOL<p>Sorry....I have a bit of a mean streak....LOL<p>I really think this may be a start....but have been known to be wrong....MANY MANY times.<p>Take care!

I have done similar things - told my WH to go and do what he feels is the right thing to do. I've regretted quite a bit because he's asking to have an affair.<p>I can understand the whole military thing as I'm in myself. I've seen way too much during my 16 years. My WH is also in and I dread him going to drill.<p>I think it was great that you were honest about not being happy with it. Did he give you a time frame when everything is happening (and about when he'd be home)? If they are going to a restaurant then I'd show up - daughter in tow - all nice of course.<p>GRRRRRR! Men!<p>Keep up the good work! <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks, no they are eating at her house. Hopefully her 3 kids will be there, he DOES NOT like them. I don't know why she would want to be with someone that doesn't like her kids and wants nothing to do with them. He has told our neighbor that he sees himself with me in the long run...I don't get it. Oh well, maybe he is starting to come out of the fog. I am still hoping that he is going to tell her bye...but I know he isn't.

Bump for more reponses. Thank you.

UMMM......HOW DO I ACT WHEN HE GETS HOME? I will want to pepper him with questions and then he would just put salt on my wounds...(sorry, that was bad!!!)

FnH, I really wish I had seen your post this morning! Did you ever read the book (or see the movie) "Sophie's Choice"? If you did, you will remember that her horrific choice was which one of her two children to try to save from certain death in a concentration camp. In the end, she can't live with herself for having selected one of her children over the other (even though by then she has lost both of them).<p>Chosing which night your husband will betray you is not "supportive" of your marriage and doesn't prove to him that you're "standing by him"-- more like you're laying under the heel of his boot. It gives him the impression of your consent.<p>If he ever does anything like this to you again, I hope you will tell him that it is like asking you if you want to be stabbed to death or shot, and such a choice is no choice at all.

Charynne, Thank you...Under the boot is about how I am feeling. I don't know how to fix it or what to do when he gets home...I spoke with him today on his way there. "I told him that I preferr that he not go at all, but I know that isn't going to happen. This will not become a habit, I hope that he comes home soon." I said that I loved him and he said that he loved me too...so confusing!

I would have said......<p>I just want to let you know that it is not my choice that you continue to betray me, our marriage and our family. That is your choice. It is not acceptable to me for you to see her, ever. I also want you to know that it is impossible for any human being to repeatedly endure the emotional pain of a continued affair and that if you continue to chose to betray me I will soon lose any loving feeling I have for you.<p>This is all his responsibility, don't let him make it yours.<p>Radical honesty is complete, it doesn't suck up what hurts. It expresses itself in a calm non LB way but expresses itself nonetheless.<p>If you continue to agree to something that is sooo outrageously ridiculous he'll continue in his affair until God only knows how long. It's hard enough to recover when WS choses you. It's next to impossible when you are the booby prize and are just chosen cuz you're the only one left.

I'm crying now! I feel so stupid!!! You are right Mthrrhbard! I think it is just fear that I don't know how to say it. I am scared when he comes home tonight too because of the fact that I don't want to LB and nothing comes out right and I am so incredibly hurt and crazed/defeated at the same time. Make any sense?

Just a little bump...

What happened last nite Faith?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I'm crying now! I feel so stupid!!! You are right Mthrrhbard! I think it is just fear that I don't know how to say it. I am scared when he comes home tonight too because of the fact that I don't want to LB and nothing comes out right and I am so incredibly hurt and crazed/defeated at the same time. Make any sense? <hr></blockquote><p>Why do you feel stupid? Don't!!<p>While my WH and I were seperated the 3rd time I would willingly go to his house and be with him....knowing that he would go to the OW's house and spend the night. He was honest enough to let me know that he was doing this.
At the time....I could live with that. WHY?
Because I saw that my WH was changing....the more time that he spent with me....meant less time that he spent with her.
It tore me up to know that he would leave right after I left to go spend the night at her apartment.....but I felt in my heart and in my mind that I was doing the right thing.
It might not be the "right" thing to do....the right thing for you or someone else.....but it was the right thing for me.<p>I looked at it this way.
My WH was honest enough with me to let me know that he was doing this.....which meant that I was making a comfortable environment for him to be able to talk to me even about the OW.
No way in he!! he could have done that with the OW. She didn't make him comfortable enough to do that.
After a while...he started making comments about telling her that it was over......took off my wifes hat and put on my friends hat.....and told him that I didn't think he would do it.
2 weeks later....he did it....on his own...out of the blue. 1 week later....he was on my doorstep telling me that he wanted to be with me.<p>My point....don't feel stupid about this....even though it makes you feel like crap that he is doing this.......you wouldn't do it if it didn't seem like the right thing to do for you.<p>I do have to say though that throughout this whole thing with my WH I did continue to let him know that a relationship with me meant that the OW was COMPLETELY out of the picture....that I wouldn't put up with having to share....even though at the time I was sharing....he could tell that I wouldn't put up with it for long.<p>Everybody has a different set of rights and wrongs......so do what you think is right for you. Not right for anyone else or for your WH...but for YOU!