Well- if you have been following my posts you know that WW has been giving signale that she will end A and pursue Marriage (remember D-Day 12/7). More signals this weekend:<p> all e-mail contact has stopped dead since
last wed 2/6; <p> no phone contact over weekend (that's a first);<p> OM has changed his marital status on his AOL
profile from "waiting for someone special"
to "who knows";<p>I asked my wife if she wanted to stay married to me for the rest of her life? A=YES. Did she want to commit to making me happy? A=YES Did she know the first thing she could do? A= YES- "and I am handling it, but you have to have patience."<p>She also volunteered that she won't be seeing him at all this week, but she will talk to him. She also refused to discuss excatly what was going on, but said she would talk to me about it "when she is ready".<p>Over weekend, I tried to keep TALK to a minimum. At one point, though, I walked into bedroom while she was changing. She was wearing a new lacy bra and matching panties (which I didn't realize was everyday wear). I was "blown away" by how great she looked and of course tried to start something sexually. She got a little mad and went into bathroom.<p>Yesterday I stayed home from work-but first I asked her if that would "mess up her day". She said no-she wanted me to stay home. But she did send me to bring girls to school and then I'm sure she called OM while I was out (phone was used-I assume to call him). I didn't confront her, though.<p>We had a blowup Mon afternoon after having a great day. We were sitting in the park and I guess I was pressing her and she said things like-"You expect me to all of a sudden love you after 22 years?" and "Don't you think I find it hard to believe you love me so much all of a sudden after 22 years?".<p>And she said that she understands that I haven't had sex in 7 months, she knows that and she is sorry, but what do I want-for her to just lay out for me and give me sex? She said it will come on a natural timetable-not by my demands. <p>At one point she screamed "What the F do you want from me?" I started to sob as I told her that "...all I want is for my wife to love me and want to make me happy? Is that too much to ask? Doesn't a husband deserve that much from his wife?" She calmed down immediately and said no- that isn't too much to ask and that is what she wants to do- but I just have to be patient.<p>We then went to my DD's b-ball game and had more fun. When we got home-I took care of dinner while she did laundry. At one point (this is REALLY A FIRST!!) she came up to me, put her arms around me, and kissed me-not just a peck-and said "thank you for taking care of dinner and thank you for a great day".<p>Wow- am I confused? Where is the withdrawal from the A everyone talks about? How can the A be hot and sexual one day and almost over the next?? What happened to make OM just stop e-mailing, after averaging like 10 a day? Is this the real thing? I wonder if maybe they agreed to a "trial separation"? Remember, this OM divorced his W, and bought a new house, basically for my WW. <p>What happened to my wife to change her? Is she really changed?<p>My plan now is to back off. Slow down my pursuit-keep Plan A'ing, but not as strong. My WW indicated that sometimes she says my actions feel false, forced, part of a "plan". So I will try to be more natural. <p>My curiousity is killing me-but I'm afriad if I snoop, and get caught, that will be major LB. And if I press, major LB.<p>But I can't stand not knowing what the heck is going on???!!!

It is the hardest thing in the world to not want to go full blast when you feel things changing. I think you have the right idea Boppo, let things take their own course as your wife suggests and you seem to have decided to do. My WW has sent mixed signals also since contact ended, she admits she is very confused.If you are wondering where withdrawl is, don't worry it probably will come in time. My wife first broke down in front of me about a week or so after no contact. <p>Just continue to show the new you is for real and consistant. You are doing well. Remember this is on your wife's timetable for the most part.<p>hang in there!
-HI

Thank you, Hangin In. Now I am really struggling and can use some support. As I said, my wife VOLUNTEERED that she would not be seeing OM this week. (I hadn't asked). She usually sees him regularly on Tuesdays, as far as I can tell (other days on ad-hoc basis, I guess). Anyway, I promised her I wouldn't check up on her today. She said she doesn't want me asking her "Did you see him today? or "Did you talk to him today?"<p>Last night she told me she would be home all day today doing laundry, cleaning, etc. Well, I had to call at 9:05 to tell her something important about the week's finances and I got the machine. I aasked her to call me back, VIP, and she hasn't!I am now all torn up! Is she with OM? Is she still lying? How will I know when she is telling the truth? <p>This sucks so bad!!!

I am sorry that you have to be in this position...About the phone call, wait and see, don't jump to conclusions, if she really is trying you don't want to accuse her. I am not sure about the withdrawl either, I had one short period dealing with it before OW contacted my H and we started all over, but he was just blah...not happy, not sad, just here. I know that didn't probably help alot, but the biggest thing is don't accuse her. Find a non LB way to bring it up!
My prayers

Take a breath Boppo you are doing fine. Remember there are a billion legitimate reasons your wife may not be answering the phone. I know how it feels at the beginning of no contact. it brings you back to wondering what she is doing at ever single second. When you do get in touch with her try not to blast her with questions or let your anxiety show too much. If you need to, try to ask in a nonchalant way. Do you NEED to talk to her or can you leave the message on the machine? I know when I was (or I suppose AM still sometimes) anxious I can make up a many important reasons I needed to call, when in truth I just needed her voice to assure me she was there and not with OM. <p>If you pressure or seem to distrusting at this stage in recovery it can make her feel that, "hey if I am making all this effort not to contact and he STILL doesnt trust me, why should I try?" My WW said as much to me when I was REALLY inquisitive early on. So try to do something to distract yourself. There really isnt a way to tell if she is telling the truth right now, I wish there was. I dont think our WW's would agree to having a polygraph at home.<p>Yes it does suck, but you can get through it.
If you cant trust yet, at least try to adopt a little indiference for now. There isnt anything you can do right? If you panic and keep calling it is a LB if you sit and worry it will just stress you out. sweep it under and address it in an *appropriate* manner when it can be productive.<p>[ February 12, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Boppo,<p>She isn't going to go through withdrawal until all contact ceases. It hasn't. So don't worry about that. As for not pushing her, that is good advice. As for keeping your eyes open, do that. Your silence will tell her more than all of the questions.<p>They may have figured out you can check up on email. They sound like they are trying to break this off, at least your W is. However, you know and so does everyone here how hard that is.<p>So Plan A, but back off a bit. Curiousity, won't do you any good, and finally until it is over and recovery is really started you cannot really trust what you do find out. <p>So hang in there. The signals are good, but the progress will two steps forward and one back for awhile yet. At least that is my guess.<p>God Bless,<p>JL