I have been trying to do Plan A, but it seems like the nicer I am the more he hurts me. I was gone all weekend with the kids visiting family. When I got home Sunday night, he didn't even get off the couch to welcome me home. The house was a mess as well, and I lost it. I know it was a LB, but I just couldn't seem to stop it. I know you tell me he is an alien and in the fog, etc. but I don't know how to handle this. He is so wrapped up in his little pity party that he has no time for me. I am beginning to wonder if this is even what I really want, but then I think of our kids. I try to remember how it used to be when we were happy so I can want that back, but it is getting harder and harder. I told him Sunday that I think he is trying to make me throw him out so he can say he tried but it was my fault it didn't work out. He told me he wouldn't leave even if I did ask him to. Sometimes I see little glimmers of hope, but then it just seems to go right back to the same old thing. What is especially hard is that the 18 year old OW is living with his sister. She is a very old friend of the family and I don't see her ever getting out of our lives completely. She and his sister's daughters are best friends. So I just don't know what to do now. I have thought of asking him to write a no contact letter, but how is that possible with the way things are?? His sister is furious with him, but we all just "don't understand how much he loves her". I guess what I am trying to say is I am tired and I don't know how to get my hope back. Please help.

amh,<p>{{{{((((HUG))))}}}, please be patience and ask the Lord for patience and wisdom. In plan A you should not set any expectation. Kind of lower expectation if you want to look at it that way. Right now he is in the withdrawal phase, there is no chance of recovery yet. H has to get over it. Question for you, does H knows that OW has a boyfreinds already ?. Did he agree to conseling yet ?.<p>[ February 12, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

AMH
Listen to Redhat, from what I have read here, Redhat speaks wisely.<p>I too know the frustration of giving and not receiving in return. But that is not Plan A. Plan A is about you. I look at it as trying to change myself and be strong and happy and ONE of the things that makes me happy is giving because I love my WH, not because I will get something back.<p>I felt my WH was not trying and in a LB moment told him. He said he was. I said how and he told me some of the things he was doing. Granted they were little things. But he was right. Take the good - no matter how small - and work from there. Don't let the bad things eat you up - they are a part of the "fog,addiction,withdrawal".<p>I have found my patience is greater when I look for the good little things WH does. Like starting my car for me on a cold day or unloading on me his frustration about a situation at work. These little things can be far and few between, but they help tremdously if you look for them.<p>And of course - it is a slow and long process and we have just begun.<p>Take care...

Twinkles: Thanks for the encouragement!<p>Red Hat: Yes, we are both in counseling but doesn't seem to be helping. He doesn't seem to want to change the way he feels or accept he may have been wrong. How can "his love for her" be wrong?? He is in denial big time. As to the OW having a boyfriend, no I have not told him as I am afraid he would jump in his truck to rush up there and try to stop her seeing him. My 6 year old is starting to pick up on things now. We were arguing Sunday night and he stormed into the room and asked "Why are you fighting?? What did he (daddy) do??" This made my husband mad as Buzzy was taking up for me and assuming daddy was the bad guy. Well he learns from what he sees!!
I know I need to be patient and loving, and I really am trying, it just gets so frustrating. I try to concentrate on me and my kids, getting back into church, spending time together, but he is always there to remind me that things are not right.

amh,<p>Yes, it is very hard to do plan A specially when A is dead. You have to be carefull in LB'ed department, you have to make it safe for your H to come back & make you a better choice. In his mind A is still alive and there is a hope. Sooner or later H will hear about OW's new life and hope it will put an end to his wishfull thinking. Read about recovery in SAA & SKM's link about recovery to help you out. H needs to be alone in this case and deal with it, he will talk to you when he is ready. Like you say, concentrate on you & your family.

Hang in there amh... You are running low on love bank deposits from your H! But remember he is in heavy withdrawal. Maybe he will get his reality check when he sees OW with her new boyfriend in the future. I'm just worried that since she is so young, she won't know how to tell him when/if she is over him, you know? Yuck...<p>Oh well, just know that a good Plan A has to be in place before moving to Plan B so that your H realizes what he stands to lose. It's all to help you become a better you. Your kids deserve a better mom and you will feel better about you when you can stay calm and rational in the midst of a chaotic situation. Resting in God's peace.<p>Your H has got to know deep down inside that there is no future for him and that kid. He's just not in his right mind at the moment.<p>You're doing fine and your reactions sound normal to me. It's not going to be easy since the OG (other GIRL) is like family. Hang in there & keep the faith! Glad SIL is supportive of you.