hello: about a month ago I found out about my wife's affair with another married man. we HAVE two kids *8 and 5* and there are no words to describe the devastation this has caused. to make the painful experince short: she said she has made the biggest mistake of her life and she won't do it again and i tried to follow the advice of the marriage conselers and this web site and decided that i couldn't end this marriage, because of my kids would be the ones that would suffer the most.Now 2 weeks after i found out ABOUT THE AFFAIR,we were still in the fighting stage, (SOME HOW) we had sex and i realized that she had been with him the same day AGAIN, i just could feel it, I am sorry but it was like someone else had worn my shoes if you know what I mean! now we have come to the conclusion of moving to another state and have put up our house for sale. I am so powerless here because of this nightmare and she says lets start all over again in a different town. I dont think she has realized what she has done and I am very confused. I say to myself i have got to get A divorce but i think about the consequenses and I am stuck in this never ending hell.i THINK SHE IS STILL SEEING THIS GUY OR IS IN CONTACT WITH HIM AND I CANT PLAY SPYING GAMES ANY MORE. what do i do? my life has turned up side down and i feel like i am going to loose everything i have worked for . 10 years of marriage, my kids, my house, my business, my friends and to make it short: everything that made me who i am or was! i AM SORRY BUT I AM VERY SCARED AND CONFUSED. I HAVE LOST THE ABILITY TO TRUST HER AND I HAVE BEEN DESTROYED AND i FEEL LIKE THIS HELL THAT SHE HAS PUT ME THROUGH WILL NEVER END AND I NEED HELP. I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN AND NO ONE CAN HELP ME.THIS HAS BEEN AN ASSULT ON MY EGO, MY MANHOOD, MY PRIDE AND I FEEL VERY VIOLATED. YET I GO HOME AND I SEE MY KIDS AND I LOOK AT THEM AND SAY TO MY SELF THAT I COULD NOT LOOSE THEM. WHAT DO I DO? DO I GET DIVORCE OR DO STAY AND LIVE THIS NEVER ENDING NIGHTMARE. ITS LIKE IT GOES BACK AND FORTH: I WANT A DIVORCE AND CANT GET A DIVORCE.IS SHE TRUTHFULL OR LYING AGAIN. PLEASE HELP ME IF YOU CAN. I REALLY NEED TO GET MYSELF HEALED AND I AM SUFFERING. I WANT THIS TO END AND PLEASE GUIDE ME IF YOU CAN . MAY BE YOU CAN HELP ME TO GET RID OF THIS MASSIVE PAIN.THANK YOU. YOURS SINCERELY, THE MAN WITH A PUNCTURED SOLE. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I am so sorry your here. I hear your pain. <p>Here are some things to think about but it doesn't make the pain go away. <p>Whether you get a divorce or not you still have major healing to do. Those divorce papers do not have any healing in them. <p>There is no quick fix. Know that it is o.k. to be in pain and be patient with the painful days cause it will be awhile before their gone. There is NOTHING you can do to rush through the healing. <p>The healing is going to take a lot of time and work. Get in counseling for you. Get on Antidepressants to help you cope. <p>Read everything you can on this site about surviving an affair. <p>Again, I am really sorry you are here. It does get better if you work on you.

I am so sorry for your pain. But IluvNprotectme is right, you need to read everything on this site, just knowing why this is happening and where your spouse is at this time is healing alone! It helps you to focus on the cause and how to fix it instead of the excruciating pain. Take care of yourself for you and those little ones. You will find wonderful people here with tons of support. It does become addicting, I am thinking that we all will need to go to MB'rs Anon. in the years to come [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Bleeding
I am sorry for your pain. I know how terrible it can be. Before I give you my 2 cents worth...I thought I would just let you know that my H has been gone for 6 months and has not waivered once about his "lack of love for me".
NOw, let's get to you.....first of all I wouldn't make any hasty decisions about uprooting your whole family. You are in a confusing and painful situation right now.....you are not thinking clearly. Even your wife is probably no thinking clearly. Have you thought of counseling? If your wife won't go....you need to. It helps. You should try it. You thought it would be okay after 2 weeks?? This is going to be a long process. Be patient...make a plan....see what you want to do. DOn't make and hasty decisions that you might regret. Your wife needs to break all contact with OM.
I hope this helps a little......you know? I know my H would be home if there was no OW.
Good luck to you and stay strong....bring back that clear head!
MAX

bleeding...
I am so sorry to hear this horror has its hold on your life right now. 2 weeks after discovery there is a hell of a lot of emotion to say the least. I guess I don't need to tell you that. Stay your course. Try to save your marriage. I know how hard it is to even wake up the next day sometimes, much less think clearly. Have pride in yourself. Noone else gives that to you and noone else can take that away remember that. It helps to try to construct a plan and stick to it.Have you read "Surviving an Affair" it helped me when I was REALLY depressed and confused.
In my opinion, first I think you should work on trying to gether yourself up. Make it through the day. Remember to breathe, you know?
Please believe me it does get bearable. I dont think any part of this ever gets easy, but you can find the strength. Talk to an individual counselor, dont feel ashamed to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. You need to be strong enough for yourself to work on fixing the M.<p>When you find you are able to, try a Plan A. It is what they talk about on this website and in the books. <p>If you need a friend or some advice, we are all here for you..<p>-HI

bleeding,<p>The very very first thing to do is: NOTHING.
Don't even think about making a serious decision when you are in the pain you are in. Don't move, don't close down your business, don't file for divorce. <p>DO go to counseling. Do some reading here. Do get Surviving an Affair, by Harley and read it. Do talk to a clergyman or counselor, or come here.<p>You aren't the first nor will you be the last, but you are hurting. So don't make any decisions now.<p>Just calm down. Talk with your W, and see what she is thinking. You have plenty of time to file for divorce and frankly if the Harley method doesn't help restore your marriage, it will help prepare you for divorce. You cannot lose in that regard.<p>So read, post, and take your time. You have much more than you realize.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

bleeding,<p>Please go and see your doctor, tell him you have a marital problem and need medication to ease the pain. Find someone close to you, has to be male, to take to and to listen to you. It is very painfull, all BS has been there. It is good you want to save your M, you have come to the right forum.<p>Now it is very confusing and painfull, aside from getting medication, you have to learn as much as you can about MB. Get busy and get your note book and pen, learn about MB basic concept, follow General Welcome and Quick Guide for BS on my signature. Stay focus and do not idle. Time will help you heal but Time also your enemy as fas as idleing and dwelling on the A. Learn about EN, LB, LB$, and plan A/B. Get SAA book and read it as soon as possible.<p>Keep posting here for questions and updates.

Bleeding,<p>You are not alone. You have to hang tough. As you will read if you have not already you need to get strong for you and your kids. You have to work like hell on Plan A. I know she did this to you and it was her choice but if you want it to work you have to show her you can forgive and in the process become a better husband, man, father and citizen. I have been at it for 10 months and it does have it's up's and downs but does get better. TRUST THAT IT WILL. As you will also read at this site you cannot really begin a productive Plan A until she is done with this guy. If you press her it will make it worse. You cannot change her or how she feels you can only support her to make the right decisions. Pleae remember if you divorce and think a year or two from now that you should have done more it would be too late.
The best thing you can do now is concentrate on all of the things that you enjoyed before the A. It will be up to her to accept your support.
I feel your pain and you are not alone. I am praying for you and will not stop until I see a good post of progress.
Hang tough and be strong.
Jim

{{{{{Bleeding}}}}}<p>I completely identify with your torn feelings. Sometimes I have to go somewhere to be alone so I can cry and cry and cry. If I stay in this M, I feel like I'm sacrificing myself. If I divorce, I am sacrificing my children. No good choices. A step in any direction is pure hell, as is standing still.<p>The way I have been able to survive so far is to be mindful that things like this happen to so many. People are victimized daily and have to live with the consequences of someone else's actions. I think of those who are wheelchair-bound because of a drunk driver or those who lose loved ones whose lives were taken by murderers. As victims of adultery, we're in much the same place emotionally. Our lives are changed permanently by someone else's actions, and we have absolutely no control over that. We are stuck with what that person did to us.<p>Facing the reality and the injustice of it is necessary, but also recognizing how much a part of the human experience this is will help. You never know what the person sitting next to you in the waiting room or the person you're standing behind in line is going through. I know I'm not alone in my suffering, and I can help others, and that helps me.<p>Another thing that helps is I have my court papers all ready to file at any time. I have given myself permission to end this M at any time. That way I don't feel so trapped. I just take each day as it comes, and there is still pain in each day, but I'm still standing, still walking toward my goals.<p>What has helped me is to concentrate on the things I want in my life and the things I want to accomplish that are not dependent on remaining married, things that are positive and good and desirable whether I'm married or not. In your case, you may want to look at your moving plans in that light. Is this a decision you would make and a plan of action you would follow if you were not married?<p>If you don't want to give up your M, your kids, your house, your business, and your friends, then don't. If you give up everything that makes you you, then you likely would end up more depressed than you are. Don't bite off more than you can chew right now. You cannot control your W's behavior, but you can make decisions about what YOU will do.<p>My H also wanted to move out of town, out into the country, and commute, leaving me and the kids in the middle of nowhere. Now, that might have been an option when I felt secure in my M, but that is not the case right now, and since D is now a possibility, I have to take that into consideration. I don't want to be a single mom living in the middle of nowhere with a bigger mortgage and no community support, so I simply will not do it. In fact, I won't make any long-term commitment-type changes while I'm in this transitional relationship state.<p>I think a lot of us here have found that the best we can do is to focus on ourselves and the things we have control over and what we can do to make life better for ourselves and our children. As soon as you focus on your WS and their words and actions, that's when the ride gets a lot rougher. The more I let go of my expectations of him and concentrate on what *I* will do instead of what I wish HE would do or what he should be doing, the stronger I feel.<p>For instance, one of my biggest complaints about my H is his lack of respect and his double standards. I have spent countless hours lamenting over it, trying to get through to him about it, crying over it, trying to understand it, ad nauseum. I refuse to waste any more of my life doing that.<p>I accept that he is disresectful and misogynistic. Now, it's up to me to decide if I want to remain in a R with such a person. Once I opt out of that dance with him, it will be up to him to decide if he wants to continue that dance (in which case he would have to find a different partner) or if he doesn't want to change partners, he'll have to learn a new dance.<p>Once you reach inside yourself and find those answers, you can have a measure of peace within the pain. I guess that's what the Serenity Prayer is all about.

Bleeding,
Wow, I know exactly what you are going through. We've been going through this heel for the last 6-8 months(they all just melt together). I went through the first 2 months without help and felt the same way you did. A visit to my MD and he prescribed anti-depressants. My first thought was no way am I taking an anti-depressant #1. I'm not depressed I'm pissed. # 2. The stigma that goes with taking an AD. #3. I shouldn't have to resort to AD because of what "She" did to me.
But the AD really did make a difference and helped me get to the point where I could "handle" the situation better. I'm off them now since December and can honestly say I'm making better decisions now and without them I would have been just LB left and right. So please make a visit at least to your family MD.
Good luck,
Darryl

Also my realization is that there will be more lies until the sh*t settles which in my case wasn't for a few months. When my wife first read How to survive an affair she couldn't believe how "textbook" her affair was and I think that did alot to change her attitude about her affair. So hang in.
I lost 20lbs (which I couldn't afford in the first place) within a month (Best diet plan in the world [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ) Could'nt sleep but it will get better w/time.
Darryl

hello everyone: I like to express my most sincere thanks and gratitude to following members for replying to my letter posted the othe day:
ILUVNPROTECT,FAITH&HOP,FEELINGSOALONE,HANGINGIN,JUSTLEARNING,RED AHT,JIMMYS,CONQUEROR and DSKEF.<p>THANK YOU ALL FOR SHARING YOUR VALUABLE THOUGHTS WITH ME. I WILL POST A NEW A LETTER IN A FEW MINUTES.
YOURS SINCERELY,
BLEEDING