I haven't been here for a while. Things are going great for the most part. My wife is no longer in contact with om. We are buying a house and closing on it tomorrow. I had considered not signing unless she would write the letter to him and another to a friend of hers that knew about the affair and encouraged it. I also wanted a solid commitment from her. Today I got one. She said to me that she just made a thirty year commitment to me (we had just signed for the note). I took a napkin and wrote "I promise to love and cherish my wife, Marybeth, for the rest of my life." I signed it and gave it to her. She read it, wrote "ditto" on it and then signed it herself. She refuses to write the letters, though. She doesn't understand why I want her to. She says it's over with him and I believe her but I think it would help her to get it out on paper. She says I just want to control the breakup so I can say I stopped the affair. She has said I was controlling(our whole marriage) since I found out about the affair. She never said this before I found out. If it is as important for her to write these letters as I think this site says it is, how can I persuade her to do it? Or should I just not worry about it? I really do believe we are on the road to solid recovery but can't give over my need for her to tell him and her friend. What do you guys think?

I think that the no contact letter is necessary, not only does it close the book for your spouse it also closes it for you and let's you know that they are being real. It will give you a certain peace of mind. Just my opinion, I'll pray about it for you!

There seems to be two types of WS. <p>One that comes back to BS and wants to act as though nothing happened and the other that comes back to BS with a strong comittment to rebuild the marriage and bends over backwards for the BS to assure that he/she means it.<p>Your wife unfortunately seems to be of the former group. Doesn't sound like a repentant spouse when she even accuses you of controlling her throughout the marriage.<p>At the risk of sounding cynical, all I can suggest is that you better brace yourself emotionally for the 'rollercoaster' of the on again off again A. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 12, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

I was the ws, the no contact letter I received
let me know in no uncertain terms that the affair was over.I think she needs to do that for you ,her and op so op doesnt have any hopes of keeping it up.Cant be much more blunt than the nc letter. I was wanting to send it myself, but didnt so when I read it, despite the pain, I knew it was the right thing. I havent ever contacted op again.

There was no "no contact" letter written in my case....and we are truly happy in our recovery.<p>BUT.....WH is willing to write one. I just think that since she is really out the picture that it would be more trouble than it's worth.

I think it depends on the individual situation. I think it says a lot when the WS is willing to write one. My WH was willing, but for us it would have made things worse. For our exOW ANY contact was good and an invitation to more contact as far as she was concerned. If he had sent her a no contact letter she would have been dialing that phone in 2 seconds. Would have been a great excuse to contact him to call him more names and rant about how much she hated me.

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it. I have decided to ask her again to write the letters. I would still like some help on telling her the reasons it is neccesary. Anybody have any inciteful ways to explain the importance of it?
Thanks again.

saddad,<p>Is she familar with MB concepts, such as radical honesty?<p>I'd personally say that the no contact letter is a form of radical honesty - from the WS to OP. If they're really dedicated to working on the M, then that's the truth - and telling OM that fact is simply being honest, even if it hurts and is unpleasant.<p>In the end, I think it's a good idea to help the OP, if she wants to look at it that way. OP can then hopefully truly realize the absolute end of the A, just a bit more. It can help them get over the WS by realizing it's time to move on - they have no choice, and thinking longingly about WS is pointless.<p>Of course, you can lead a horse to water, but... If she won't write it, she won't write it. Let her know you'll sleep better at night, and that it has benefits for OP as I described, maybe.

Hi, Saddad,
Have you read SAA? Do you have a copy of it? It's spelled out pretty clearly WHY a nc letter is important.<p>I also think it's important that your wife understand your thinking, and your actions....and reading SAA, either herself, or both of you together, so that you can discuss the points, is a good place to start rebuilding. Is she open to reading anything that will help do that? Are you recieving MC?<p>You will do fine, just remember to take it slow, and continue to "be there" for her and her EN's!<p>God Bless,