Reminder...<p>d-day - 7/01
3 kids (9,7,4)
M - 12 yrs
know each other 20<p>Lots happened in the last couple of weeks. Told the kids that WW is moving out this week to an apt. and WW began packing.<p>It is killing me seeing all her things packed. I still love this woman with all my heart. If you will remember, I decided to stay in the house and we would share time with the kids. She feels she needs time and space to determine what she wants. She is still seeing OM. Says she has not made a permanent decison about us.<p>We are still in counseling. I do not know how I am going to make it thru the day she moves out.<p>When we told the kids, I thought it would be my middle D (7) that had the biggest issues, but she is looking at this as "exciting" right now - new place, etc. I think it will hit her in a couple of weeks. My S (9) was extremely quiet when we told him - usually mouthy, etc. - told WW he didn't want her to go and asked her why she was not happy. They know nothing about OM.<p>Baby D (4) has no clue, but knew enough to open her mouth to my parents who did not know yet about anything. I had been trying to figure out how to tell them - both very emotional - guess she helped.<p>How do I get through this? <p>DD

Hi DD,<p>How do you get through it? I don't have any amazing words of wisdom - I can use them just as much as anybody. Words of encouragement? Well, there's always hope.<p>Based on your history, it looks like this has been out for a little over 6 months now, correct? Hmm... that's the way it was with Sue and Jon in SAA if you recall. Sue moved out at about the 6 month mark.<p>What was Harley's recommendations to Jon at the time? Be kind to her as she leaves. Tell her that you prefer to work on the marriage, but realize she needs time to herself, that you truly want her happiness, etc., etc. If you also recall, Jon went to Plan B shortly thereafter. Now, I don't know your complete story - whether you feel you've done a good Plan A, and whether you feel your love bank is close to empty. That of course would dictate your decision to go to Plan B - no-one but you can know when it's time for that.<p>But I guess what I'm trying to say is that Sue and Jon made it. It wasn't easy, but they did. And with your kids, you've got a great way to keep her mind on the M, even while away.<p>I reflect to my situation and wonder too. It's been 5.5 months for me now, since d-day and in Plan A. WW is also undecided, on the fence, but at home. But for how long? She's away at a conference overseas right now, and at one time implied that she might want to move out if she came back and "didn't feel any different." I worry that she's going through withdrawal right now, clouding her opinions about me and the M. It's sad, because just before she left, she was showing some real signs of defogging. Oh well. I can't control her. She'll do what she does.<p>In any case, I do believe that separation can be a blessing. It's the final blast of reality for the A. It will always be somewhat protected in its bubble while they live at home. So don't think of it as a set-back - think of it as what could be the natural progression the A needs in order to die.

seperation is not the end, jr is right, they can see reality better.. what will it really belike without you? then she may start to realize what she will miss.. I am sorry you are here.. but you have come to a good place.. I am very tired, but my thoughts are with you... stay here, post, and read... and grow... hugs, honey

dd,<p>Moving out could be a blessing in disguise. It will give her mor time with OM. I know that scares you, but they will begin to see each other for who they really are, warts and all. Also, she will begin the affect this will have on the kids and she may begin to miss the things about you she took for granted. It may allow you a chance to step back, heal and focus on yourself and your kids. It will also give you the chance to plan B if and when the time is appropriate. I never had that chance because my W would never leave. I couldn't leave because of potantial custody issues. I wish she would have left because I'm past the point where most BS's go to plan B. I have very little love left for my W and am only trying for my daughter's sake for the most part. <p>Take advantage of the opportunity I didn't have.<p>sad dad

JR, Honey, Sad Dad - I am sorry for your pain and I pray for you along with my own prayers. I still do not understanmd how a spouse could do this to someone they vowed to love forever in front of God and friends. Still makes no sense to me - and I don't hink it ever will.<p>WW showed kids (and me) apt tonight. I was there less than 5 mins and had to walk out - I couldn't take it. Cried in the car when I left to go to a sports event with S (9). He didn't see me cry. Still cannot believe this is happening.<p>Anyone else have more advice? I know there is no magic out there.<p>Thanks!
DD

Hi,<p>This is the 'tough love time'. Have you read the book "love must be tough"? It is good and will keep you from feeling 'devastated. <p>Take Care,
L.

Who's the author?

Well, if there was any magic advice I think it would have been circulated by now and there would be no more people on this board trying to fix their marriages because they would just follow thae advice and everything would be fixed. (Wouldn't that be nice!)<p>However, I have had some insights in the past couple of days which may or may not help. I too wrestle with the incomprehensibility of someone promising until death do us part and then parting just becaues they say they're not happy or they're not in love anymore. I mean that's why we got married in the first place - to have a little security in our lives.<p>Anyway, I was praying and wondered if my prayers would be answered when so many others on this board have prayed and still got divorced, and this is what came to me. <p>There is evil/temptation in the world, and Satan is always out there tempting us. And depending upon our relationship with God at the time we either turn back to him or give into temptation.<p>Now, although there is free will, God in His goodness is definitely more powerful than sin and evil, and could really be making things happen in the lives of our WS to either get their attention or make their lives miserable. Yet it doesn't seem to me that He's doing that. So, I just keep getting closer and closer to divorce, which I know God hates and I know would be just terrible for the kids.<p>So, why is this happening, why is God not doin g anything to stop this?<p>My answer is found in this. <p>First, everytime I'm at my wits end, crying, feeling like I can't go on etc. God always finds a way to lift me out of my sadness - either by a phone call from a friend, a card in the mail, or just a happiness or peace inside myself. So I know HE's taking care of me and helping me bear my suffering - which is nothing compared to what He suffered.<p>Second, just like God let the 9/11 attack happen. Maybe God is letting the (in my case) divorce happen for a reason. Now of course I have no idea what the reason is, and it's hard to see good coming from this bad, but I have faith that God has an incredible reason full of love and mercy. <p>Therefore, while God wishes my WH would turn around - and I have see God throw plenty in H's path that should have made his conscience kick in and turn around - my WH still chooses not return to me or to God - HE is somehow allowingthis to happen. So for some reason God is stil letting my WH make bad choices. I know God does not want me hurt, and He sees my tears and suffering, but there is a reason unknown to me why He is letting this happen.<p>I also know that jsut like tremendous good came from the 9/11 attacks, something wonderful is going to happen at the end of this. God is on my side and if God is for us, who can be against us?<p>I still see myself growing and changing during this entire time period and do honestly wish this nightmare would be over, but I have to trust that God's will is being done and that he's working on my happy ending. <p>OK, I didn't mean to be preachy, but sometimes I forget that God is more powerful than evil and that Good always triumphs in the end( our preist pointed that out and said if that wasn't the case, then he was in the wrong profession). And it's just one of those why do bad things happen to good people. Well God is letting this happen for a reason, and I'm not smart enough or wise enough or clarvoyant enough to see what comes next.<p>Yes, we can cry, our WS's are being so stupid, but God will never abandon us, and He will comfort us. We just have to take it day by day, and pray an trust.<p>I know, easier said then done.........K

I hear yoou and have thought similar thoughts. I have become a better person thru all this and thru Plan A'ing. WW even says she sees it and my devotion. However, she says nothing has changed - she's still not "in love" with me. And she still sees OM.<p>So - what do I do - I sit and wait and hope (as our MC puts it) she gets hit in the head by a 2x4 (figuratively speaking of course) and snaps out of it. If I get thru this week - I might get thru anything. One can only hope...and hope...and hope...<p>DD

Hi DD, I feel your pain. I know your pain. I too, when my H left, could not believe that someone who had promised to stay with me until the end of time, could actually leave me alone with a 2-year old because he simply found out one day that he wasn't "happy". I cried, I fought, I pulled him back...all this did nothing. <p>Listen to the sound advice you are getting from this board. Focus on you and your children. It doesn't mean that you're giving up on your marriage. It will feel like that but it's actually quite the opposite. And in the process of refocusing, you will grow and time will pass. You will make it through and be better. Plan something different for each day. Take up a new sport or hobby. Read, run...anything to keep your mind occupied. And cry, but not in front of her. Ok?<p>BTW, the author of Love Must Be Tough is James Dobson.

Well - she moved out today. Broke my heart to come home and find only a bed, one night stand and my dresser in our bedroom. She took everything else from our room.<p>Reality is setting in - is this permanent or not? She says no, but I'm not so sure.<p>Oldest child (9) seems to be really affected. I think we may need to get him some help. I tried to talking to him tonight but says he is just sad and wants us back together. I told him I love him and I will always be here for him and that he can call me anytime day or night and if there is a day he is supposed to be with me and he wants to be with her and vice versa, just to let me know. It's bad enough what she is doing to me, but to do this to our children just because she thinks she is not happy....it's just not fair.<p>What kind of mother puts herself before her children. The children know nothing about the OM.<p>I think things are going to get worse before they get better.<p>DD

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is so amazing to me that our spouses have bcome these very selfish people. They have put themselves before all others....my kids are 17 and almost 14. They know about the OW and they know that he is now living with her in a brand new house. They are very disappointed in Dad and hi actions. He also has not been seeing them the way that he should. That hurts the most. He was the very best Dad. He decided to work on the relationship with the OW..They went on trips...spent weekends together and my kids just were left alone .....they needed their Dad to help get them through this and he was only worried about himself. I just don't know anymore. I don't know what to do...how to act...I don't know if I should have any hope....it's very sad.
STay strong....keep talking to your kids. They need to see you strong. The better you are...the better they will be!
Max

It's amazing how a simple walk across that ever so thin line can do this...and affect so many people in the process - just because one person "thinks" they are not happy. Amazing.<p>It's amazing to me that I had gone on a few business trips overseas and had perfect opportunities to be unfaithful where nobody would have known - but did I ever? - NO! I guess I was more confident and comfortable with our relationship than she was.<p>May God bless us all and get us all through this horrible mess - I can think of so many other things to be doing with my family other than wondering if we will ever be a family again.<p>DD

Yeah, this "I have to be happy" thing - I think sometimes my WH is 2 again. As a parent, you just don't always do what makes you "happy. As a spouse, I thought similar rules applied, but I guess I was wrong.<p>All this from one who made me promise repeatedly that no matter what we would never even consider a divorce before he would marry me, and now...<p>Sorry to vent on your thread, but now you know you ar not alone in your feelings!

Bgentle - that's fine - I'm glad you have a place to vent - Lord knows we all need it....