My wife wants to sell the house so we can separate and each buy another. She is in the fog. It seems to me that, despite being in a state of diminished responsiblity, she is able to call all the shots. Our whole family will regret this one day. The house needs work to sell and it may take some time and we need a good price. If I delay the sale I'm LBing and spoiling my plan A. Am I prolonging the A by preventing them from getting together properly or perhaps creating the environment where she will leave and set up with him in a flat somewhere and the A can wither and die without destroying our whole future? Any thoughts?

Hi Paul Bradley, I am also in a Plan A mode, sounds like you might have just gotton lucky! This house selling project seems like there might be many opportunities for you to take advantage of time you can spend working on repairs together, this also buys you time to work Plan A. I made a fatal mistake when DDay happened, I did not know about this site, I did not know what to do, so I did what I thought I was best.<p>My WW did come home to work things out, it was a sensational 4 days while it lasted, at least while we were together, while we were apart, me at work and her at home, I was a disaster, no trust was killing me. Then I found out more lies like she was still talking to him, contacting him, you know. Anyway to make a long story short I was so upset about the lies that when I confronted her I asked if she loved the OM, and she said yes, so of course I asked her if she thought she would be happier with him, again, yes. I was at the point of being completely backed into a corner, I felt I had no options, my sanity or get rid of the source of conflict. I chose to get rid of the conflict thinking that it would show that I was a bigger man. <p>Now I wish that I had not let her go, we were starting to follow some of the MB principals but had not yet found this site. I was weak, I commited to a plan of action formed in the heat of emotional dispair, and it was a mistake, at least it feels that way, who knows maybe she would have finaly left on her own.<p>I am dealing with this alot better even though my WW and I have had a few conversations about the future and she seems pretty confident that she "loves" OM and that they are going to start a future together, but she has also agreed to try counciling which makes me think good things. <p>Its so hard to tell whats going on. Sorry didnt mean to steal the post from you.<p>I am in my venting stage.

Thanks DS,
I hadn't really seen that opportunity.<p>p.s what did you do to him, anything? and what was the result? I hate this feeling of being unable to influence things directly.<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: Paul Bradley ]<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: Paul Bradley ]</p>

Paul,<p>No I was able to keep my cool long enough to calm down, although WW, OM and I got into it on the phone, big LB on my part. The hardest thing about Plan A is that you really have to come to terms with the fact that you may have already lost your family. I really believe that once you are ok with that fact, then you will be able to Plan A until she/he sees the light. I am just now realizing this, the situation is beyond control, not just mine but thiers also. Read WATs quick start guide again, it really does have some solid foundational roots. <p>For now if I was in your position I would start taking an interest in getting the repairs made, not that you actually have to do anything, just look busy. Who knows maybe your WS will see how great you are after you both start this project. Remember NO LB! <p>I am so bad about LBing my WW, but we are just now entering week 4 of discovery/recovery. My WW is still lost in la la land, it shows in how much she believes that this new "love of her life" will be the be all end all, yeah, ok sure, keep believing that. Honestly I can say that I feel pretty good knowing that her world will come crashing down soon, why? well she is having to work extra hard to keep OM, esp since I am since I have a Phd in LBing. I dont really care where things go from here, I will get to see my son and thats what is important to me.<p>still venting . . . .<p>One last thing and I am sure that you have noticed it too, and that is that my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride, its almost like an olympic event to try and control my feelings. <p>I am working on it.<p>Hang in there and keep looking for ways to keep your WS involved, it will get better.

I too did not know about MB right away and kicked WH out. However, I do believe that Plan A could have really had a greater impact if I had been able to carry it on for longer. WS needs to see consistent changes and for an extemded period of time - and they do see changes, even if they don't mention it, but you have to be persistent and not LB. <p>I am also the queen of LB - I'd be ok for about a week adn a helf and then - LB. And my WH noticed. <p>If the threat of divorce wasn't looming over my head then I would have been hopefully able to see the fruits of my labor, but when in a divorce proceeding, everything is an LB to WS it seems.<p>My advice is since you are the one thinking rationally, don't let her call all the shots if it will hurt you and the kids. If she wants to move out - fine, let her, but only sell the house if you'll be ok. You could always erfinance to make the payments lower. Plus the kids need stability during this time.<p>Setting boundaries is different than LBing. You can't let WS make decisions that will impact you in a negative financial way if you can avoid it. K

You don't say if you have children. I think it makes a difference because selling your home when there are children living in it has a much broader impact.
Also, why does your wife need the house money to rent a flat? Doesn't the OM have a place? It sounds like he is employed...
Would your wife consider counseling? Is she willing to discuss what her issues are?
I think Plan A means- looking at what went wrong in the marriage, and acknowledging your own mistakes, expressing a desire to work on those issues. At the same time, imagine who is the person you want to be. Focus on making yourself into the best person you can be- whether your marriage survives or not!
I don't think it's a lovebuster necessarily to delay the sale. Remember lovebusters are 1)angry outbursts 2) disrespectful judgements 3) dishonesty 4)annoying behavior/habits 5)selfish demands. I think that sometimes on this site, people interpret Plan A and avoiding LBs to mean that you have to go along with anything the wayward spouse suggests. Try to discuss the house sale and negotiate respectfully if possible. Bring up your valid concerns and POV. I would try to buy some time if possible. But at the same time, yes, do start to fix up the house. If you save your marriage your wife will probably like the fact that the house is in better shape anyway.
Use phrases like..... "I'm uncomfortable making such an important decision so quickly" rather than "You're throwing it all away without knowing what you're doing". Really study the Lovebusters book! In my opinion, a BS can stand up for themselves as long as they try to communicate respectfully.

Paul Bradley,<p>Stall it. I am in the exact same place right now. W wants to sell the property and split up however I found out that OM is 2x Dv and broke, has to live with his mom. As you know, selling the property is the end of your M. Buy time to plan A'ng and stall it as much as you can. I have 2 D that I need to think where they will go as far as school and so on. W's plan is we spilt up the property, deep in her fog that her plan is sell it and no plan for 2 D at all.
Let them LB'ed each other.

I'm also in the same boat. My H wants to sell the house, but he doesn't want to fix it up first, so we would not be able to get a good price. Plus, to even get a comparable house size and neighborhood-wise that WAS in good repair (remember he doesn't want to do any repair work!), we'd end up with a higher mortgage payment, and I'm not about to do that as long as I may end up being a single mom and responsible for the house payments all by myself.<p>So, every time he brings it up, I just remind him that I am unwilling to incur a larger debt when I am without security in my M. That is reality, and if he doesn't want to live here, he can leave anytime. With his A, he placed responsibility for protecting me and the children on my shoulders, and I intend to do a good job of that.

Thanks everyone - this has been really useful.
For info we have 2 sons 5 and 10 and she refuses to go for counselling.<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: Paul Bradley ]</p>

Paul - is it financially possible for you to keep the house by yourself for you and your kids?<p>The point I want to eventually make is that you cannot stop the aggressively delusional from making mistakes and you should allow her to accumulate all the guilt for dividing your family.<p>If she wants to move out - let her and don't assist her in making that decision. If she wants to split up the family - don't participate in her decision by you taking actions to initiate selling the house. <p>Don't resist, but don't assist. Do not make bad decisions for her.<p>With that in mind, please consider communicating to her that you have no intention of selling the house. You need the house for you and your kids. If she wants to leave, you'll not stop her - because you can't. If she wants to take the steps to have her name removed from the mortgage - let her do it if you can qualify for the mortgage by yourself. If she wants to go find her own house - let her do it.<p>You should not help shield her from the consequences of her decisions.<p>The ideal situation for you - assuming she's gonna follow thru with a separation - is to let her leave on her own and find her own place to live with no assistance from you. You should only take affirmative actions to protect yourself. You can do all of this without LB'ing.<p>Of course, she cannot buy a house on her own - unless she's independently wealthy - without first getting off your joint mortgage, so you'll need to participate in either qualifying alone or refinancing alone. Do this only after she has already left.<p>What if she is too smart to fall into the trap and she wants to force you to participate? Do so only after she has made all the decisions irreversible.<p>Some my disagree with me on this in that by not willingly participating, you're LB'ing. I'm not saying you should stonewall to the point of inhibiting her from making her own decisions, just don't assist her in making those decisions - except the decision to work on your matriage.<p>In the end - if the worst comes to pass - you'll have no guilt for her decisions that destroyed your family. This will help you tremendously in the long run.