I don't know about the rest of you, but I am lost half the time and scared the other half. I want to somehow pool our experiences and develop a Recovery for Dummies thread. I know it sounds trivial, and I know this is not an easy road, and I am willing to continue to go all the way, but I need to know what has worked , what hasn't worked, what's been successful and what's been a disaster, so if you can please take a moment t to relate things you have said or done that have worked and didn't work. I am talking about how not to LB when dealing with your WS, and how to figure out if your WS is telling you the truth or lies. I am talking about trying to get a total feel for all of this. I must also say, in my case, telling me about counseling , books, or religion ( all fine ways to deal with this, but it won't do me any good because she (my WS) isn't ready for any of this and may never be. I have been on this sight for a while now and I am about to give it up. I am tired ( as I'm sure most of us are). I am lonely, frustrated and I am still somewhat angry at the situation. I know all of this takes time and I have been doing Plan A for a while. It might be time to go to Plan B , but before I leave this sight and chuck this whole concept, I am hoping we can share some real common sense experiences that have helped or hurt our efforts. Maybe this is another exercise in futility or maybe it will help us all. Please excuse the tone of this post, I am not having a good day

The best way to get specific insight is to read the posts - even on the EN board or Plan A/B board and then post specific questions here.<p>The suggestions about counseling, religion, books etc. is not for the WS - it's for YOU!<p>During Plan A, you're supposed to be changing as a person. Let's face it, none of us are perfect. This is the best opportunity to get closer to God, learn how to communicate with others better, and improve yourself.<p>If you get weary, you may want to get an counselor, or make sure you have a good support system, or find a support group with others in your situation where you can get more ideas.<p>I am in a position 6 mos. from D-day, and I can see that Plan A could really work. But it has to be consistent changes and changes in effect for months! Unfortunately, my WH was intent upon divorce and I could only Plan A for so long before I had to protect myself and deal with the reality he was giving me.<p>However, looking back, I honestly think that if I did not have the threat of divorce looming over me, I could have extended my Plan A to where he would really have felt comfortable with the changed me. Now all he wants to do is dig up past behaviors that I exhibited before D-day and apply them to whatever I do because that is what is familiar with him and what he wants to hang on to to give him a reason for the divorce.<p>If you reas enough posts, Plan A does work in many cases, and then only after 6 or more months Plan B can kick in. SAA recommends time limits for Plan B too.<p>I wouldn't throw in the towel yet unless you really don't want to keep the marriage and then I'd just plan on divorce. But if you want to try and keep the marriage intact. Plan A.<p>Advice - Keep your focus - write Remember Plan A or whatever on an index card or something to remind you and read it before you talk to WS. You can even write - do I feel like a doormat - then you're doing a great Plan A. You need to write down your reasons for Plan A when you are not in a down mood, and then review it when you do lose heart.<p>Pray for strength - God will give you that, and work on yourself. Don't focus on A. Keep yourself busy. It's a waiting game for sure. <p>Like I said, I would have loved to continue in Plan A because I really do think it would have worked - and my HW is one of the toughest nusts to crack on this board. I too have doubts - and that's why you have Steve or Jennifer to call - to keep you going.<p>I hope this helps at least a little. K

This is my advice in a nutshell:<p>1. Stop talking and interacting with your W about the A, the M, "us", any relationship stuff.<p>2. If she brings any of that up, let her do the talking. If her talk is foggy, try to change the subject or have an important appointment to go to or some other way to avoid it because when they talk about the R while in the fog it tends to LB us big-time, which can trigger us to LB back at them. So, try to table that stuff until there is mutual respect.<p>3. Put all your A, M, "us" stuff in a journal or on here so you can avoid talking about it with your W.<p>4. Read all the MB stuff you can and incorporate what you can for yourself until your W becomes able or willing to participate.<p>5. Do whatever you need to do to avoid LBs. Leave the room. Leave the house. Take a shower. Take a walk. Vent on here.<p>6. If your W is willing to fill out the LB and EN questionnaires (requesting this would be an exception to #1 above), then apply that to your Plan A and try to meet whatever ENs she allows. If she will not do the questionnaires, then do the best you can based upon your knowledge of her needs and your observations of her reactions as you go along. Do more of what seems to be working and immediately stop whatever is making things worse.<p>7. Decide how you want to live your life, and then live it. Focus on you and your goals. (When my H is being especially offensive, I just look at the nice wifely things I'm doing as reaching my goal of being the wife I want to be for my NEXT husband, who will surely deserve the best from me.) Rediscover things you used to enjoy. Discover new activities or hobbies. Become a vibrant person that would be attractive to anyone, especially yourself. Be someone YOU want to be with.<p>8. Start relating to your W the way you did when things were going well between you or when you met and were first attracted to each other. Be good to yourself, and be confident of your value as a person and a partner. If you and your W were in a singles situation, YOU would be the prize because you have a track record of faithfulness in a relationship. She does not. You only have to watch a couple of those dating shows to see what a deadening effect a cheating past has on a first date.<p>9. If you're having trouble coping, consult your doctor about antidepressants. Many of us who were initially resistant to this idea have found it to be a great help in taking the edge off the pain and helping us to be more productive and focused.<p>10. Make good use of all of your support systems--family, friends, MBers--but be careful about people who pressure you to end the M before you are ready. People who care about you may tend to urge you to get out of the M because they can't stand seeing you in pain, but you, and only you, will know when you have reached that point. Always test any advice you get against your gut instinct, and never make any sudden decisions while in such a crisis situation. Don't make any major decisions without consulting your support system first.<p>Lastly, please stay and allow others to benefit from your experience. Sometimes you are able to help yourself the most when you are able to help others. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]