Well, I found out that he has contacted OW after he sent the no contact letter. Not even 24 hours went by. Plus he lied to me about it. Finally I don't know if it was guilt or what but he came clean. I told him I appreciated him being honest with me but what now? He emailed and she emailed back. She told him how much she loved him and missed him but not to write again. So do I leave it at that or should I urge him to write yet another no contact letter? The first by the way was not by the book he professed his undying love for her and wanted her to save a place in her heart in case he ever got divorced that kind of stuff. So what now? I am telling you I am having a hard time believing that it will end no matter what he tells me. He can't even go 24 hours without breaking his promise!

Unfortunately....this does happen....too many times with too many people.<p>Did you know what the NC letter said before he sent it? You should have....it's more for you than it is for him. It's something that the both of you should have agreed on.<p>For him to tell her to keep a place in her heart for him just in case he gets divorced.......OMG....that sound you hear.....it's my jaw hitting the floor. Your WH has some nerve.<p>This will not stop until he is ready for it to stop. Or unless you finally get to a breaking point....which will happen.<p>Why suggest that he write another one.....he clearly didn't want to write the first one....or he would have done it by the book.<p>I'm not exactly sure how many ways that have to communicate with each other.....but I would ask for access to all those ways.....and if he really wants to make this work...then he will have no problem with that. He NEEDS to understand that this has to happen in order for your marriage to work and recover.

He hasn't read the whole book yet. Said he hadn't gotten to the part about how to end an affair. He had sent it already when he called me and told me to read it. He has changed his password again since then so I can't get in to see what else has been going on. He is just manipulating me and playing me for a fool. I know this but what do I do about it. His boss knows about it and now he knows that I told him so he is aware that he is being watched at work but I am sure this will not help. I am so pissed! Why can't he just tell me the truth and get the hell out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not going to be on this roller coaster anymore. My emotions and this pregnancy can't take it!

lorisue,<p>How I feel for you!
Your husband is being such an [censored].<p>What you need to do at this point is what is good for you and your children....especially with you having one on the way.
This is too much for you to have to deal with while you are pregnant. Your H should realize that. Unfortunately he isn't thinking of anyone but himself.<p>I would suggest that you either go forth with Plan B....only if you KNOW that you can stick with it....or detach yourself from your H and this situation before it has megative effects on you and the health of your unborn child and yourself.<p>Unfotunately I think that your WH is one of those that will not be budged unless he is forced to.<p>Changing PW's......RED FLAG. He's up to something.<p>I'm sorry....but you cannot continue to let him do this to you and your children. It isn't a safe environment for any of you.

lorisue...
Your H's blatant disregard for your feelings continues to astound me.<p>No i dont think another no contact letter like THAT should be written again. Though I can't help believe my wife's no contact phonecall was like that. <p>You know it in your heart if you can go on. It does not sound that he is honest about his intentions. However unfortunately waffeling is common with the WS deeply fogged.<p>I guess I dont have too much contructive advice today, but if you feel this is becoming detrimental to you or your baby I think you should plan B if possible.<p>
-HI

sorry doupleposted<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

I just talked to him and he gave me his password and told me how sorry he was. He says that he is tired of hurting me. (Good we agree on that) He said that he will not contact her again. The contact he made yesterday was to email her a link to a website about "their" movie "Prince of Tides" I have never seen this movie and certainly don't want to know but evidently it is one hell of a love story. Anyway she emailed back after the link and told him she loved him and missed him but not to contact her again. (Like she really means that!) Anyway back to square one. Excuse me for not being elated at his "commintment" to me! More updates later. Hopefully they will start being better.

lorisue...
Well thats a step I guess. Though please dont expect things to get better right away. It is very possible it will get worse before improving. hang in there! We'll be here to compare notes and offer advice. <p>-HI

Just reading this thread and I can relate to your situation. I feel for you lorisue and wish you the best. <p>I just confronted my WW about getting cell phone records and his prompted her admission of two seperate phone calls after the No Contact phone call. <p>Her reason (whatever!) was that she felt it necessary to apologize to him for having used him and that she wanted him to stay away. She said "I wanted to do it my way"<p>I am not sure I can believe this. And just to vent. This all really SUX!!!! I hate the lies and manipulation more than anything. It's like being stabbed repeatedly.<p>I wish u the best in your recovery.

Lorisue,<p>I, too, think you should detach, but I don't think you need to Plan B yet. You can make it clear to your H that in order for you to heal, you need for him to do the extraordinary precautions outlined in SAA, that he needs to do everything in his power to prove to you that he is NOT having contact with OW in order for you to feel secure in the M and work on recovery. Then, leave it at that. Let it go. Let him go. It is then up to him to re-engage you in JOINTLY rebuilding the M.<p>In the unlikely event that he picks up the book, reads it, and applies it, you will be in the recovery business, but if he is like my H, he will promise "anything", but will not walk the walk. In that case, you will need to chart your own course independent of whatever he may or may not be doing.<p>IMO, if he is not proving to your satisfaction that he is having no contact with OW, then you may safely assume he is in contact and the A is ongoing. Even if the A is supposedly over, if he is not following the extraordinary precautions, then he is still disregarding your feelings and not taking responsibility for the pain he inflicted on you and the damage he did to the M. Either way, he will not be ready for recovery.<p>You may want to read Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough. It will help you to see how important it is to let go of your H and any expectations you have of him and the attitude you need to project and how to protect yourself and keep the line of respect solidly in place.<p>Then, you will need to decide on your Plan A. Start with avoiding LBs. It really helps to avoid discussion of the M, the OW, the A, the future, all of that stuff. When you have a reluctant WS, and you try to address any of those, you end up getting hurt because they are not ready to deal with those things in a healing way, so just leave them be for now.<p>If your H will fill out the LB and EN questionnaires, then use that information to formulate a more customized Plan A.<p>Do whatever you can to feel beautiful and upbeat whenever you are around your H. If you have to, think of him as just ONE of your choices. Hold your head up and keep reminding yourself of your value and how fortunate he is that he has the opportunity to have such a wonderful woman in his life.<p>Daniel,<p>I hear the "my way" thing as well, and I have just said that doing it either of our ways brought us to where we are now, and I want to try doing the way others have found successful (MB) for a change.<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Lorisue,
Contact after the no contact letter is pretty common. Not good, but common. And, your H didn't write the right kind of no contact. I mean, he said the opposite of what he should have..."even if I would divorce, you (OW) & I will never be together." <p>My H's A was with a co-worker. No contact wasn't possible, and they didn't work at it either. After the no contact letter, she emailed him a blue streak. So, he soon called her. (Happily I can't remember the time frame...it does begin to fade [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>They still work together sometimes. But, they don't have any personal conversations. She married my H's housemate from when we were separated. Housemate is also a co-worker.<p>My H & I are 21 months into recovery. And 4 years since the PA began...sometimes it takes time, and hard times to work it out. So, just because your H has had contact since the letter, doesn't mean he won't ever get it...but it is another wound for you to bear. The more wounds, the more difficult the healing process.<p>If the OW is saying not to contact her, hopefully that means she getting sick of his behavior as well. <p>Remind him that no contact is no contact, not even links to movie sites. He shouldn't be so stupid (don't say that last part [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] that was just my opinion.)<p>Take good care of you and your kids, and your babe.