Well, guess what? I need to vent again. I'm sure it's a byproduct of Plan A - it's hard, hard, hard. It's days like this that I feel like giving up - or at least shielding myself in Plan B.<p>I know I should try to dwell on this less - that kind of been what I've been telling other people, after all, right? Easier said than done, I guess.<p>Latest situation:<p>- WW is away overseas for about another week. I got one e-mail from her of about 4 sentences. OM got a much longer one, and they've actually started exchanging a couple - this is new.<p>- This is my suspicion: OM has told her that he doesn't want to have a relationship with her until I'm out of the picture. This is something she doesn't want, but maybe now is starting to cave in. I think she will now LIKELY leave after she comes home. This separation from him has been apparently hard on her - withdrawal.<p>- I feel like I'm ready for Plan B emotionally, but have some logistics to do. I feel like I should talk to SH again prior to making such final decisions. Last time we talked, I was kind-of up-beat, and he encouraged me on that. Do we have something like a Plan B checklist anywhere?<p>Okay, so I feel like I have little to lose right now. So maybe I should go back to the idea of contacting OM. I might start with just a simple e-mail, asking if we could talk. Very non-threatening. The idea of talking to him is not my own - both MC and SH mentioned it before. SH thought I should shy away from it - if things were dying off - but I don't think they are now. Even just him knowing I exist is important - he hears NOTHING about me from WW.<p>Another thing. MC told me in my last IC session that WW WAS taken back by my supposed "date". If you recall, I pushed her jealousy button a few weeks ago to see what reaction I got. Apparently, MC was encouraged by her private reaction in her IC session. (It wasn't "oh good, he's okay so I can leave now", it was more based on sadness that I seemed to be moving on.) So MC went so far as to suggest I continue on that track - go ahead and push that button some more.<p>My final thing I'm pondering. Should I e-mail her again and simply ask her if she's okay? She hasn't called (at least when I've been around), and hasn't sent any e-mails since the first. I know she's checking them and has read my 3 messages. I know, I know, I know. She's in a form of withdrawal, and as such acting especially foggy - I pretty much don't exist to her. It might change when she gets home. But I don't know if I'm just putting salt into a wound by trying to contact her. I was thinking of saying something like, "I understand that you're probably having some strong feelings right now, but I'd really appreciate to know if you're okay." - I don't know if that's a LB.<p>I just can't see myself doing this for much longer. I feel like I've lost her, and I'm no longer overly sad, although I am still finding it difficult to think about much else at times. IC and I discussed that fact and are going to work on it. I'm checking in with myself serveral times a day.<p>CarolKH, if you're out there... you had mentioned the concept of a "marriage coach" before - can you provide more info on that?

JR,<p>What was the understanding between the two of you when she left? Did she want contact with you or was she wanting her "space" or was it just left in the air? If there was no specific desire on her part to avoid contact with you, then I think you can safely follow her lead MINUS one. IOW, if she wrote you an Email of 4 sentences that doesn't require an answer, then don't answer. Wait until there are at least 2 Emails from her before you respond. And make sure yours is no more than 2-3 sentences and does not exceed hers in tone.<p>My opinion is no on contacting the OM. I think the time for that is as shown in SAA, where Jon sends a copy of his Plan B letter to Sue to the OM, Greg, along with a note that says, "I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance."<p>Something like that at Plan B initiation is all you need to communicate to OM. Otherwise, I think you're just wasting your time.<p>I just re-read your post, and if you've already sent 3 Emails to her and received only 1 from her in return, then I think the answer is clear.<p>And if she seemed to be responding to a more detached demeanor on your part with some mystery, then pursue that course. Consult Michele Weiner-Davis' books for more info on that type of posturing. It sounds like you should not be pursuing. Try remaining still and see if you can attract her to you instead.<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Conqueror: What was the understanding between the two of you when she left?<p>J.R.: Well, this was actually covered in our last joint MC session. It was for her to call every 2-3 days. And maybe she's tried, I don't know for sure. There've been no messages left, mind you. I don't know if she's using some kind of strange calling card or something, so I don't want to assume too much. In the end, it's the fact that she and OM have exchanged e-mails that bothers me the most - but then again, I'd expect no less. She is an addict after all! (And I'm only getting what I deserve from snooping - although it is proving informative.)<p>As for the pursuer thing... yes, I've back-slid on this a bit. I thought for a while given that she possibly does question my love for her, that it was going too far. But MC's comments do encourage me to resume. Even MC said to me that I have time on my side - something I've known all along, but was good to hear again. And she asked me about "Plan B" too - she's a quick learn anyway.<p>And I'm most intrigued by her jealousy. As I kissed her good-bye, she said, "Don't go on any dates while I'm gone, okay?" Ha ha! Yes, her conscious mind is still mushy for OM, but at least some seeds are planted. Of course, they might not grow until later - which'll be Plan B if I have to go much longer.<p>As for contacting OM... Hmm, I'm so torn here. SH admits it'll make me less attractive, but in some cases, it's something that puts the A on its down-slope. If it's already on the down-slope, though, it just stirs the pot needlessly. Rather than second-guess which slope it's on, maybe I should just sit on it for now. It's not like I can't do it later. Of course, a part of me really, really wants to see this guy's face - and have him see mine. He's supposedly a devout Christian - hmm...

My reactions:<p>If you haven't already e-mailed her a few times, sure, send her a short message: Are you OK? Just thinking about you. Miss you. Love always, J.R.<p>If you think she's gonna move out when she returns - which I don't expect - don't YOU move out first. My logic on this is very simple and others may not agree: Let her make the decision to move out. You still immediately go to Plan B, but the symbolism of HER making the decision will have long term ramifications. She will have the guilt, altjough likely delayed, of making this move. You'll be guilt free. Down the road, you similarly wait for her to file if it comes to that. Same logic. She has to carry the burden of making the decision and you are guilt free - never having to wonder if you shouldn't have done it.<p>I say don't contact OM, but I never had this discussion with SH. Again, maybe wait to see if she moves out, then send the Plan B letter with a copy to OM like in SAA.<p>WAT

WAT: If you think she's gonna move out when she returns - which I don't expect - don't YOU move out first.<p>J.R.: Hmmm... I don't know Dave, I think she is. But then again, I thought she'd love me forever, so what do I know?<p>About moving out... As it says in SAA, if the WS doesn't go, and the time limit is reached, the recommendation is for the BS to go. I know, I know - she should bear guilt. But... the absolute SHOCK of me moving out - would be extreme. The way I see it, if she goes, yes, she's got the guilt to bear. If she doesn't, it's because she's happy to be with me and feast on cake. And that's where the shock comes in - getting the letter the same day I leave - tough love.<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

J.R., I am so sorry that your WW is not responding to you as you would like. I am the BS and on week two of a seven week business trip to the big apple right now. I know that you have proably spoken to SH about being apart while in Plan A. What did he tell you to do? I talked to him prior to leaving home (I am in Plan A) and he said that I could use this as time for myself by telling WH I wanted to use this seven weeks to think without contact (this was more for me than for WH) or I could have as much contact through the phone, cards, e-amil, etc as possible. The thought behind putting things on hold for the seven weeks was to protact me from wondering what he was doing while I was gone thinking he was with the OW everytime I did not hear from him. <p>At least you know that she is not with him. Maybe you should consider cutting off all contact with her from your side until she gets back. Stop sending her e-mails because she is not responding anyway. Let her have a little taste of what it is like not to hear from you. Who knows maybe she will miss hearing from you and start to wonder what you are doing. <p>Just a thought. Hang in there.

JR-
The coach may have been through Divorce Busting -There are books and a website. <p>I read Carol's post as well - great story.<p>Maybe we can all help each other to make strategicall place phone calls etc.<p>HAPPY (???) VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE<p>BS' GOVE YOURSELF A BIGGGGG HUG TODAY!<p>My kids are watching what WH & I do - probably very little. He's sick again (ususal when he is home - usually 1 week per month) [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]