I am new to this as well. I am in a relationship where I have VERY LITTLE trust for my fiance. We have 2 young children together, we have been together for almost 7 years now, and I lost all trust and faith in him 1 1/2 years ago when I found out that he was cheating behing my back (and my kids' too). He was very dirty at how he timed it - we were planning on getting married (and I mean PLANNING where we had everything almost paid for) when he decided he was not happy and left me. He was sneaky in a sense that he would say he was going to such and such a place, and not come home for days on end. He would empty out our bank account because it was HIS SALARY that was in there... he was lying to me. And the worse part of everything is that he lied right to his 4 year old daughter how he still wanted to marry mommy! Well, one day I followed him (after being very sneaky to find certain things out) and when I saw where this woman lived, the next morning at 8am I knocked on her door to tell him I was moving away with the kids, I cared less about furniture, so I was taking everything I could and I was leaving that day. Well, first of all the look on his face was priceless to know I would follow him - let alone knock on her door, but the way everything turned around when he actually came home to find me, my 2 kids, and every piece of clothing we owned and toys gone really woke him up! So, this all happened between the end of August 2000 and October 2000. Then after he begged me to come back, he said she meant nothing and blah blah blah so we started to work things out. Then the lies started (or should I say continued) and he was still seeing her once in a while, and she was calling his cell (which I knew the password to check his voicemail), so Christmas 2000 was hell. It finally completely stopped, and since the Spring of 2001, things I have to say were wonderful. Except that I am still hurt that he was so sneaky - with having the wedding and the wedding shower already planned, I can only help but CONSTANTLY wonder if there will ever be a wedding - AND IF I SHOULD STILL MARRY HIM! Every once in a while I do catch him in a while lie - like one time he went to a strip bar, and he did not tell me - but he knows that I do not mind once in a while. And another time was he cashed in his RRSP to have money to work on a old classis car he bought - yet, this money was placed into an account which I knew nothing about, and that was just this past November 2001. By the new year there was nothing left - and he bought nothing with it. I mean he spent it on stuff - but not what he told me it was for. And when I asked him the first time I found out about the money, he said it was to buy me a new engagement ring. DIDN'T GET THAT EITHER!!! So, I am at a stage now where I feel depressed all the time, sad, hurt, angry, and I often take this all out on the kids which is not fair to them. I do not know what more to do and I have no close friends to talk to about this. Family isn't too good, as they will always side with me, and tell me to leave him. Sometimes I think I am just scared to leave him...

Since you have children with him, you will be dealing with him for life in one way or another, so you don't have the same options that other singles do, i.e. to walk away and never look back (which is what I would do if there were no children involved).<p>However, you certainly do not have to marry him. So far, he is not demonstrating himself to be marriage material, so just don't worry about that right now. He didn't even get you an engagement ring, so I personally wouldn't even consider myself engaged. Whatever you do, do not make the mistake of thinking that marriage will change anything.<p>Concentrate on your and your children's happiness and do not commit to a man you cannot trust. If you want to enjoy what he does have to offer for the time being and for the children's sake, do so, but avoid unrealistic expectations. I think it would be wise to table all marriage plans until you can feel secure that your and your children's lives are safe in his hands, and you really need to be real with yourself about that--no rose-colored glasses. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Needing,
I do understand that this man is the father of your children and you are tied to him through them for a long time. <p>I'm sure you realize that a marriage ceremony won't change his behavior. He could change, but he would have to want to. You've given him a second chance...and additional chances.<p>Right now, or at least in the past 3-4 months, he's been places he hasn't told you, spent money on things you don't know about, lied.<p>You don't trust him, he's not doing anything to earn your trust. I'm not sure why you want to marry him?<p>What is your fear about not being with him about? Finances? No matter what, he's still legally responsible for child support. Were you able to manage the last time you left him?<p>Is he willing to go to counseling, individual or couples?<p>Relationships can survive infidelity, but there comes a time when both people have to work on it. You've waited this long to marry him...I'd advise you to wait a bit longer and see what his behavior is like for the next few months, if you don't see trustworthy behavior, you'll probably have your answer.

Lor is right...he has to really want to change...and only time can tell if he does. I would seek individual therapy to deal with your feelings about the past and cool it on the marriage thing until he proves himself worthy of you.