I read this at the www.divorcebusting.com website.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The tragedy of this situation is that this is the point at which most men finally understand the depth of their wives&#8217; unhappiness and want to make genuine changes in themselves. They are willing to do back flips to keep their marriages/families together. They are finally ready to do the kind of soul-searching that would make having a great marriage possible. But by that point, most women have built an impenetrable wall around them, one that is impervious to men&#8217;s efforts to change. And it&#8217;s divorce, full speed ahead. <p>I&#8217;m convinced if more women knew the truth about divorce, they might not be so quick to dismiss their husband&#8217;s offers to become better people and partners. They might actually stick around long enough to find out if their husbands really mean what they say about changing.
<hr></blockquote><p>Has anyone read the Divorce Remedy book? Does she have any further suggestions other than exposing the wife to the evils of divorce? Thats just not doing it for me. My walls are up and I don't want anything to do with MC or working on the relationship. So besides telling me that divorce is bad, how do you break down the walls?

YES!! she does... she has very clear examples of changes YOU can make for YOU that changes the situation...<p>Yeah... she does sorta go on about the 'evils' of divorce, but her seven-step plan is very good... <p>I liked it better than Divorcebusting because it was more clearly laid out...<p>Cali

Lexxy---<p>Yes I have read it and I have been recommending it here...<p>There is much in there that is similar to MB principals and the book is geared toward BS & WS alike...<p>A lot of it is common sense but that's something that seems to be in short supply on both sides of the fence during an A.<p>I think it is good rerading and well worth the price...it's available at amazon.com<p>Thanks for bringing it up...<p>E

Does it address the Walk-away Wife specifically?
Or is it just the goal setting, and identifying 7 steps?<p>I just can't develop the motivation to work on this. And I really related to that sample of her book -- I just wonder if the extent of her advice to the Walk-away Wife is to say Divorce is sooooo badddddd.

Noooo! Though, she does harp on the divorce being bad bit...<p>My copy of the book is at home... <p>to me it was really a lot like "How One of You Can Keep the Two of You Together." It really focuses on 'solutions' not problems... she doesn't really say to sweep the stuff under the carpet... but basically what good does it do to dwell on it... yeah, you're right... now move on... plus she gives examples on HOW other couples have moved on...<p>I think that is what I liked most about it... that it focused on SOLUTIONS... not problems... <p>Okay... so you feel this way... what can YOU do to STOP feeling that way.... HOW can YOU look at something differently...<p>Cali

Lexxxy,<p>That excerpt is at the end of a 2-page section on the WAW, so it is basically the conclusion. The prior part describes how a woman becomes a WAW, which you and I both already know full well, I'm sure.<p>What I got was that I can try the seven steps, and I started off with the Solution Journal and goal setting and all, and my H agreed (as usual) when I asked for what I wanted in the way she suggests, but then some of the things fell by the wayside a few days later.<p>I'll probably go back to it and make sure I've tried each technique just so I can feel like I've done absolutely everything, but I doubt it will motivate him into any permanent interest in meeting my needs.<p>And I have no idea how you overcome the "just don't care" feeling I have. Do I really want to put in all that effort when I've been putting in effort in one form or another for so many years?<p>For instance, I want to be really kissed. I miss that, but I sure don't care enough about being kissed by him anymore to put any effort forth for that. I figure eventually there will be someone who actually WANTS to kiss me enough to seek it out himself, and I'm content to wait for that rather than keep beating the dead nonkissing horse here.<p>I guess Michele stresses the realities of divorce as a last resort for those of us who simply don't care what the spouse does because it just doesn't matter anymore. My H would have to do so many back-flips for such a sustained period of time, and then I still don't know if I would come out of my fortress or let him in.<p>Then it just boils down to what's best for me and the kids, and so far the scales tip just slightly in favor of staying in the M. I already know the realities of D, and that is the main reason I'm still here. I know it can get a lot worse than it is now.

Lexxxy,<p>I sure don't know what to say. I don't feel I have the same situation as you, though I have had some occasional feelings of indifference. I suppose you could ask the Lord to restore your feelings of love. Beyond that, I don't know. And I am sorry that your marriage has eroded to this point.
However, I did want to tell you that I had a dream about reading a good book and found out that you wrote it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I just posted on someone else's thread that I feel as though I was (in a sense) a Walk-Away Wife. It is so scarey to see it written out on paper - like you read in that site. I read it too a couple of months ago and saw myself written all over it.<p>Can't quite explain how I could have allowed that to happen. I've been coming to a revelation in my life, really as of 1 week and I think I'm beginning to understand it now. It was the strength within myself that was so severely lacking. I was not healthy, emotionally, and expected my H to pick me up as he had always done for 17 years. Well, he was at a turning point in his life - a severe one. He wouldn't let me in and I wasn't emotionally able to stand on my own two feet. I had always had him by my side since I was 16 years old.<p>I started out calm at first, but as time went on, I was yelling and screaming - I was loosing my life - my H. Nothing could penetrate through the wall he built - nothing at all. I eventually gave up and I was so lost. I had no idea how to live on my own (even though he was physically still here). I had no idea how to be a friend to myself. I felt abandoned and crushed. I quit trying and I died inside. Oh, but I could put on a bright face for the public to see. Not a soul knew there was a problem. They continued to compliment us on our M and our life. "You are so lucky", they would say. "Oh, and you look so great, all that weight you have lost!" My H didn't even notice - neither did I. I lost almost 20 pounds during that time. <p>When the OM said all the things he said - I was pulled in like it was candy. I went from the dependency of one to the other. It was as if my self-esteem could only be lifted by others. But once the EA turned PA, here I was again in the murk of disgust. No one could here my cries for help and no one pulled me out of the murk. Not until something made ME do it. <p>Okay, I need to shut up now. I got a bit carried away. I'm pretty passionate about the mess right now. Just thought it could shed some light for you. Don't know, but hope so.

Lexxy,
no, I haven't read the book but I think what you say is interesting: I just can't develop the motivation to work on this.
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it is a choice. But sometime healing must take place before you can choose to get motivated. Maybe the timing is not right to work on the marriage but that doesn't mean the timing is right to get a divorce.<p>The main thing is to realize that divorce papers do not have some majical power to take away the pain - they are not healing. If you are in pain now, you will be in pain after the divorce.
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Yes it is true you can start all over with someone new but you will add a whole new set of new/different problems to add to the old ones. <p>Just so you know, I believe it is ok to get a divorce in some situations. I just don't want people to think the grass will be greener cause it won't, it could be different but not better - it could be worse or if you don't work on you inbetween relationships you may wake up and realize you married the same person with a different name. <p>Just count the costs...<p>I don't know your story - I do hear your pain though and I am sorry. It is your life - you live it. You can take in all the advice or throw it away cause only you have the answers on what to do with your life.

LEXXXY,
I am sorry that i am pushed for time & have not read all the posts -- this triggered a thought -- I have read & see example where people that divorce & re-marry have a worse record of success & it gets worse with each re-marring --statistically.
One explanantion that I believe is true is that we do not learn from our mistakes. It is my perspective that nomatter who is BS or WS -- we all have to work on improving our skills to maintian a good relationship -- no matter who are partner is -- we have a history with curent partner, I want to be sure I do all I can to make it work & improve & determine best principles for it to work -- even if it doesn't work, then I am better prepared for next relationship & do not repeat same mistakes. I don't think we get better in short period of time.
Prayers are with you!
HH

HH...I have read & see example where people that divorce & re-marry have a worse record of success & it gets worse with each re-marring --statistically.<p>One explanantion that I believe is true is that we do not learn from our mistakes. It is my perspective that nomatter who is BS or WS -- we all have to work on improving our skills to maintian a good relationship -- no matter who are partner is -- we have a history with curent partner, I want to be sure I do all I can to make it work & improve & determine best principles for it to work -- even if it doesn't work, then I am better prepared for next relationship & do not repeat same mistakes. <p>snl...This is one of the aspects re human mating I find very interesting. The statistics sound scarey, but they are incomplete. If you are not marriage material (abusive, addictive, obsessive, dependent etc.) you will more likely become divorced (either your choice, or by your spouse)...so the pool of divorced folks, who continue on the remarry (cause that is how people prefer to live, and our society promotes it as well) gaurantees a higher failure rate (cause the people who got it right, and married the right person, don't get divorced)....<p>However, if you in fact learned your lessons in your first failed marriage, and apply that knowledge in selecting a 2nd mate, your chances of a stable marriage are far higher than folks going in the first time....for the second marriage statistics to mean anything useful, you have to factor in the "growth" factor each took with them from the first marriage. If indeed you ran away from the first marriage with little or no effort to understand yourself, your spouse, and marital dynamics you have almost self-selected yourself as failure material...humans are pattern creatures, and unless you replaced your pattern, you are most likely to repeat it, and marry a person similar to the one you failed with (or yourself be the person who continues to "fail" someone else).<p>It is not that divorce, or marriage are good or bad in themselves, these are nothing more than labels describing our legal status (mostly for economic reasons, and to assign responsibility for children), it is the dynamics of the pairbond that counts. IMO the only real measureable criteria for assessing the actual worth of a particular pairbond is the emotional/psychological health of the participants. When it is clear one or both are not being nurtured properly, that should be reason to enter into the process of determining why, and whether this particular pairing is ever going to be sufficiently nurturing to justify expending the resources to make it work...vs readjusting the relationship to the level it can actually support. Since most (of us) are not content with just being freinds or roomates in a marriage, that often means divorce, cause the standard is high, yet it is so often accompanied with dislike and hard feelings. IMO any divorce that does not end up with the folks being fairly good friends validates it was not a good marriage in the first place, it was a dependentcy and/or possession (the mildest form being a contractural you meet my ens I will meet yours) based relationship.<p>I do agree with ya HH (as do most here I assume), human relationships are confusing and complicated enough that there is value in not jumping ship to precipitiously, working at the marriage, working at yourself (especially when kids factored in as well), and if one does that I do think people can and will continue on in their lives (divorced/remarry, or reconcilled) quite successfully.