Well the kids and I moved out February 2. It was a sad day, but I've been keeping busy since. My H has felt the need to talk to me all but 2 days of this time. I have made it clear to him that I am trying to separate emotionally from him (it's what he WANTED after all), yet he doesn't seem to understand it. He finds all kinds of STUPID reasons to call me. I've done everything short of being mean; yet he still calls. Last night he left a message for me to call him when I got home. I called and ask what he needed. He said "nothin." I said "no really, what did you need." He says "wanna come over and have sex?" I said "we've talked about this; I want someone who wants ALL of me, not just sex." Then I told him I was meeting a friend for dinner. I left and met with a very nice Christian man who's in the same shoes as me; getting a divorce, etc. I had a great time. <p>This morning, my H calls me at work. He proceeds to ask me WHO I went out with, WHY I didn't tell him it was a man. He said "I can't believe you waited all of 10 days before you went out with someone!" I said "H, it's been almost exactly 1 year since you said "I'm not in love with you anymore", THAT's how long I waited...." I told him again that I need to be with someone who wants all of me, and that's not what he wants. He says "you don't know everything!" Then he says "maybe we can sit down and have a long talk sometime soon." I say "well, I've said all I want to say, but if you've got some things to say, I'll sit down with you."<p>Then in the next breath, he asks me where things are with the D??????????<p>Anyway, I'm feeling in control, finally NOT ready to settle for anything less than what I need from him. <p>I pray for everyone here on a daily basis!!<p>PEACE,<p>MOM [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: Myownme ]</p>

MoM<p>You go girl... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>E

YEA MOM!!!!!!<p>God Bless!<p>K

((((((( Myownme )))))))))
I think about you often and pray that your H sees the light. Hang in there [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Myownme,
WARNING: A little been-there-done-that coming your way.<p>I know you are in the process of divorce...still you aren't divorced and you had a date. OK if you are absolutely sure that you would NEVER want your H, even if he stopped the A, stopped the D, did Plan A to you and became the H you want in your dreams. If you have any hopes of reconciling with your H, dating just isn't a good idea.<p>If you know my story, I did begin dating a "good friend" at the point where my H had left me again and I served the D papers. My H did have a complete change of heart and I very nearly didn't give him this 7th chance that has turned into 21 months of recovery. I wanted to keep the new guy instead. Certainly if I hadn't been a MBer for over a year at that point, I may have done just that, and missed getting my marriage & family back together. I also hurt the OM and he still swings by to see me at work once in awhile, at which point I have to be accountable to my H, like any other WS.<p>And, I'm a nice Christian myself...so don't tell me about that.<p>It's your life and your next move, just be careful with your heart. Anybody can seem nice after dealing with a fence-sitting, waffling WS.

hugs MOM... <p>way2go on the moving on part... but I'd side w/ Lor 'bout 'dating.' It is WAY too easy to get caught up emotionally... and when you've needed someone to listen to you for so long you're like a desert.... DRY!!!! waitin' to soak up some good stuff...<p>just be careful... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugs and prayers...
Cali

Wow MOM,<p>Stay strong and don't give in to emotional manipulation. It sounds like H is really having second thoughts - predictable, huh. He gets what he wanted and now maybe does not want it after all. <p>I am SO glad that you are in control of your feelings. You are going to be OK. You can do this. You may have already moved beyond your H. This may be living proof of the old saying, "Be careful what you ask for. You just may get it."<p>Take care,
Estes

From the MB Newsletter:<p>============================================
2. Just A Thought...
by Steven W. Harley, M.S.
============================================<p>You are married until you are divorced.<p>Separation is a state of marriage.<p>Just a thought...<p>Yep, MOM, I'm sending you a cyberspanking for dating [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dump the dates, and invest in CallerID. Don't answer the phone when your H calls, and start going out with the girls. Don't tell him what you are doing - its not his business. He doesn't get to force you to separate, AND get to act like your husband!

Amazing how they never like the natural consequences of their behavior! LOL! You know they really get used to eating two cupcakes when we Plan A for too long. Separation can be quite a shock with BS no longer meeting any of their needs.<p>Time and patience. Personal growth and healing. Independence and rebuilding your self esteem. Mystery and confidence. AND.........NO MORE DATES! Listen to Lor! Keep up the good work and be good to MoM!

Hmmm... let me play devil's advocate for one moment... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The whole dating thing - I agree it's probably dangerous. But is it dangerous to get out and socialize with others in general? I think it's a great way to get out of pain. I'm starting to participate in a hiking group - yes, mainly singles, but hey - I may need to play the part some day [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . In a group setting, you get exposure to fun from both sexes in a non-threatening kind of way.<p>Now here's something that I personally envision... kind of evil... hope WW isn't reading... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Find myself some female friends - honestly - just friends. In fact, friends who're willing to work WITH me. Kind of like CarolKH's marriage coach. I know WW's weak spots - this is one of them (i.e. jealousy)!

Thanks everyone. I do agree. I'm not ready to date. Just needed a night out with a NICE person. I am not going to see him again. My H talked to me tonight. Grilled me a bunch more. I know in my heart he is not the man I married anymore. He actually said "if I had told you I was confused and needed time alone (meaning with OW, of course) to figure things out, what would you have said?" He's a mess people. Even when he's figured it out, I've realized over the last year that he would need to be CHANGED. I can't ask someone to change for me; it's not fair. He has to want those changes for himself. However, on the flip side, I don't have to be married to someone that isn't/can't be who I need in my life. When I was talking to him tonight, I was crying again and I told him "I JUST WANT TO STOP HURTING!!! And when I talk to you, I HURT!! That's why I don't want to talk to you!!!" <p>Anyway, all of your advice is very much appreciated. I am going it alone (with the kids and lots of FEMALE friends) until this is all over.<p>Love you all!!<p>MOM

Hi Mom,<p>You sound much stronger and healthier. As for the dating issue, you have already had many opinions. I won't add mine right now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Don't return all his calls if you are in plan B. He can find another way to communicate with you. Maybe you can send e-mails to respond. He is finding out that you did meet his needs and now he is upset that you are not there for him?!?!?! Hm......... let him ponder and stew in his decision. <p>He will and has tried to pull you back on that roller coaster. You are now in a better position to control whether you choose to go on that ride or not. <p>Hugz,
L.

Hi MOM,<p>You sound so much better. I am glad for you. Keep in mind, there will still be ups and downs--but, I think you will find it gets easier.<p>Wish we all lived closer...it is hard going through this. Oh well, we do have this forum at least. Take Care Pat

MoM,<p>I am so proud of you! I don't know whether I am 'allowed' to say that (it is sort of parental sounding and I don't mean to sound like that at all). You are doing so well!<p>Keep up the good work.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

I have to chip in here,<p>I understand exactly where you are at MOM. I've been seperated for almost 4 months now. I had my first date Tuesday. W freaked out. The same woman that has been lieing, sneaking around, and telling me to move on with my life. She even went as far as to tell me who I should hook up with less than two weeks ago. Now, I'm an inconsiderate a-hole. <p>I know I'll probably catch a lot of grief for this because I'm not living by the MB book but I'm finally off my knees and back on my feet. I'm not going to get hurt like that again. The person I went out with does not match up very well with me but it was so nice just to sit and talk with someone that treated me like a human being. <p>Anyways, just wanted you to know you're not alone.<p>
who

MOM-whew!<p>J. R.--my church has a singles group, and during the last separation the leader, a guy, invited me to go...hiking [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . We see this guy both at church and he's very good friends with our good friends...H asked me at a party this past Xmas, "Did B ever ask you out?" I don't know that B actually did more than invite me to a group hike, but if I had gone, I think he would have asked me out. So, now it is awkward, not unmanagably so, but... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>And, these female "friends" you are going to have to make your W jealous...married? single? It's playing with fire, even if you don't think you are attracted...that is how relationships/affairs start. You won't feel the same about reconciling with your W.<p>Whothehellisshe--I'm sticking with married people, meaning those not divorced, shouldn't date. Certainly, if my H & I hadn't reconciled after my relationship with the OM, I might feel differently, I might feel I hadn't done anything wrong, but I KNOW what havoc it created in our recovery. And...I really care far more for the OM than I intended to. There are more ways than having a WS to get hurt or cause pain to an OP and dating while you are married and unavailable is one of them.

Lor,<p>I hear you loud and clear. My walls are pretty thick right now. I just refuse to go to my knees again. Maybe I should check out your story a little closer to prevent that. My problem, like MOM's, is that my spouse is messed up and doesn't know what she wants. The M has real problems that she will not address. I see no hope of recovery.<p>Thanks for the advice, I am struggling with right and wrong which probably means it's not right.<p>
who

Whothe,
I'm not advising you go to your knees. I know how great a new person can make you feel. But it is a "high" that may have unforeseen consequences, and that is what I am saying. Shoot, you and any other dating BS can do whatever you want. I had warnings from other posters that I needed to be careful. I thought I knew what I was doing.<p>My situation appeared quite hopeless. H 18 month PA with a co-worker--whom he still works with. He left me 2 more times after the PA was over, but contact, email for certain, continued into our 7th separation.<p>I've been told here on MB that my serving D papers and "moving on" with an OM was justified. There was no reason to think my H would get it together. Then he did. I can't explain how irritating, dumbfounding, frustrating it was for me to have done an 18 month Plan A...give it up & want out, meet someone new & appealing, THEN for my H to want the marriage. <p>I still have difficulty professing proper remorse for that relationship. I'm sorry I hurt my H and the OM and I do think what I did was wrong, I should have waited until the D...because now, I'm a bad example here [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . I don't feel like my actions were honorable. I regret them.<p>Like I always say, you can't change the past, all you can do is move forward in the best possible way.

Lor,<p>OK, not 5 minutes ago W dropped daughter off and asked to use restroom. I know she was looking around in there and then came out and I happened to look up while she was going through my wallet (guess what she was looking for?). I asked her what she was looking for. At first she denied she was looking through my wallet then admitted it. She got really defensive and started with the accusations and tantrums. For my part, I just said I understood because I've been there and done that myself. I told her I would be honest if she had any questions. More tantrums and insults.<p>OK, here's my thoughts and question. I think she is either trying to get dirt to make me look bad or build a case for the D. Another part of me says she might really be scared the M is over. I don't think she ever thought I would "leave". I do not want to try again just because she is afraid. That won't work in the long run and all I will have accomplished is reinforcing that she can throw a tantrum and get what she wants. So, how did you know when it was REAL? And answer this one honestly, IF you never would have dated someone else do you think your H would have ever come around? <p>I'm struggling today. I never expected this kind of reaction.<p>who<p>
MOM, sorry if we hijacked your thread. We can move it to another if you'd like.

Hey guys, this was my thread! Just kidding. My H is coming to see our children (and me) for Valentine's Day. Given the events of yesterday, I've chosen to be elsewhere. Below is a letter I'll be leaving at the house for him. It's truly how I feel. I pray for all of you and your marriages each and every day. Read the letter, let me know your thoughts...<p>H,<p>I apologize for not being here tonight. After yesterday, I thought it best that we didn't see each other. I know you can get through the bills without my help. Please leave both insurance bills and a check for me and I'll take care of those.<p>This letter is probably a long time in coming, but there are some things that I must say to you.
First and foremost, I do love you. How could I not love you after all the years we've spent together. However, I think it was you who said once that we are great as friends, but not so great in the marriage department. I now firmly believe that this is true. We are two very different people, who came together for all the wrong reasons. We have never treated each other the way that we, ourselves, need to be treated to be happy.<p>You may not understand this, but there have been a lot of internal changes in me over the last several months. The biggest change is that I want GOD directing my life. I'm trying to put GOD first, and of course I am new at it, so I tend to screw it up every day. Part of putting God first in my life, is that the man I am with needs to do the same thing. I have learned over the last year that I have no right to expect you to change for me. I've also learned that while I can't expect you to change for me, I do have a right to be with someone who possesses the qualities I need to be happy (as do you). I would absolutely LOVE it if you wanted to put God first in your life, but that's a personal decision for you to make. It's not one that you should make "just to keep me in your life." <p>There are so many things that I love about you. Unfortunately, there are many things about you that I no longer want to be a part of my life. I KNOW that you feel the same about me.<p>I desperately want for us to be friends&#8230;.someday. Today is not that day. We will always be a part of each other's lives, because we share 3 wonderful children together. However, I am in too much pain right now to even consider a continuing friendship with you.<p>I want for both of us to be happy. I think time will heal all the wounds we've given each other; the key word being TIME. Please give me (and yourself) some time to heal. No phone calls, no visits. Of course if there's anything important regarding the kids or the house, we'll talk, but aside from that, let's have some true time apart. I'll be by the house at 9:30 a.m. on the 28th and we can go to the closing together if you want to (if you can get me the address off the letter we got, I'll get directions). I'll keep you updated on the progress of the divorce papers via voicemail.<p>I love you and I wish you all the happiness you deserve. Please feel the same for me.<p>
So, folks, that's all.....<p>PEACE,
MOM