Hi all dont know if its V day doing it or just me feeling down.
We are supposed to be in plan B but H has been around a couple of times as our Son had a road accident and wrecked his car and H has been sorting it out.<p>I have been so good not texting or ringing H at all untill this happened, by the way thank goodness my Son wasent hurt.
Anyway for some reason today i ask H how he saw our M.
He looked kind of blank, so i said well do you see it as over in your eyes, still the blank look then he says well you threw me out.<p>Did not bother to explain why yet again!!!
So i said why cant you just tell me where i stand,
he just sits with the pained expression that im so used to these days (like im boring the as* off him).
So i said now you have met OW kids that must mean you know what your plans are, you dont just do that for the fun of it???<p>He just sit there with that deadpan expression and says nothing.
Then suprise suprise its time to go, and im left feeling like poo yet again.<p>This week he has V day and OW birthday the next day, so he is all wrapped up in romance.
While i yet again have a big fat nothing!!!
How can he be so cold, all these years we have been together and suddenly im just not worth the time of day.<p>I looked at him today and i realised he is so arrogant.
I now think he is waiting for me to end us completely, so he can say i threw him out and i ended the marriage so maybe he dosent look bad.<p>I truely think he can see no wrong in what he is doing, how sad is that??
Both our kids are upset and have lost all respect for him, both my family and H family are upset.
But he is doing what he wants and to h*** with us all.<p>How can you fight to save a M against that.
Liz<p> [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Lizzle,
It's really tough to Plan B with kids. There are times you must talk, and once talking, up comes relationship talk.<p>He might be waiting for you to end your marriage. Don't do it unless you want a divorce, because the likilhood is that you will get the divorce. When I served the D papers, I just wanted out, I wanted the in and out separations to be done and I was willing to burn bridges to do it.<p>Then my H wanted the marriage. And I thought like you are, he just wanted to say that I was the one to end it, when he had finally gotten his head together.<p>For us, we got the recovery. But I remember very well thinking I'd go through with the divorce, heck, I'd be the bad guy. But I was very angry at the thought.<p>Your lovebank is draining, I see it in your post. If you want to preserve any love for your H, talk as you need about the kids, be cordial, but don't ask him questions about your marriage or his situation...toughen up your Plan B.<p>I'm sorry you are at such a crummy stage.

Find CarolKH's story. If you run a search with CarolKH in this category, it comes up as the first thing, something like: CarolKH-Can you elaborate on your story?

Hi Lor thankyou for your reply and yes plan B is hard when you have kids together.
Although i must be honest im finding it hard full stop.
I know i have got to do this, as it was H was just having his cake and eating it and there was no reason for him to make a decision, well unless OW started making a fuss about him moving in!!!<p>Hi conqueror i had read carolKH thread and was amazed by it, part of reason for me to try and stay away from H and just let go.
maybe he will get to miss us, but if he dosent then i know i have done all i can to save this marriage.
Liz

Once again, it is the me, me, me,!!! Just look at what my H SNL does on the boards. Why can't we have friends of the opposite sex? It is 1/2 of the world? What about in-love, one-flesh, etc. <p>The WS does not care about family, SNL cursed at me a lot during the time he was still conversing with the OW. I couldn't do anything right, he would yell at me, call me bi*ch, liar, etc. Say I am crazy. He yelled at the kids, told them to get the h*ll out of here, they are just using him. Etc. <p>The WS have the control from the beginning, and when things start to get out of their hands, they get utterly upset. They are losing control. The WS, as I was told, is the more aggressive controlling preson. Look at SNL OW, this being her second affair, she controlled the situation at home, she doesn't work, spends hours on end on the phone, does this or that to use up her time, she controlled SNL sex with her, she wanted to go to the hotel, and of course SNL wanted it to, but I was told the WS is a controller, and the BS is the one who is more timid.<p>The WS atmosphere is so unhealthy, I wish SNL would of gotten out of the house when Jennifer Harley told him to get out. For 4or5 more months we had to face his ballistic actions, talking to his OW on the phone, even on our sons senior prom, caught husband saying he had to go to the bathroom, cause he had diarrhea. I opened the door on him, and there he was talking to the OW. I asked him point blank, and he said yes, they don't care whose special day it is, they don't care about feelings, they don't care about family, they don't care about anything, but what is feeling good for them. <p>It is not easy, and I will tell you from my stand point, it is still not easy. SNL does not show remorse and guilt for his affair. It is stated by him as meant to be. Whatever, that fills his vocabulary. Good luck.

Lizzle,
I am not sure if you've seen this. i post it often:<p>I call this the emotional divorce. I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
I am sorry you are here. I know you are hurting. Of course it is easier said than done. Your only human - don't be so hard on yourself.

Hi Thinker thanx for your reply, i must admit i agree with you one 100% about the WS being selfish.
My H has become so wrapped up in his own life that he really does not care how any of us are feeling.
He is going to do what he wants at all costs, our 16 year old DD is a heroin addict and has so many problems im trying to sort alone.
This man who is her father looks at her as just another junkie!!! how sad is that.
Also this has had a real effect on our 18 year old son, he feels his world has fallen down around his ears.
But H just cant or wont see it, when we separated i asked H so many times to sit them down and talk to them, but would he no i may as well have been asking for the moon.<p>Hi Luv thankyou so much for that post, it has some really good points, i will try hard to stick to.
Gosh i thought i had suffered a long time but reading your sig line all i can say is i take my hat off to you, wow you have stayed the course that gives a lot of encouragement alone.
Take care.
Liz