Hey everyone. New to this board and to SAA. Brief history is I discovered A Feb 10/02 WW has sworn to stop seeing him, has issued No Contact phone call. <p>My problems of late are that now - reading SAA I am recognizing LBs, and find myself doing it alot or at least think I am. <p>My wife has had contact of OM through her work, so everytime she goes I become suspiscious, wary, even freaky. I catch myself wanting to phone her every 5 seconds to check up and when I do I ask questions that sound suspiscious and nagging. I think this is LBing, right? I know it feels bad when the conversations happen.<p>Today I phoned and confronted her about a phone text message I had recieved (I have our old cell phone, she has new one.) The msg was innocent enough, it is not the OM but this other guy friend asked her to dinner. At any rate, long story short, she keeps getting more and more irritated by the questions, but I feel I had the right to ask and get a rational answer as to who he is. <p>I know she is growing tired of having to explain her every move to me, e.t.c... Today on the phone she angrily said "a day can't go by without dealing with this huh?" While I feel justified I also understand her frustration. <p> Seems like I am making withdrawals, but maybe it's just that I need honesty at all cost? I dunno, confused as hell over this. <p>I should add that she insists that we should work it out, and has insisted her honesty about the end of A and the OM is genuine, but almost daily I find out new things that she has been keeping from me. Most recent discovery was two phone conversations with OM - one moments before the "no contact" call, one a few days later while she was visitting relatives for a function. <p>Anything you guys can do to help would be appreciated. Thankyou in advance

Dear Danielsan<p>This site does wonders in giving people some sort of plan and strategy for dealing with issues that are deep and painful..
While some see the "techniques" as making them doormats others see their value in assisting a person to stay somewhat focused where emotions would overtake us and cause havoc on our souls..<p>You want to feel like you can trust her...
You want her to acknowledge how deeply she has hurt you..
Unfortunately what you are doing will lead to none of your desired results..and so in the end what you are doing really hurts you...
Your D day is really really recent...
The fact that your wife wants to work on things is more than half the battle..and certainly this being so new it is new territory for both of you...
Danielsan the more you can approach recovery in a compassionate way the easier it will be for you..not to deny your negative feelings of hurt and rage...or to sweep them away...but if you attempt to get reconcilliation on those emotions from your wife at this point all you will get are shallow empty "ok I am sorry..how many times can I say it...just get over it"..type of aplogies...which are even more hurtful then the bad emotions at times...
Change your statements to "I" statements when you feel vulnerable...let her see the pain through your eyes...try "It makes me really _______ when there are phone text messages based on whats happened...etc...<p>I hope you two are in counseling as that is really a huge tool in working this out and I encourage you to seek out a counselor that is pro-reconcilliation and even one on MB principles is better....<p>The continued contact is a sticky issue..and you two need to discuss in non-accusatory way...the both of you need a plan in no-contact if they work together..and the best way is to work together on that and you to even come to a place where you can comfort her for her loss and her shame...big step.....<p>Your wife messed up BIG TIME....but if you can see way way way down the road where you see the two of you together...that may help letting go of blame...<p>Peace to you and your home Danielsan
ARK