I am a WW....i have hurt my husband in the most unimaginable way and continued to hurt him that i am now just too confused with emotions and guilt...which is why i decided to come join this forum bcos i am crying out for help....
Here is my story.........
I met my husband 2 years ago when he was on a business trip and from the moment we met we KNEW that we found the person of our dreams and hopes and life....we knew that we found our soulmate, the one true light in all the darkness, the ONE. During these 2 years, we were so nauseatingly close that anyone that saw or met us knew that we were made for each other....he became my best friend and my only lover....we've reached levels of sex and passion that i never knew existed!
That was until recently when i messed everything up and took that away from us....My husband had a business trip that took him away for 4 months (he has been on many other business trips prior to this one, the only difference was this was the only trip that i didnt get a chance to go visit him at) and at first i was telling myself that i was used to it and that it was just another business trip. However as time went by i started getting resentful for him leaving and for us not being able to see each other for X'mas or the New Year....so i met R.
We met through work (we are not colleagues) and at first all our contacts were only about work but then i found myself drawn to him emotionally and for 2 months, i started the A and in many ways, i used him to meet my emotional need of having someone with me all the time and i justified the A by reminding myself that i was left alone and that i couldnt see my husband and so on.....the list of reasons seemed endless. R was never a good lover but he was there for me emotionally whenever i was lonely and we developed a friendship, a relationship, going out to the clubs, laughing, hanging out with his friends and it took away the pain of being away from my husband.
During the A, i kept in touch with my husband as much as we could but something was not right bcos i was guilty and the guilt as eating me up inside like a cancer. But i did nothing to stop the A. I just thought that my husband will never find out. Well he did....way before he even came home.
I was lying to him from day one he was back and i was walking on eggshells with him to avoid any conversation about suspicions he's had since, but not until the end of the first week (he's been back 2 weeks today) he admitted to me that he had me followed and that he knew EVERYTHING that i have been doing. With all the strength and courage i could muster, i admitted to the A....something that i could never have done before.
You see, i am a compulsive liar and have been for as long as i can remember. i have what everyone calls 'pattern behaviour'.....every boyfriend i have ever had before i met my husband, i have had an A or two on them and i have never been busted or have felt the need to tell them the truth...i guess i have really met the ONE cos finally all my lies and cheating has caught up with me.
Since the disclosure, my husband and i have been on the MB site trying every possible ways or means to help heal our wounds and that is why i am here today. I need help and i need help bad. Thing is, even after all we went thru these past couple of weeks, i still continued to lie to him and today, we finally got a hold of my phone records and went thru them together and he found that i have still kept in contact with R even whilst he was here. I cannot and will not give any reasons for contacting R bcos that would only mean i want to justify calling him. I am wrong for doing that and by doing so i have added more pain and pushed the knife deeper into my husband's gut.
I do not know what to do and i am calling out for help. Its valentine's day today and all our plans for a lovely evening have been spoilt by my lies. I want to stop this pain and hurt and fear and embarrassment that i have caused us both...but most of all i want to help my husband heal and although i know that the road to healing and recovery is long, painful and narrow, i am willing to take it.....
i do love my husband dearly and i have strayed from that path which we have agreed to take and i do not want that anymore. i want to be happy and have children and have a good life with him. I need to know what i can do to help him and what steps i need to do in order for us to be better than we ever were. I need help from anyone who has anything to contribute to my change of life, for that is the most important thing here....to change my compulsive behaviour or lying and cheating and hurting.
I want a new life with new morals, principles and love. I want my husband, my best friend back again......i just need to know how and what i should or should not be doing now. Please can someone help......

As a husband and BS I wish my wife expressed remorse as you do. You know what you want and the power is in your hands to put this right. Simply stop the lies and give the wounds time to heal. And you might suggest he avoids those marriage breaking business trips.<p>Best of luck.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5016_qa.html<p>Please read this Q&A column by Dr. Harley to hopefully get some insight into your situation.<p>In it, Harley mentions that your spouse is probably right now trying to figure out how much of the marriage is/was true, and how much is/was a lie.<p>I don't think you have the power to "take away your husband's pain" cuz even the recovered betrayed spouses who post here years after their discovery dates, still are trying to find ways to ease their pain!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] In other words, he's not just going to snap out of it, if that's what you are waiting for.<p>Just look at how many "Valentine's Day triggers" posts there are all across these boards... No, unfortunately, the pain of infidelity is not easily forgotten. The scars heal eventually, but nevertheless, they remain. We grow, we learn from mistakes and we move on hopefully, but the triggers remain and we have to learn how to deal with them. It's not what happens to us, but how we take it... Your husband's recovery is all on HIM. Just like he could not control your affair, you cannot control the level of forgiveness he is willing to give.<p>Although I believe that forgiveness isn't forgiveness if it has to be earned. But that's another deep thought for whole different day...<p>I'm not a BS, but an x-OW who is raising an OC. I created a lot of pain in a lot of innocent lives--MMs wife, my child, my family, etc.<p>We just have to make better choices, you know, in order to produce a series of better consequences. And I'm speaking to myself first and foremost... Good luck to you. Prayer is also very effective!<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

p.s.He knew you were a liar. That's why he followed you for a week and said nothing. You didn't respect him so long as you could deceive him. Now that he is ON to you, now you want to stop causing him pain??? How does he know that your remorsefulness is not an ACT? You have to give him something to go by--a better track record, that is.<p>You cannot put a time limit on this. You set this wheel in motion, now you have to wait until it loses its momentum. You are in control. Stop the lies and stop that wheel from turning in the wrong direction. You can do it! Silence cannot be misquoted...

Boy, i just noticed your cry for help. You need to find out why you lie. Get help, but get good help, ok? i can tell you the greatest help is to ask Jesus into your heart, he will forgive you, but the road is long for your healing. it will be about how you grew up, what hurt you, why you lie, god knows the answers, you do too. it is not about fixing your H right now, it is about healing you. period. You want a new life and our lord will give that to you. You must first acknowledge to Him that you are at bottom. you have erred. you must realize that the free gift of salvation is yours. God will restore you, your marriage, your life, and help you to see the light. He alone will carry you, he is an awesome god, full of mercy and compassion, goodness and love. Reach up... that's what i have done. Take one day at a time, find a good church, a good christian counselor and start becoming accountable for your actions. God does indeed love you. It is not the end of the world, just an end to the madness that you've lived with for so long. i understand. you seem ready to make the choice to end the cycle of dysfunctional behavior. <p>G.<p>WS 44 yr
M 18y, together since HS'75
DD 5/01
3 kids, 16,14,11
recovery with god's help.

Compulsive<p>I am moved by your cry for help. Please consider Gardenia's advice and seek God first in your heart. We know from scripture that when we ask Him into our heart we become new creations, old things pass away and all things become new. 2Corinthians 5:13. Let God begin to change the desires of your heart. It is not easy, but it is worthy of all your effort as you give yourself completely to God, who knows more about you than anyone. Nothing is hidden from His eyes. Even with the knowledge of all that we are and all of our failures, God still sent HIS only Son as a sacrifice for my sin. What perfect love and compassion. Truly, He is worthy of our lives.

Seek Christian counselling and actively post here as you need to just vent or express feelings. Many people on this board are in your same shoes. ( Nothing new under the sun as Solomon once said. ) <p>God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. I believe that He is drawing you toward Him today. Ask Christ to come into your life and change you into a tool that is useful for His purpose. He will answer that prayer. May God give you the understanding and wisdom to seek Him in your time of crisis. <p>Guardian<p>Married 17 yrs.
3 Children 15,13, 11
In strong recovery

I used to have that problem in Highschool. I still fight it to this day. Lying is almost addictive because you do it and then ask why did I say that...oh well too late to back out now! What I did was turn my life over to Christ, realizing that was the best start, then everytime, and I mean everytime (even to this day) I have to ask myself is what I am about to say the truth? If it wasn't I kept may mouth shut...it got easier and easier...I am still tempted to, especially being a BS, but I remember that lies do more damage thatn good in the long run.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
<strong>p.s.He knew you were a liar. That's why he followed you for a week and said nothing. You didn't respect him so long as you could deceive him. Now that he is ON to you, now you want to stop causing him pain??? How does he know that your remorsefulness is not an ACT? You have to give him something to go by--a better track record, that is.<p>You cannot put a time limit on this. You set this wheel in motion, now you have to wait until it loses its momentum. You are in control. Stop the lies and stop that wheel from turning in the wrong direction. You can do it! Silence cannot be misquoted...</strong><hr></blockquote>

Compulsive,<p>In my opinion you have been getting great advice. BTDT and Gardenia have both hit many points right on the money. I think you should pay careful attention to what has been said to you.<p>I would like to second what they have said by saying it a bit differently. First, BTDT is absolutely right, you cannot heal your H. One of the hardest things to learn as a spouse or a parent is that we cannot heal the ones we love the most and have hurt. They must do it.<p>HOWEVER, you can help your H heal very much like changing dressings on a wound. The new dressing must be sterile and properly applied. You must now provide an atmosphere that is conducive to your H's healing. In your case, your contact with OM must stop NOW. The recovery of trust will take a minimum of 6 months but probably 2 years or more. AFTER YOU STOP LYING.<p>So with the thought of making the situation conducive for healing what can you do??? First, get some serious counceling for you situation. Given that you have lied and cheated on every male that you have come close to, and probably many of your female friends, you need to address this first. Your marriage has no chance unless you can stop the lying, and even when you do it will be an uphill battle.<p>Second, do some reading here about marriage building, His Needs Her Needs is a good place to start reading.<p>Third, give your H plenty of time and patience. He has been away for awhile knowing all along that you have been lying to him and cheating on him. Can you imagine knowing about this and not being in a position to do anything about it???<p>Fourth, talk and communicate with your H in very honest ways. For you the concept of "radical honesty" that Harley promotes will be the most difficult, but it is one that you will need to practice. I would recommend rather than doing it verbally that you do it with writing. Often when words are put to paper, it is easier to say the honest thing with care, than lie carelessly verbally.<p>Finally, realize that your H has only known for a short time. The healing of your marriage is likely to take longer than you two have currently been married. View it as a long term project, and view the changes you make as permenate whether this marriage lasts or not.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and advice....however, as many of you know, right now all they are are just words and i will heed some of them but i am still lost and alone with this which is why admittedly i look forward to any replies that i might get.
My H has just broken the news to me now that he has had it and that he cannot live with the lies and the deceit that i have put him through and that although this site and many of your situations and advice, even Dr Harley's book on 'Surviving an Affair', has given him some form of calm, he cannot rid himself of the images and triggers that come to him in his dreams or when he is alone. I cannot help him and i feel utterly helpless. We are in tremendous pain and i do not want him to leave me....but i dont know what else i can do to make him stay for every thing i say or do now does not seem relevant anymore. And he has every right not to trust me. It scares us too cos many of you who have gone through this took YEARS of trying and are still together...i dont think he can handle this pain for even another 5 minutes.
I cannot make promises nor can i say anything now that will help in the healing process for nothing i say has any weight anymore.
We have discussed relocation and i am so willing to do that even if it means i go back to being in debt and depressed. however, at this point of time, it all seems rather bleak....for he is giving up any inkling of hope that might be left.
If i may add, i understand the need for god and faith at a time like this but unfortunately religion really isnt what i need to hear right now. But i sincerely thank you for leting me know that i can turn to god for help.
BinDereDunThat, thank you for your advice and i wish with all my soul that i can find some way, any way to change my track record and start afresh with my H....we need each other now but walking away seems like the easy but painful way out right now.....an option that i am not looking at.
I dont know what to do for this is all new to me, Honesty, Total Love and all that comes with a marriage....perhaps it all stems from my childhood or whatever....i do know that i need to seek professional help and thats what i need right now.....
i hope to hear from anyone right now..... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

JL
BTDT, Gardenia and yourself have been encouraging and i am grateful for that.....i am learning something new every time my H and i have a discussion about this whole affair. I am not used to radical honesty and as you all have so clearly stated to me, i need to stop lying.....and i need to stop it NOW.
Otherwise, all this is for a lost cause.
i must admit that when i first heard of this site, i was very cynical and was not ready to be honest to strangers. But you have turned me around.
i will start with writing to my H everyday what i feel and i will change the dressings on his wounds as often as i can see blood seeping through. i will ensure that i cut ALL ties with anyone and everyone who has had a part to play in my A or has facilitated it ( i have already asked one of my staff to resign bcos of her involvement). I want this to work so bad and i am ready to do anything right now.....is it too late??..i really do thank you and i look forward to your replies....

Complusive,<p>Here is the problem as I see it. Your H has been away from you for 4 months. So separating from you is easy. Even the most dedicated couples needs a few days to weeks to get back in sync when separations of that length take place.<p>Now on top of this there is the affair and your lack of honesty. <p>So what way do you think your H will take? Out the door seems the easiest. It is for the short term but it is not for the long term. This is true for you and it is for him.<p>If I were you, I would encourage him to stay. Not for you but for him. He needs to face this, deal with it, and try to heal from it. If he doesn't the chances of him being a very good H to another woman are greatly diminished because of the unresolved damage.<p>You cannot educate your H, but you can make him some promises that you can keep. If I were running your life, which I am not, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I would tell him to stay with you and I would promise the following things.<p>1. I will talk with you as much as you want about the affair.<p>2. I will be brutally honest with you.<p>3. I will just be a friend if that is what you want right now.<p>4. I will go to counseling.<p>5. I will work on my failures and give you time to heal.<p>6. At 6 months we will reevaluate the situation and then decide what to do with the marriage.<p>I will do this if you will do several things for me.<p>1. Go to counseling to address the damage I have done to you.<p>2. Talk with me honestly but with consideration about how you feel.<p>3. Give it time and patience so see if we can reconnect and you can learn to trust that I am working on my problems.<p>Compulsive, if you truely love your H, you will give him time and patience. If he decides to separate, do your best to maintain contact via email, letters, etc. Not deep things necessarily but daily events in your life. He needs to reconnect to your life as well as deal with the pain of what has happened.<p>You see Compulsive, there is more at stake than just your marriage. I think both of you need to realize this. What is a stake is the rest of your lives either individually or together.<p>If he doesn't address this head on, then he will be emotionally damaged and carry that damage into the next relationship. There are more than a few posters that have had that problem and it hurt their next marriage.<p>If you don't address your issues you have no hope of ever having a loving relationship or marriage. It is really that simple.<p>As a gift to one another, I would recommend that you two try and see if the marriage can be rebuilt. It is the greatest gift either of you can give to yourself.<p>Finally, print out this thread and show it to your H. Have him come and post if he wants to argue about it or if he wants help dealing with this. The people here will try to help him and help you.<p>No one can guarentee that the marriage will make it,but I can guarentee any future relationships will be better if both of you do work on yourselves and your marriage.<p>Personally, I would recommend that you call the Harley's. They are the masters at this.<p>Hope something I said helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: This is all so new. His feelings will go through many changes in the months to come. So will yours.<p>PPS: The dreams your H has seem to be very common and will fade with time. But, it won't matter if he leaves or not the dreams will be there. This is all too new to act on it yet.<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

I just wanted to say that my WH also has a severe problem with lying and acting out his emotions instead of talking about them...i.e, instead of discussing our marriage problems, he cheated on me. He also has a problem with impulse control. Through counselling, we are realizing that he has a severe fear of abandonment issue with death of a father figure, which happened 2 years before we met. He is a people pleaser and ends up lying to try and NOT hurt people, but is FINALLY realizing that he ends up hurting himself and others more. His is also considered patterened behavior, and we are working at the root and trying to uncover everything that has built up through out the years. I lost my mother when I was 10, so I also have fear of abandoment issues, but I went through the grieving process, whereas my WH never did...so it's all still built up in there. So we push away from eachother in an effort to "protect" ourselves. You know, it hurts less if you're doing the "pushing" instead of someone doing it to you!<p>Anyhow, it took the EMA for my WH to realize that he definitely has a "problem" and that he needs help. He is going through counselling, but it is hard to be strong since you never know if he is just trying to "please" me or the counsellor with what he is doing or saying...very confusing.

Hi Compulsive!<p>I am a former WS, and lying has always been my way of life. I wish that I could help take away your pain, but you made an amazing first step towards healing yourself.<p>I know how hard it is to be honest to myself, and when you said that you had never been faithful to anyone, I could totally relate. Same here. <p>It took along time for me to get honest, and sometimes it is still hard today. I have been totally honest about what I have done, but I hadn't gotten honest with me. That is the hard part. We can rationalize and justify anything!<p>Somethings that helped me was just letting go and having faith, I used to tell myself that no one ever died from telling the truth, that helped me. Once you start living honest, it gets harder and harder to lie. It gets hard to live a dishonest life. <p>I can honestly say that for the past year I have been honest, and it is quite a change from the way I used to be. <p>Take Care<p>PJ

Telling the truth for me was something that was never done, My lies almost killed our marrage, i lied about hings that didn't really matter, about things that happened before we were married! 12 years latter i told the truth and that took him moving out, him having an A and the threat of divorce! The pain, the mistrust my husband had for me, I could not help him on, the ONLY thing i could do was to <p>Be honest, it's been almost a year, and we are doing good, we don't disscuss my lies or his affair, I have worked on not lieing, i took an apple off a nieghbors tree and i felt so bad i went and told them and gave her 50cent for it. <p>It helped me when my husband understood that telling the truth was hard for me and we would take it slow. Now when we do talk about something that i want to lie about, i <p>I take a deep breath and say," To be honest ...."That helps me tell the truth, I also tell him , I am finding it hard to talk to you about that and that helps open the door for honsety. Good luck

Compulsive,
You basically have to decide for yourself which road to take. I myself being a BS forgave my spouse because I love her unconditionally not because of any religion. My problem has to do with the images that she has left imbedded in my memory. Will I be able to recover from them? I hope so but I'm not 100% sure. I don't think that any belief except in myself will help me deal with it.
As far as the religous aspect that other people on the forum seems to push...
I tend to be a little cynical when it comes to that. You have to decide for yourself what YOU need to do to help yourself. Accepting "GOD", "JESUS", "THE LORD" into your life won't do you any good if you can't live with yourself. Otherwise it is only an easy excuse to use for past and/or future indiscretions. I think religion can be great for some people but it is not for everyone.
Disclaimer: I myself am not an overly religous person, my WW and her sister are deeply christian but have both been WS's. Two of her brother's(also Christian)have had problems with drugs and lies. So that is where the cynasism comes from. It just makes for convienent excuses, it doesn't reveal the true person inside.

dskef,
Gosh, I'm sorry that oftentimes we have poor examples of Christianity. Sometimes we (Christians) can turn a person off before Jesus Christ has a chance to turn them on. I know I have been guilty of judgmental, overly zealous behavior and then what?! Found myself backslidden and pregnant by a married man! It happens! We're human! We fail! We're flawed! We have to learn humility. Either we learn it or God teaches it to us (God resists the proud). Either we humble ourselves, or our own judgmental attitudes cause circumstances to force the lessons on us. I'm so happy that you forgave your wife and you could rise above her sins, she is very fortunate. Please don't blame the failures of God's people on God. Please! It's just not fair to God, IMO.<p>You know, before I got involved with a married man, I used to think (JUDGE OTHERS) to myself, saying, "How could ANYONE commit adultery????"<p>Guess what?! Now I don't have to ask that question anymore. Now, I know firsthand. Now, I can quietly mind my own business. And now, I believe I'm a better Christian for it. The only problem is that now, my credibility is shot in some eyes and they, like you, are cynical regarding my personal relationship with God. I have been asked the very question you brought up--on these boards--how can I live with myself after what I have done in my past?<p>Well, I'll tell you. I learned about God's unconditional love because when I found myself in dire circumstances, He's the only one who really cares. He doesn't need time and patience in order to get around to forgiving me. It's not something God needs to work toward or build up to. Jesus already paid the price for humanity's sins, past, present, and future, when He shed His blood and died on that cross thousands of years ago. All I had to do is RECEIVE the gift. And what a gift...<p>Standing on the corner singing Kumbaya is not going to change compulsiveliarww's habits, she has to have a change of heart!<p>Sometimes we need to be broken down and emptied of ourselves (what we want, what we think & what we feel) in order to make room for God and HIS plans for our lives. At least, that's what happened to me. I was hard-headed... & hard-hearted...<p>That's all we are trying to convince compulsiveliarww to do--make right choices and ask God for help. That's all. No pushing, no shoving, just gentle nudges...<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

compulsiveliarww, since your BS is not at that place of unconditional love and forgiveness, then you should really take Just Learning's advice to the tee. Especially the part about giving your H time and patience to deal with his pain the way he sees fit.<p>There is nothing you can do to get patience except to WAIT. In the meantime, you can reassure him by becoming a woman of your word. Once you give your word (a promise), then either keep it or die trying to keep it.<p>If he still leaves you, then oh well, at least you will have more character than you did before. So the outcome will not be complete, but you will be a more complete person and not fragmented by lies.

JL
I cant thank you enough for what you have said in your last post. I didnt print it out but my H and i did sit down and we went through your points together.....Jeez....thank you so much bcos he asked questions that have been eating him up for the longest time about the A esp the sexual elements of the A. He asked the right questions bcos i would never have volunteered them.... I feel much better for it even though i know that what i disclosed to him left him vivid images. We talked about how dirty this has made us both feel and i want to ask....how do you rekindle the passion and lovemaking with your H after all this?
My H and i have always had the best lovemaking sessions and there has never been anyone who can ever match up to him...this affair was fulfilling an EN and not for the sex.
Now with regards to all of you who feel strongly about having god in your lives at a time like this, please understand that i do not shun that or shrug the fact of having a higher force to turn to....but this is my take on religion playing a part in our lives when push comes to shove......
i was born and raised a Catholic, went to a convent school for 10 years before college and it has been proven that convent girls are the most promiscuous of the lot, short of a few good Catholic girls of course. So how could i turn to god now when i was raised learning about pre-marital sex and have been put the fear of god in me growing up? i dont doubt anything that god has to offer right now....he definitely is a good listener....but i would rather listen to any one of you here bcos so far, your good advice and your take on affairs have been keeping me on the right path towards finding myself.

Compulsive,<p>How do you think all of these people came to be here for you??? They are telling you, it was through their faith in God. You may not see the direct connection, but the indirect one is obvious. The very people that are helping you are able to because of their faith.<p>Interesting isn't it???<p>I understand your rejection of religion in a formal sense, based on your education and experience, but you will find as you get older that what you learned in your schooling will help you. It has for many people here.<p>So whether you realize it or not, the God you learned about in school is helping you now, through these people. Perhaps a little time and contemplation will help you clear your mind and focus on what you need to do to help a very very hurt human being. Your H.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: I think the passion will come after you can demonstrate care, love, and trust. I am guessing but I think you affair had a lot to do with the fact that you didn't trust your H's love for you. You were selfish and you didn't trust. You are seeing the consequences of that lack of trust. Why? didn't you trust him? You didn't trust yourself. Compulsive, your lying has hurt you more than anyone, it has undermined your own self worth. So to try to answer your question, the passion comes AFTER you have addressed these other issues. Just plain sex, may come sooner.<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>