I guess the title says it.<p>I've been feeling kinda neglected of late and I tend to respond to that with distance (W says I've been very "moody", which I guess is right).<p>I've tried to set my expectations very low. I forgot I had a meeting this evening (BSA training, geez, who would schedule the only training session of the year on V-Day????). Fortunately, I must've told W about it a while ago, so she was not surprised, or upset by it.<p>V-Day has always been a very one-sided day from my POV. Typically, I'd get her a card and flowers (sometimes + candy, balloons) ... and she'd say thanks. Maybe things would lead somewhere at bedtime... never could tell. But, it all seemed very transactional. Not a day to just say "I love you". She never seemed to put forth an effort to make such a statement and maybe she didn't believe my statement either. Sigh...<p>After all the comments here last week, I've tried to forget the past and keep in mind the good connections we've made NOW. So, I guess we're lately 2 for 2. She "remembered" our anniversary in Dec. (did something very thoughtful) and was very thoughtful this morning for V-day. <p>We both laughed at the radio personalities insisting that what men most want on V-Day is....DINNER???? Wow. What a recipe for disaster. Can we really believe anything MEN tell pollsters after this?<p>So... V-day has been nice so far. I hope there are at least a few others with nice experiences. <p>Y'all might find this amusing. My backup plan for this evening is to curl up with Tolstoy- Anna Karenina. For those who aren't familiar - it's essentially the MB forums in book form, written 100 years ago. <p>Jeffers

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>I have been so unsure of this day... what to do... and, like you, I have tried... am trying to keep my expectations very low...<p>Additionally, I am (hopefully) respecting his needs and wants and NOT overwhelming him w/ a lot of mushy love stuff... <p>He has always been a reluctant V-day person... saying that it is just a way for "Hallmark" to make money... <p>I have a couple of cards... nothing mushy... the one I like best just says that I am glad he is the one that I have laughed with... gone through good times with and struggled through hard times with...<p>I guess the important thing to hang on to is that we are still together through this struggle ...<p>Cali

Cali,<p>These "romantic" days have always scared me. I think because they're too important. Too easy to be "crabby" and have that come out as your "statement" on the status of the relationship. There always seemed to be more potential downside, especially during times when we weren't acting in a particularly caring manner towards each other.<p>I tend to agree with the statement about Hallmark. I tried to use that excuse too. However, I say instead that a card should represent your thoughts, not Hallmark's. I like to get mostly blank cards and write in my own stuff. Though, when I do the same thing on construction paper it can be thought that I just "forgot" and was trying to make a last minute recovery.<p>Funny comment-- Hallmark is supposed to have a new line of cards for those in love/hate relationships. "Be my Valentine, even though you forgot my Birthday." etc... They're supposed to be good for "today's" couples. <p>I don't know if I'll ever successfully conquer this expectation stuff. If I have low expectations, then I'm unhappy when I'm proved right. I guess I'm making predictions.... not having expectations. <p>... and then, there's the whole coercion thing. "O.K. I filled my role, now it's your turn." <p>Like you, I'm trying to "be my best" today ...defined in her terms.<p>Struggle... , yeah, it's always been a struggle. Not just now. I guess now we're understanding why we struggle with one another, and it seems to be changing. Funny, now that we know, I'm finding it's harder to do it (fight/struggle). Now that I see it happening and know why... to continue I have to do it intentionally. I can't do that to someone intentionally. It's easier to stop.<p>Where we are now is not where we're going to stay- and I assume that you feel the same way. Marriage is about adaptation. We've all learned more than we could've imagined in this past year... now we have to adapt to it. Both sides, W-H.<p>Jeffers

Valentines here is pretty dismal. I just got back from attending a funeral, a friend of my dads. With having 2 funerals so close together, this was hard. H of course didn't go, doesn't really want to do things with me. <p>The day is almost over, SNL did get me a little bouquet of flowers and a card. But I don't really feel anything. I am so numb, been numb for about a week. So glad some of you are having a good day.

Thinker,<p>I was overloaded and numb a few years ago. Just sat and stared.. couldn't summon the energy to do anything.<p>Then I also had two funerals within a couple of months - a friend and an aunt. Since then I have been flooded with emotions... can't seem to stop them. Books, songs, places, memories... everything brings them out and they are overwhelming sometimes.<p>I have to say that the feelings are better than the numbness. At least now I feel human. I just don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore... not even myself.<p>I wish I could say something to help you feel better. I'm certain that your ability to feel will come back, in time... and you will survive all the feelings that will sweep over you.<p>Take care,<p>Jeffers

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jeffers:
<strong>
We both laughed at the radio personalities insisting that what men most want on V-Day is....DINNER???? Wow. What a recipe for disaster. Can we really believe anything MEN tell pollsters after this?
</strong><hr></blockquote>
You 've missed the point, MEN is expecting "something" after dinner, not the DINNER itself [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I don't know if I could take my W demeaning gesture if I do anything today, last year I gave her rose and love note and she accepted (way before D-day). I am going to get a box of chocolate w/ neckless hidden in it plus a rose & a note. I will also give rose to my D. When I asked ideas for V-day for mommy, my oldest D said she didn't deserve anything after what she put us through. I know I made mistake opening my mouth.<p>Anyway, I have to bring 2 D to practice 'till late since they will have GOLD SKATE 2002 competitions this weekend at Fresno, CA. I just concentrate on them. My WW just told me she is staying home finishing their customs. My negative side telling me that I will not see her tonight.

redhat,<p>LOL. I didn't miss the point... the radio personalities missed the point, unless they were being way to subtle for me. Normally they make jokes about anything to do with s*x.<p>My W even laughed with me about this one - she knows what my answer would be.<p>I fall somewhere between your D's suggestion and yours-- see Cali's answer, that's probably about right for you too. Let her know you care about her, but without pressure. A necklace is pressure. Maybe even a rose? Those kinds of things seem to request a response -- which probably will turn out to be anger, because you're forcing her to do something.<p>I truly hope you do see your W tonight and she doesn't "bail". Good luck to your daughters this weekend. <p>Jeffers

jeffers:<p>It is too late ... I gave her a dozen roses, a V-day card w/ encouragement notes (being there for her ..etc,etc, .. being a doormat) and a soft teddy bear w/ gold necklace (she might not eat the chocolate). Actually she take is in a good spirit. She took the flower & the gifts rather than ask me to put it on the table. She didn't thanks me, when I left I got lip kiss ... nothing hot but a bit more than usual. Of course she left to OM (right after I left) and what puzzle me is that this time she took the gift with her. She could dump the card and the gifts before she left. I have no expectation at all from her. Btw, I also gave a inexpensive necklace & small bears to each of my D ... they are my true V [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I don't think I am pressuring her since I did gave her B-day present, christmas present, anniversary cards while I receive none - not even a phone call or acknowledgment. I just ignored her no response and even demenor responses in the past. She knows that I expect nothing.<p>I am battling a deep fog, lies that she told herself (selftalk) and fueled by OM. Now, I understood that for the past 2 years what she is deepress about. I tried to help her out but she 've picked me as the culprit of her unhappiness (reject me) and choose OM to run too. I have to do a perfect plan A and let her see her faulty thinking that OM is the answer of her unhappiness.

redhat,<p>It sounds like your V-day went about as well as it possibly could. She was at least civil and didn't use the opportunity to openly reject you. Maybe she dumped the cards and gifts later, but not dumping them in your presence is a sign of care for your feelings.<p>I'm still wondering why V-day is such a dangerous day.<p>I think the day itself just contains a huge element of control to it. In our culture, everyone knows what couples are supposed to do on V-day. There is no middle ground. You can either show love, or by doing nothing, show rejection. <p>On occasion, this has really distressed me. I was not feeling like showing the amount of love and care required, yet I did not want to make a statement of rejection either. I just wanted the day to pass like a normal day. I can see how this can lead to anger against those institutions "forcing" you to do something you don't want to do.
----<p>I guess I should tell about the end of my day. <p>I let my expectations take control and ruin things for me.<p>I was so excited by the fact that W thought of me and got me a card and a gift that I was looking forward to an evening with warmth and closeness. I was expecting to feel safe enough to talk about my "moodiness". <p>The closeness never happened. I'm sure s*x could have happened if had pursued it vigorously, but I was needing warmth and closeness more. So... she fell asleep quickly, I lay awake for hours pondering questions with no answers.<p>She woke up early, hugged me, and apologized for falling asleep. Thus, a new day begins... <p>Jeffers