I am struggling with understanding my wife (WS). I know the affair had a lot to do with it but my wife tells me she is changing as a person. With her changing she doesn't even understand herself any more. I keep blaming a lot on the affair when it seems maybe my wife just wants out of our relationship and wants somebody else in her life.
I did send her flowers for V-day to her work. Below is what she wrote to me via email.
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Thank you for the e-card and for the gift this morning. I really do appreciate it and I feel really bad at the same time. You deserve so much
more than I'm able to give you right now. You truly are a person w/so many good qualities that are extremely difficult to find. I, on the other hand, am completely changing and am having a very difficult time with understanding my self in general.
Thanks again and have a great day!
----<p>Can somebody help me understand what she is saying? Is this fog talk or reality? Why would she want to give someone up like me when she says this about me and my qualities? Is she feeling quilty? I am wondering if this is all about the thoughts of her wanting to date other people. All her friends in the mid to late twenties are all going through this.
Why would someone want to give up something good in their life?
I am having a hard time and I am begining to struggle with the situation. I have been plan A'ing for almost four and half months. I haven't really seen any of the results that I want to see. Why is it my wife (WS) can't even figure out herself? Is she trying to justify in her mind for her actions (affair)?
I am just getting down more and more lately and could use some insight.
Thanks for listening...

CG,<p>In many ways, I think you're in a good spot. If WW has given up OM (or vice versa) and the A is really dead, she probably does need a "cool down" period. But at the same time, her not being willing to do the real work of rebuilding can't go on forever either. You, as is suggested in SAA, have likely set a limit in your mind of how much Plan A you can do. My personal opinion: stick to it. If the time comes and goes for it, reevaluate where you are, but don't be afraid of Plan B either. It's "tough love" that is often required to reroute the WS's river (you can tell I was just listening to Dobson on tape!).<p>But her comments are encouraging. I've been going 5.5 months now, and am seriously preparing to go to Plan B. I also see days when WW says very encouraging things - but the fact is, I know her EA/PA is still in progress.

I am just taking a stab in the dark here, but it sounds like she is struggling with guilt. She has alot to work through, but she knows and appreciates what she has in you as a H. She is saying that she can not show you what kind of emotion and love you deserve RIGHT NOW. But hang in there. She sounds like she is aware and trying.

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Thank you for the e-card and for the gift this morning. I really do appreciate it and I feel really bad at the same time. You deserve so much
more than I'm able to give you right now. You truly are a person w/so many good qualities that are extremely difficult to find. I, on the other hand, am completely changing and am having a very difficult time with understanding my self in general.
Thanks again and have a great day!
----<p>Well, she said so much of what I felt at the time. It is a place that is very difficult to understand - even when I was there!<p>Like I have said in so many of my posts in "Recovery", the EA that turned briefly into PA hit me over the head. I stood back, thinking, what the BEEP am I doing? But yet, my H was not someone I could run to. The OM was not relieving my cry for help. I was crying out for the M I had lost - and then finally, I lost myself in the end. It is a devestating place - I unfortunately thought non-stop about suicide (but that was just me - everyone is different). <p>It's a deep hole with no light. It is being lost within yourself and no answers to bring you out. It is impossible to even put it into words. Yes, there is a tremendous amount of guilt for all the casualties that were struck down from your actions. There's devestation as you look what you have done. It's severe confusion as to how YOU, this strong person, become so weak and broken. You feel as if you are lying there - lifeless, dead inside, don't know how or what to do from here.<p>What you will probably hear from your W is so much confusion. Her notes, or things she will say, will not make a whole lot of sense because SHE can't make any sense out of it. She is lost and will seem so far away.<p>I hope this helps, but remember, this is what happened to me. But it may shed some light on some components anyway.