I hope this will turn into a discussion of understanding between WSs and BSs... <p>something struck me in Kim101s post to Lexxxy on WalkAway Wife....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Not until something made ME do it. <hr></blockquote><p>and BrambleRose to SinkingFast
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Your insane need to know is simply a need to be in control of the situation. We oh so often mistake knowledge for control and power. If you knew exactly what he was doing every second of the day....could you change even ONE thing he was doing? <hr></blockquote><p>and Elad on his thread...
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am a planner, too and this is really hard because everything is put on hold....<p>"Man plans...God laughs..."
<hr></blockquote><p>
What have WE... WSs and BSs... learned about happiness and control?<p>Cali

I just did a huge post in "Recovery" just yesterday on the healing of myself. My IC really pumped me up yesterday. It's not a pain-free thing, by all means, but an inspirational cloud that I am sitting on right now.<p>It is so weird how the mind works and where we find our self worth - our self-esteem. Boy, we can disguise it and not see it for years. Maybe never. We all have our demons and our skeletons in the closet. But, when you find the true you or start to relate to WHO YOU ARE, the light bulb goes on and so much strength comes up to the surface.<p>I made a HUGE MONSTER of a mistake in my life. I know that I will never allow myself to go to that dark, evil, place, ever again in my life. I have ahold of myself good and tight. Even though I want my H by my side, I can truly say for the first time in my life, that I CAN and WILL be able to make it out there with just me, myself, and I. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want to have to do that - I will go the distance with my H. But, I crumbled 4 years ago, with the misconceived thought that all of me WAS my H. That is absolutely not true. All of me IS ME!<p>Through my H's healing, I hope he can come to this resolution about himself. That is where we were stuck. We can only find happiness within ourselves, we can only pull ourselves up and wipe ourselves off. No one else can do that for us. The other people in our lives are an added bonus to the already fulfilling lives we have with ourselves. Boy, what a "light bulb moment" that was for me.

As a BS<p>I have learned that my H does not cause my happiness...but he can add to it.
I have learned that I alone cannot make him happy.
I have learned that happiness in itself is a choice.....we choose to be happy about something.
Even being lied to....though it's natural to hurt when you find out that someone has lied to you.....you choose how you are going to react to it....you can control that.
You can choose to let it roll off of you or you can choose to let it consume you...which is not a good thing to do.<p>I've learned.....with it being beat into my head by fellow MB'ers that I cannot control my H.
I can only control myself.
I cannot control what he does.
I can only control myself.
I cannot control what he says.
I can only control myself.
Even to this day sometimes I have to keep saying that to myself.<p>I've learned so much.....maybe one day I will post everything I've learned.<p>Lord no....it'd take y'all a week to read it....lol...I had so much to learn and still do!<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</p>

It has been posted many times and is very true. The only thing you can and should control in your
situation is yourself.<p>I learned that:<p>My efforts and determination are best spent in personal improvement.
I should be fixing my half of the marriage so that when/if my wife turns to me, we both will be able to learn and grow from this tragedy and not repeat it.
I HAVE no control over my spouse, nor would I want to exert it if I had it. Love should be given.
Controlling myself in times of emotion is hard enough. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] If you cant control yourself in front of your spouse, how can you ask them to?<p>If I forget any of this again feel free to cut and paste this into my threads.<p>-HI<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Cali,<p>"Your insane need to know is simply a need to be in control of the situation. We oh so often mistake knowledge for control and power. If you knew exactly what he was doing every second of the day....could you change even ONE thing he was doing? "<p>I don't necessarily agree with this. I'll admit there are those BS's who's "need to know" is so they can attempt to control what their WS is doing. My "need to know" is so that I can make an informed decision for ME and my daughter based on the truth, not speculation. I know I cannot change anything my W is doing, but knowing what she's doing may change what I do.<p>sad dad

Contol, and understanding of the limitations of one persons affect or control over another is something that I came to understand in crystal clarity through my ordeal.<p>I learned that while my husband did "control" me with his anger, and did hurt my self esteem, that was because of my choice of reactions to it- I allowed it to happen, I enabled his behavior or it could not have gone on. I am in control of how I feel, and how I live, and whom I choose to trust and love, and how I react to how people treat me, and the boudaries I set.<p>I have learned that no matter what I do, say, scream, plead or barter, that NOTHING I say or do can have any effect on my spouse or any other person that they do not choose to accept and feel or do of their own free will, (so long as physical harm, or criminal behavior is not involved that is).<p>I have all responsibility for my life and actions, and none for anyone besides my children while they are young, and even then I can only hope to influence, I cannot control. <p>No matter how much I love or hate a person, that person does not feel exactly the same things I do or need exactly the same things as I do from it.<p>No matter how wonderful it may seem to sacrifice for others, and how gracious it may be, no one but God is likely to know the difference in this world between my sacrifice and my lack of need. Do not sacrifice more than you can stand to not receive, for you may not get repaid until you get to heaven for it, and cannot expect otherwise.<p>I have learned that no matter what you do or say, even if you were to sacrifice every drop of your soul for it, if a person chooses not to, they will not do what you would like, or feel what you do. So therefore even "controlling" behavior is only controlling if the person it is aimed at chooses to be controlled.<p>I have learned that in the future I will not choose to be controlled ever again, but I have no control over whether or not someone might try.<p>There is only one person who has any real control over anyone else- and that is God, and He chooses to let us have our free will, so what does that tell you about his opinion on controlling others?<p>These are my pearls of wisdom, and I have learned not to cast them before swine and exactly what that means too. <p>I have learned alot, and it only took beating my head against a brick wall for 9 years for me to get it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

A pearl of wisdom to add from Lor(Lor)... {I hope she doesn't mind...)
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Doesn't matter if it all goes to crap tomorrow, today is good, and I'm glad we've had this time.
<hr></blockquote><p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

"Your insane need to know is simply a need to be in control of the situation. We oh so often mistake knowledge for control and power. If you knew exactly what he was doing every second of the day....could you change even ONE thing he was doing? "<p>I'm going to go with sad dad on this one. I have been in both places, where he is and where the above statement applies. I've gotten through the obsession and need to control. One of the biggest lessons I'll take away from this experience is the fact that I don't control what my W does.<p>Now that I've gotten past that, I still feel the need to know if she's seeing the OM. This will help me make decision for me, my son and our future. I am content with putting things on hold while we deal with our situation, one way or another. However, she will never be able to sort out her feelings if she continues to see the OM. That's a valid choice she can make but it influences what I need to do for myself as well.

seeking,<p>My point exactly. Knowing whether the A is still ongoing will influence my decisions. I stopped bringing up OM/EA seven months ago since it was futile. There was nothing I could do about it, so I stopped trying to. However, I have every reason to believe it is still ongoing so I'm doing what I have to for ME and MY daughter.<p>sad dad