I've been making a big effort to be a friend to my WW for the past couple of weeks. We've been separated for 6 months, and I have given her lots of space. In fact, we hardly spoke at all for the last 3 of those months. 2 weekends ago, I learned that her depression and anxiety had become severe and I began to fear for her life. With the help of some good advice from this forum, I decided to offer her my friendship and support and try to help her through this low point. I've now talked to her almost every day for the last week and a half.<p>W has told me that OM is very uncomfortable with the amount of contact she and I have had lately. She says it stresses him out when she calls me, and he doesn't like the idea of us meeting in person. We might be going together to a club tomorrow night to see a band we both like, and I think it will really upset him.<p>Should I try to use his jealousy against him? I'm not worrying about trying to win my W back right now, as I'm not even sure I want the M anymore. But I do want what's best for her, and I'm sure that the A is the biggest reason for her depression. I wonder if I should make an effort to call her when I think they might be together. I think this might cause him to stress out and LB more than he already does. With any luck, he'll eventually say or do something that will make her finally see him for the person he really is.<p>For example, I think there's a very good chance they'll be together tonight-- it's Valentine's Day, and I know they like to watch ER together on Thursday nights. I have been considering the idea of playing the trumpet for her over the phone. I happen to know one of her favorite love songs. Should I call her between 9 and 10? How about at the first commercial break during ER? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please let me know if you think this is a good idea, or if I'm being stupid and setting myself up for a huge LB. Thanks!<p>BP

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Should I try to use his jealousy against him? <hr></blockquote><p>My gut instinct is to say "NO!"<p>Just continue to be your wife's friend and let what happens happen.<p>It is BS 'natural' desire to want to 'control' outcome... but we gotta let that part go...<p>Cali

I'm with Cali on this one. Don't use his jealousy at all. Just continue to be your WW's friend in her time of need. <p>As to the ER stuff. Aren't the Olympics on tonight? I know that we haven't had any normal shows this past week. If you are thinking of doing the song just to tweak noses, that is major LB's, and I don't think it would be fair. <p>JMVHO,<p>Tigger4

B_P,<p>The answer is NO. Your task is to restore your W's mental health. Playing games with OM won't do that. <p>I do think it is rich, that he is jealous of you. He clearly has no idea what marriage means. My bet is that he won't divorce W and lose 1/2 of everything and since he is a physician that could be considerable.<p>Have you ever laughed and commented on the irony of him being jealous of you, to your W? I bet it would stir an interesting reaction.<p>But, B_P your job is different. He is going to dump her, most affairs end this way. Your job is to get her strong enough to survive that. <p>You have another job, and that is to take care of yourself. You will know when it is time to move along, and it sounds as if it might be coming. Prepare for that, but prepare and fortify your W against what will very likely happen.<p>It is your major vow to her. To help her and protect her, although she has broken all to you. Do this one last task B_P and then no matter what happens you will know that you have done your job, and you have helped a very damaged human being.<p>Your time for happiness is coming and my bet is that you will be well rewarded. Why do I say that? Because to have true happiness you must learn to appreciate the gifts that you are given.<p>You are learning that you have been much more gifted than your W. Would you want to be in her shoes??? You are learning the importance of marriage, commitment, honesty like you never appreciated before. Finally, you are learning and focusing on the really important things: helping another person even one that has hurt you deeply.<p>B_P, your time will come and when it does you will be prepared to truely savor and enjoy it.<p>God Bless,
JL

I'm glad I started this thread; it may have helped me avoid making a big mistake.<p>Cali, you're right that I shouldn't try to control the outcome. Even if I could control it, I'd be better off not to, and to just let things run their course between W and OM. I certainly wouldn't want her to ever blame me for wrecking their "perfect" relationship!<p>Tigger, you're right that it would be unfair and a major LB to play her a song just to "rub noses". That's not my primary motivation for playing her a song, though. Truth is, I mentioned to her recently that I'd been practicing my trumpet and that I'd ran through that particular song a couple of times. She replied that the song was one of her favorites (which I already knew) and that in all the years we'd been together, she'd never heard me play it. I'd like to play it for her sometime. Maybe it's a bad idea right now, because it might seem like an attempt to win her affections (it is a love song, after all, and it is Valentine's Day). And I will definitely take your advice and scrap the idea of doing it when I know she's with OM. BTW, I think you're right about ER not even being on because of the Olympics.<p>JL, once again you have given me great advice. You are right-- I certainly would not want to be in W's shoes. I hope you're also right that my time for happiness is coming and that I will be rewarded. Do you really think he is going to dump her? You do make a good point about what he stands to lose in a D. I certainly will try to help W become strong enough to handle that. As for taking care of me, I'm relying a lot on friends, family, and all of you to help give me strength.<p>Thank you for the guidance, wisdom, and strength!<p>BP