<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Lor,
OK, not 5 minutes ago W dropped daughter off and asked to use restroom. I know she was looking around in there and then came out and I happened to look up while she was going through my wallet (guess what she was looking for?). I asked her what she was looking for. At first she denied she was looking through my wallet then admitted it. She got really defensive and started with the accusations and tantrums. For my part, I just said I understood because I've been there and done that myself. I told her I would be honest if she had any questions. More tantrums and insults.<p>OK, here's my thoughts and question. I think she is either trying to get dirt to make me look bad or build a case for the D.<hr></blockquote><p>That could be true. I thought it of my H as well. For us, it turned out NOT to be true, he was just snooping, like I had.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Another part of me says she might really be scared the M is over. I don't think she ever thought I would "leave". I do not want to try again just because she is afraid. That won't work in the long run and all I will have accomplished is reinforcing that she can throw a tantrum and get what she wants. So, how did you know when it was REAL? <hr></blockquote><p>I didn't. I'd already thought it might be real 6 times, and he'd left me each time. Our last separation was the longest at 5 months, 1/00-5/00. He began to Plan A me in February. He really did a good job of it, accountability, email, voicemail passwords--I didn't even want it by that time. He started going to our counselor alone, a men's Bible study, no bars, no hanging out with crummy friends. <p>I tried Plan B, didn't work with the kids and that my H had no place to take them, other than the mall or out to eat...and they had homework, so sometimes they'd be at my house, and I'd leave.<p>I began no contact with the OM at the end of March. The OM "moved on" and kept me to no contact. In April my H moved to a house, so he could have real visitation with the kids. I was devastated. Still very confused and not sure I could try again. But, I thought, what do I have to lose by trying again that I haven't already lost at least a couple times? Would I regret not trying? I thought I would.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>And answer this one honestly, IF you never would have dated someone else do you think your H would have ever come around? <hr></blockquote><p>Honestly, how would I know? <p>At our first separation in 8/98 he encouraged me to go out and "find someone". And I had the opportunities & propositions. I chose not to. Told my H so. Continued not to go out until 2/00, but did make this "friend" about 10/99 in our 6th sep. OM didn't understand why I didn't feel free to date. I didn't. I never hid the existence of that relationship from my H. Saw the OM almost every day at my store, he came in for "coffee". Nor did I hide when I began to see the OM outside the store. I was just fuzzy with the details. At that same time, I served the D papers and set much firmer boundaries on my H. It all changed, not just my seeing the OM.<p>My H searched the house when I wasn't there, he read the OM's emails, he riffled through my briefcase--found some not-intending-to-send letters to the OM [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] , I think he went through my office at work, he spent the night there at least once (retail store, we're the owners).<p>My personal belief is that 2 years had passed since my H's PA had begun, the A was over, his OW was dating his former housemate. Our then 14 year old daughter told him she had no respect for him because of his actions and breaking his promises to her, her sister and me (mom). So, he felt he was losing his kids. I stopped going to our counselor. As far as I was concerned, the marriage was ending, and that's the way I acted. <p>So, honestly, I think it was a combination of all those things.<p>Those 5 months are not a course of action I can recommend you take if you don't want to end up divorced. I'd much rather talk about my 18 month Plan A!!<p>I think I took the chance on the reconciliation because I do love my H. His Plan A was wonderful. And, though they sometimes work together, his affair was finally over. It was the right thing to do to give it the 7th chance. No regrets. Doesn't matter if it all goes to crap tomorrow, today is good, and I'm glad we've had this time.

Lor,<p>Thanks for the response. I guess the only thing that would turn it around for me is for W to plan A me, and not because she's afraid but because she actually wants me. I guess I'm kinda getting selfish like a WS. <p>You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you. <p>who

Lor,<p>Thought about this all night. I'm going to break it off with OP today. We didn't have much but we were starting to get attached. I really can see how the OP can get entangled in a mess and not even know it. This situation just doesn't feel right after all I've learned.<p>Tell me how to deal with this now. For the first time this morning I actually said to myself, "I hate my W".<p>
who<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: whothehellisshe ]</p>

Sorry, double post<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: whothehellisshe ]</p>

Who,
Believe me, I am sympathetic, or is it empathetic? to your situation. I've been there, both with the separations and the kindly ear [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] of the OP.<p>Don't allow your spouses bad behavior to trigger you to do things that aren't right for you. No retaliation, no retribution, no paybacks.<p>Put yourself back together before bringing a new female into your life. If you start another relationship, you want to build on positives, not the wreckage of your marriage. Because the wreckage stays until you clear it away.<p>Anger is a definite part of the grief process after betrayal...and you go through the anger stage even if your spouse comes back or even if you fall in love with someone else. <p>You have to deal with your anger. If you aren't currently exercising in some way, start, it at least processes the physical chemicals in your body and relieves some stress. <p>Are you seeing a counselor? Anger management and personal goal setting.<p>You can't make your W Plan A. You can't make her "be nice". All you can do is control your own actions and responses and set your own path.<p>When you as the BS also bring another person into your marriage, before the divorce, it's just messy. Then your W can point to that person as the one who "really" broke up the marriage. It certainly torqued me off [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I sometimes try to project what the other path I had open would have been like, if I had divorced and stayed with the OM. And I see problems with the OM & my children. They were 12 & 14, old enough to put pieces together. The OM travels frequently, I like to travel, but my kids come first, and I doubt I would want to be gone 3-4 weeks at a time from them. I'm a clutterbug and he's Mr. Meticulous. My H as an X would never have dealt well with the OM. Never. Just as I wouldn't have dealt well with the OW. Hate her guts, when I see her I have to concentrate on not maiming her. Don't see that ending anytime soon.<p>I digress [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>And...I'm attracted to my spouse, so would I be strong enough not to gravitate back to him, since he wanted me?<p>You see, as a result of my actions, my H & I have both ended up with all the issues of being both BS (loss, grief, pain, self-esteem) & WS (guilt, lingering feelings for OP, shame, despondency) and it is tough to deal with. My pain at being a BS is far greater than as a WS probably somewhat because of H's long PA and that false feeling of justification because my H had left me and kept in contact with the OW, but everytime I see the OM, its like the line is right there at my feet to cross, no matter how far I think I have moved away from it, no matter how long it has been, and, I have to be accountable and tell my H and see that miserable doubting KNOWING look in his eyes. That's the fallout of my choice to date while still married.<p>I don't usually ramble on about this, I guess maybe the time-of-year trigger is active again and I have some things left to work out, though I do feel I'm coming to the end of all the "issues".<p>My H & I are very loving toward each other, same problems as any couple with 2 jobs, 2 teenagers, pets, chaos. Our lives have come back together, and though it could have been worse, we had a very rough 2-3 years.<p>I wish I would have been effective at Plan B, rather than the path I followed. A drained lovebank is a terrible thing.

Lor,<p>After a little self reflection I think I was just getting ahead of myself. I have made some real positive changes in my life lately. I think I was just blaming W for screwing this up for me when I really knew it didn't have a good chance. I've been really happy for the past month or two. I probably just put to much on my plate. Thanks for helping me clear some of it off. Guess this was another learning experience. <p>
who