Last night was interesting to say the least. I took the kids out for dinner and when I brought them home, W asked me to stay, have a few glasses of wine and help the kids finish their Valentines boxes and cards. We ended up talking well past midnight and when I said I needed to leave to go back to the apt, W said I could stay there, so I started to get things ready to sleep on the couch, W then said, no, you are sleeping with me tonight! W wanted me to hold her and just 'be' with her, like before this whole mess started. It felt so good to hold her again and be reminded that I still love her so very much.<p>We had a real good conversation about all sorts of things. It was a very open and honest talk and we were able to share our true feelings in a non-threatening environment. We agreed that we are both guilty of emotionally and verbally beating each other down for a long time and we are tired of fighting each other and want a better way of communicating. Earlier that day I LB'd big time by asking W is she was happy with ruining everyones lives in a very angry tone. We talked about that quite a bit and agreed that we should be able to express our feelings, good or bad, but to do it away from the kids and in a constructive way. Yes, there are a lot of things I still need to work on.<p>I think the things I can be sure of now is that the A is definetly over and the friendship between WS and OM is starting to slip as well. W is really confused about things right now and is having a hard time coping with this situation and is really needing some professional help. Seems that W is also wanting to lean on me for help, at one point she said that I was the only one who has ever really been there for her during her times of crises.<p>W mentioned that she had been trying to get me to come over for a few weeks now and talk, but that I never call her and always seem to have something else to do and didn't have time for her (my 180). She mentioned that she wants to work things out between us but can not make any promises that we remain married. I told her that I too can not make any promises, but that I think we owe it to ourselves to make an honest effort to try and reconcile the M.<p>Am I excited about last night? Yes and no, I'm glad we spent the evening like we did, but am not getting my hopes up too much. I think I am going to start calling W, going to the house more and make more of an effort to meet the EN's she has right now. I see us on two different paths which is causing me a lot frustration, I am on the MB path and she is on the 'find myself' path. I guess that for now, thats the way we need to be.

Wow loveherstill,
I've read some of your other posts and I'm glad for you...(I think). Just tread lightly, I know the feeling that I get when my WS seems to be "coming around" and opens up physically and emotionally. I also know how I feel when she "closes up" in the same way shortly after.
Good luck

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You needed and DESERVED a little happiness lhs!!<p>
who

Dear Love, I'm glad you were able to reconnect for the time that you did BUT please, be careful. Don't jump all over this. Tread lightly and SLOWLY. I think it's still time to 180. Get her to ask you to come over more, I mean actually say the words herself.<p>You sound like too much of a nice person to get hurt all over again. Baby steps...let them happen. OK?

Hi, <p>I like the fact that you are able to keep yourself in a balanced perspective. It is hard to do but safer when we can. <p>U done good!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

lhs - OK, you are FAR beyond my experience so I can't offer any sugestions except from what I've read here. It seems that at this stage, the hard part isn't over, it just shifts to a different version.<p>Good luck!

I agree that I need to be taking this slowly, which is what I am going try and do. Much as I want to believe that we are beginning to start recovery, I know we still have a way to go for that. It was just nice to know that W still wanted me like that and let me be that special person to her again, even if it was only for one night. I'm supposed to be going over again tomorrow for a while, think I will see how long I can stay before I start to over-extend by welcome.<p>Its going to be hard to sit back and not push W for more 'quality time', but I guess it really is up to her to decide how much she needs right now. I know the kids were excited to see me at home the next morning and I think they have been asking W if things are on the mend between us. The only expectations I have right now are for me to prove my changes to W when I am given a chance.<p>When we first started talking the other night, I had a real hard time keeping from doing any
LB-ing. But, as things went on, I found it easier to do. What helped is hearing W talk about OM and the A in the past tense. All in all, I think I did a good job of making W (and me) feel comfortable in a very uncomfortable situation.<p>WAT- I agree, if things do progress in a positive way beyond this, it is going to be much more difficult to deal with. I have never been allowed to talk about how I feel concerning the A, the M or anything else. W basically told me "I had an A" and then that was it, she wouldnt allow me to talk about how I feel. We talked after DDay, but is was usually all about how she loved OM and all the other fogese stuff. But, it will be a good test of my own Plan A improvements, it will prove to myself if I really have made the changes I say I have made.

Wow, LHS, I am so happy for you! With all that you have been through, I know you will take things slow. You are such a compassionate and caring person and it seems like your wife is beginning to realize what she is throwing away.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
BH

LHS,
You're a good man, I'm so glad to hear that things are looking up for you.
You said that you have never been able to talk about the A or the M. I wonder if she really does come around, will it matter? I recall in the early stages of my recovery the thoughts of the A haunted me and I couldn't help but bring it up from time to time. Not good. It only hurt both of us and moved us backwards instead of forwards. There are still many unanswerd questions but I just have to look at the whole picture and when I do I see that our marriage is getting better and better every day. I just remind myself that what I have now is what matters and the past is history. The A was an unfortunate way of waking me up and changing my life. In the early stages it hurt and was ugly but now going on two years later, I thank God for the new life I have with my wife and kids. Things are very good now and as far as the OM, I think he fell of the face of the earth, he is completely out of our lives, he stays away, I'm sure he realises too that he was the big looser in all this.
So I think, to sum it all up, keep up the good work. I can say from experiance that it is all worth the efforts. <p>God Bless,<p>SH