My WS is concerned that if he establishes no contact with the co-worker he had an infatuation with, that other people will get hurt besides himself and the OP. He asks "is it right to do two wrongs to make our marriage whole"? He feels that he has a responsibility to his employees as a boss and to their professional futures as well as the OP. <p>My question to you:
When the EA or PA ended and no contact established did other people besides the parties( BS, WS, OP) involved, get impacted as well? How was it handled to reduce the impact? Any advice?<p>signed,
Still Confused<p>
Married for 17 years and still committed.

We all have friends correct? You have friends, i have friends, some are of the opposite sex correct? DO WE SLEEP WITH THEM ALL?? i think NOT. Does two 'wrongs" make it right to make ur marriage right? YOU DAMN RIGHT IT DOES! He did u wrong not caring who was right and who was wrong! No contact may not be an "abosolute" thing considering they work together..however.. they can just communicate on a BUSINESS level, not a personal one. My guess is that he is worried about "everyone" finding out?? or perhaps his infatuation isnt complete yet and he 'CANT" do this no contact rule??<p>I dont konw your whole story, but this is MHO! I know that coworker situations can be very sticky, but if he showes NO interest for their past.. she will eventually move on. <p>Good Luck,
mercy

forgot to answer a question here [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] tis a blond day i think... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>did friend or relatives get hurt?? well lets see:<p>my mother lost respect for me
my church began to ignore me
OM wife left him
OM kids had hard time adjusting to new life with dad...cause OM A opened up the doors for OM W to confess her A (with a MM!!)<p>
anyway.. lists of those who were hurt. OM wasnt a coworker...he was H BF.<p>mercy

Mercy,<p>Thank you for your response. My H says that he currently only has business contact with the OP. He says that it was just a one-sided EA and that she acted professionally at all times. I have seen her at his work and I experience a deep sense of revulsion. I am sure that she is a nice person.... but I do not feel comfortable with her still being there. I know most of the co-workers there and I know that they will be confused and hurt if and when things change at his work. I feel sorry for them but I do feel that I have to be responsible for our marriage and our children, as well. I know one day our children will ask what happened during this time in our lives and I want to be proud of what we did to keep our marriage together.<p>This is not easy; there is no easy way out [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Signed,
Still Confused

It seems as though we are in a holding pattern now. We seem to be doing a dance around "the issue". I am wondering how this will resolve since I am tired of living in limbo. Any advice from others?<p>signed,
Still confused

I’m not sure I understand your husband’s logic. Is he saying that because him and the OW had friends that supported the infatuation they will get hurt because he’s no longer friends with them? Or is he saying now that the OW and him can’t be friends the workplace environment will not be as friendly due to the tension between him and the OW? <p>If the question to either answer is YES I think it’s a bunch of hogwash. Any acquaintances/friends that supported the EMR are not friends at all and why should you worry about them? As for tension in the workplace occurring, there is always going to be tension in one way or another. Work mates don’t always like each other, friction occurs. A good manager knows how to deal with this and doesn’t have to be best friends with everybody who works for him. <p>I lost friends after my EMR. I’ll admit it hurt. But friends come and go, very few friendships last forever. What’s important is family they are the friendships that will last forever. I would turn his logic around and say that since more family will be hurt if he continues contact therefore he needs to do the right thing.

Endevor,
Thank you for your post. You clarified my first statement in my first post. I meant to say that if my H establishes a "no contact for life" with the OP, then he will have to leave the current business. Since the business was going to spin off, he had invited her to join him in the new business before I found out about the one-sided EA. Now, he says he feels that he will be punishing her and the other co-workers for his problems and actions. He thinks that this is too extreme an action especially since he is the boss and that they trust him with their futures.<p>Does that make it as clear as mud? All this stuff is new to me....
Thank you again for your comments,<p>Signed,
Still Confused

I still think it's a moot point. The right thing to do is to protect his family at all cost. I don't remember if you had kids are not, but if you do isn't it more important to take care of them by creating a solid marriage with their mother. That's the right thing to do. <p>I agree that it may seem unfair for him to change his mind about being in business with this woman but things like that happen. He doesn't have to tell the other workers the whole story just that a partnership between them didn't work out. My husband has his own business. He's had different partners over the years for one project or another I can't imagine him ever placing one of those partners ahead of his family. That is just not right.

PS. Forgot to add that it sounds like he's trying to do a little conflict avoiding. <p>Stick to your guns his logic is faulty.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Endevor:
<strong> The right thing to do is to protect his family at all cost. He doesn't have to tell the other workers the whole story just that a partnership between them didn't work out. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hey, StillConfused,
I absolutely agree with Endevor here....your H's FIRST responsibility should be to YOu and his family! He should have thought about the outcome, the pain, the devastation from this before it happened, NOT try to worm out of "doing the right thing" now!<p>It does not sound to me like he's totally committed to the M, yet. Will he counsel with the Harley's? Will he read SAA? He needs to understand WHY "extraordinary measures" is important.<p>Good luck with your recovery. Be patient, it will happen, just may take a while. It does sound like he knows what he has to do, is just ashamed of all this, and trying to appease EVERYONE. Can't happen, he'll figure it out eventually, but YOU can't help him. Just continue to love him, and "be there" for him while he works through this.<p>God Bless,

Endevor, and LupoLady,<p>Thank you so much for your time. I am glad that you took the time to respond for you see, I have been feeling blue. Last night, we had counseling, and when asked by the counselor, if I would think about my H to continue working at the same business with the OP, I said NO. I said that it has been 14 months since I found out about his infatuation and it has been long enough time for him to decide what he wants to do to for our M. The first 6 months were spent on deciding what to do about his e-dialogue with his business partner( a different Op). I fear that I am growing out of love with my husband. It just seems to me that I do for him but he does not recipercate or want to commit to our M.<p>Endeavor, we do have three children that are in their teens. <p>This morning, he gave me the cold shoulder. I felt as though I was dealing with my teen.... I just never thought my H would treat me that way [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>signed,
Still confused

Extra-marital affairs affect everyone who comes in contact with the responsible parties. Under no circumstances can people pretend not to be affected despite their earnest efforts. In other words --- friends and family alike will suffer the consequences of the affair somewhere down the turbulent road of marital discord. There are no winners.....<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: GeezLouise ]</p>

I'm so sorry he's still giving you a hard time over this. I don't really have any advice just wanted to send a big hug your way. <p>(((still confused)))