This is my first Valentine's Day without my Husband or boyfriends since before adolescence. I have never felt so unloved. I can't believe how hard this has hit me today.<p>Everyone at work was getting flowers and cards and such from their husbands. It was really sad to not be a part of that.<p>I still can't believe this has happened to my marriage. I can't believe he did this. When I think of the reality of what has occured in my marriage on the part of my husband--I am full of revulsion. But I still miss the dream. I worked so hard for my family and my marriage---and I feel so sad and empty. Last year we were planning our home improvements, working as a family on our family room, planning a cruise for our anniversary. All those dreams are shattered--and I feel like my life is too. It has been so long since I have felt anything but miserable. I have forgot what it feels like to feel good. <p>I started antidepressants last week--but still feel awful. Why does my life have to be in such a mess....this is not part of my life plan. It is supposed to get better, but I am afraid, I am just feeling more hopeless. Sorry for such a down post.....hope you all are having a better day.

MnM,<p>Oh how I know what you mean!!! I work in a HS and there were girls walking around with a dozen roses all over the place.<p>But I bet I can top you for the worst day thing....<p>The aide that has been gone for 6 weeks came back today...ugh!! all she could do was to remind me about her limits.<p>We have one girl that has had mysterious bites on her body she was sent home once...was there today and opened a book and a little bug crawled out. So had to evacuate the room, and have it fumegated. That was a mess....<p>Then we have a behavior problem student that I had to take to the weight room for PE and he started cussing and swearing at me, and the PE teacher hauled him to the principal for me.....didn't get the forms filled out for that yet.<p>Got home and went down to do laundry and have water all over the floor and can't figure out where it is coming from....so dad is on his way over.<p>And then checked my e mail and found one from H that said happy valentines day!! so went ahead and opened it up....says that the lawyer called and said that he had sent the papers and that I would be getting them in the next day or two....ugh!!!<p>I am still trying to find some good in the day and the only thing I see is that my back didn't act up....I've had muscle spasms for the last week....and my folks had supper for us so I didn't have to cook.<p>I do get to go to bed soon and start over again tomorrow.<p>I am so sorry that we are in these horrible situations, it is amazing how someone that we loved and trusted to the ends can be so cruel to us now in the name of love for someone else.<p>Dad just got here so must go look at the water. <p>Dawn<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

M
I hope your day got a little better. I know the feeling about the flowers. I am the receptionsist...let's just say that lot's of flowers came in today. I too have had a Valetine for as long as I can remember! Not having him today was difficult. But I amtrying so darn hard to think about positive thoughts....you know the ones where my hands are around her neck??? Ok..just kidding. One funny thing for today.... My H left a message for me and my youngest son who was home sick....at the end of the call he said "I love you guys" and then you can tell that he got a little tongue tied and then got off the phone. I figure that old habits die hard.....but I also know that (in ever bone of my body) he still cares for me....he just lost it....I am afraid that it will be way to late when he finds it....but that it will be his loss. I was there for him through everything for 22 yrs. He will regret this......
Hopefully there will be better days to come!
MAX

Dear daybreak and Feeling So Alone,<p>Thanks for the posts. I feel better today--for one it is Friday, and we had inservice today.<p>daybreak,
So sorry to hear about your day. Hope you got the water fixed. If it is not one thing, it's another!! Hope you have a more relaxing weekend!<p>Feeling So Alone,<p>Must have been hard having all the flowers delivered through you. Got a good chuckle about your positive thoughts.<p>My H always says that when he calls also. Must be out of habit---cuz he definitely doesn't mean it towards me anyway....<p>I am looking forward to this weekend. I have to clean the house for the appraisal on Monday--but outside of that and a basketball game and the usual mountain of laundry--I am free for a few days. Yea!!<p>Hope you both have a great weekend....Pat

Dear MnM,<p>I am so sorry for the sadness that you are feeling. You probably realize intellectually that you are reacting in a perfectly natural and expected way to a huge loss. You have just begun to go through the grief process that you must go through to recover from the loss of your M.<p>Are you familiar with the steps of grieving? Have you dealt with the loss of someone dear? Do you remember how badly you hurt in the beginning? Do you remember how your hurt diminished little by little as time passed as you kept going the best you could? If you do NOT acknowledge the depth of your pain, if you do not grieve, mourn, cry, you will be stuck in the grief cycle, and it will take longer for you to heal. It's OK to cry. It's OK to feel lonely and sad. Please be patient with yourself and tell yourself it's OK to hurt. Eventually, things will get better.<p>The antidepressants will help so much. Two weeks is not unrealistic for them to become effective, maybe a little longer. If the first one you try doesn't do the job, there are others too try. And remember, your being alone is not about you. Your situation is the result of selfish behavior on the part of your H and in the end, the outcome was out of your control. You have done well in a terrible situation beyond your control. Once you have passed through your grief process and with the help of your medication, you will face the future with hope. And it will be good again.<p>Wouldn't it be wonderful if grief recovery could be put on a fast track. Alas, all we can do it give in to it and work through it. In the meantime, be really careful when H trys to contact you. Plan B is the way to go now, or your wounds will continue to be opened before they are healed.<p>Thinking of you,
Estes<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

MnM,<p>RE: this is not part of my life plan.<p>You know what life is? It's what happens while we are making plans for the future.<p>Sometimes is just sucks. <p>I've spent a lot of my life alone (even while married). What I found has really helped me is that I give myself a present. After all, who loves me more then I do? That way, whether I get an anything from someone else for Xmas, Valentine's day, or my birthday it does not matter. I always get exactly what I want. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I started it the Christmas I was 19. My entire family traveled out of state to be with my older sister (she was having a baby) for xmas. They left me in Dallas with no family, no presents, no xmas. On my way home from work on xmas eve I passed a department store window that had the most beautiful fir collar coat. I bought myself that coat! Felt like a million bucks. That started my tradition of treating myself. Some people might think this odd but it always reminds me that everything is ok.<p>Stop looking to him to validate you. Figure out what you want and get it. Maybe you want 2-dozen roses... send them to yourself signed 'secret admirer" Maybe you want to bake and share your favorite Vday cookies with everyone at work. Get creative and have fun with it. It will take you mind off of expecting/wanting the perfect gift from someone else.

Dear Estes and Zorweb,<p>Thank you so much for your posts...they are always full of good observations and advice. Between work, and the emotional crap with H, the kids and the house...I am really worn out. I know it is not good, but I have been running ragged trying to find all the paperwork for refinancing both of our houses, trying to clean so it looks nice for the appraiser and do all the kids activities. I am also in the middle of trying to appyly for financial aid for my oldest daughter.<p>I am struggling with that, and trying to keep ahead financially--and I am so worn out. I was supposed to have Meg's financial aid form turned in today--but just didn't have the energy tonight. I layed down with Kyle and watched the Olympics, and I think I caught a cold...just what I need. <p>You know, I have to just go on during the day--around my co-teachers and students and at all the kids activities. But my insides are feeling like they have been torn apart...sad isn't it. I thought for sure I would be feeling better by now--that is what has me scared. That is when I finally went in and said I needed something to help. <p>I never realized before how much pain and devastation people went through when going through a divorce. It is awful. <p>Estes, thank you so much for your remarks. You always have such sensible insights--thank you so much. I am so tired of feeling sad though. I feel like the joys of life are just passing me by.<p>Zorweb,
What a great idea...actually I was buying myself fresh flowers last summer to try and cheer me up---it was neat, I will have to try it again. I think I have viewed myself through my H's eyes for so long--I feel like part of me has been destroyed. IT is not a good feeling. I know how lucky I am--I have great students this year, I have good kids, and good friends--why is it so hard to get over this?<p>I have stopped all contact with my H. I realized that he used whatever I told him or emailed him and created worst situations. Nothing I wrote or said helped--in fact, he said he has never been happier in 25 years. Interesting how he doesn't look or sound happier tho. He writes to the kids now about how unhappy he is that they don't call or email him--he still tries to blame it on me. It is interesting to watch. <p>He threatened to cut off my cell phone when my daughter chose to come home with me two weeks ago instead of spending the weekend with him. Well, he did it this week--which caused no end of problems with trying to get the houses refinanced. My BIL was helping with that and was so frustrated that my phone didn't work. Miraculously, it was turned back on today. It is funny.<p>Does life ever feel like normal again--where you are concerned with everyday life events. We had a short sixth grade teacher meeting the other day. They were squabbling about what to bring to a luncheon next Friday. I listened for about 15 minutes. Finally, I just blurted out "Just let everyone bring salads--no one cares anyway--they just want good food" I find I am less tolerant of irrelevent issues. Maybe I am just crabby. That's what I mean--will I ever be in a great mood again. Life is really bleak right now...and I sound like I am whining...think I will go to bed. Thank you again for your posts. Patty

hi M, I think of you often and pray that your situation will get better each day. The outcome is still unknown. Be strong. We know you can do it. There is spirit in your words and your post that will survive this horrible situation.<p>It's all in how you deal with the cards you're dealt...believe in yourself and who you are as an individual. <p>Thinking of you

Hi Patty,<p>You said: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I never realized before how much pain and devastation people went through when going through a divorce. It is awful. <p> <hr></blockquote><p>Boy, is that the truth. I always knew that divorce was bad and hurtful, but I didn't appreciate the depth of pain involved until this last year even though I had supported my sister through her betrayal and divorce a few years ago. In spite of the fact that divorce is all around us, somehow we don't get the message of the agony that the death of a marriage causes. I fully believe what I had read and now understand, that divorce really can do more emotional damage than a death. I thought my mother's unexpected death was hard to deal with, but the agony of ongoing infidelity and pending divorce (even second-hand as with my S and DIL's case)just goes on and on. I liken the feeling to sitting at the bedside of a critically ill loved one who worses then rallies repeatedly while your emotions alternate from hope to dispair over and over again. You never quite reach either outcome, death or recovery, so you can't begin to heal. <p>I really do think that the correct antidepressant will help you so much. Just recently, I have begun to climb out of what I now realize was definitely a deep depression triggered by my son's misery coupled with my reaction to 9/11. Looking back, I knew I was miserable, but I didn't realize how marginal I had been in my functioning. Like you, I am a teacher (8th grade). I realized I was just creeping along in what is, as you know, a very energetic environment. I feel so much better now, and what I think is really important, I am able to feel hopeful. That is what antidepressants can do for you. They restore your optimism.<p>You H has put you in an awful situation, none of which you or the children deserve. There will never be any justification for what he has done. You just have to keep on keeping on, as the saying goes, and eventually you will begin to feel better. I'm empathise with your sadness.<p>Take care,
Estes

MnM,<p>I just wanted you to know that your third thread on this post you wrote was PRECISELY how I have, and do still at times, feel. <p>Thank you for finding the words. Brought tears to my eyes.<p>God Bless you and your children. I pray you will find your needed strength.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Dear Estes and Resilient,<p>It was good hearing from you. I hope we all get to a better situation in our lives soon. I never thought life would be this hard.<p>We had a gorgeous day here today. I even had the windows open for a little while.<p>I went to my daughter's basketball game and walked the track while she was playing--the exercise made me feel so much better. I just need to find the time to do that during the week. I hope the Zoloft kicks in soon--I would love to feel some optimism again. <p>My kids start their soccer schedules tomorrow. Our weekends will again be busy until the end of the year. It is my busy time at work also with IEPS, parent conferences etc. etc. I hope I have the strength to get through it. I find I just don't have the energy I used to. <p>The kids have been helping--tho my house always seems to look like a mess lately. The appraiser comes on Monday. I hope I can get it together before then. It seems like I can't ever get caught up anymore. <p>Estes, I am glad you are feeling better. Depression is really tough....I really appreciate your comments...your son is lucky to have you.<p>Resilient,
I am sorry to hear life is still so hard for you. I pray that something great happens for you soon. You have provided such good support on this forum---I appreciate hearing from you. Take care!! Patty

MnM,<p>I hear some strength in your words!! I am glad that you are trying zoloft, I go to the Dr. this week and think that I may have to ask for something, my stress is showing up in my back and have had muscle spasms for 2 weeks now!! UGH!<p>I am so very proud of you for putting Jim on ignore, now just keep him there (if you can) I know that it is tough!! But I hear a lot of strength right there in your words.<p>And why not if you have to take the kids to practices or whatever use the time for yourself too and walk the field or get a jump rope and get some excerise in that way, you are right you do feel better after excerising!!<p>As far as the house, the appraisers is not looking at the clutter or stacks of stuff here and there he is to be looking at the house not the stuff in it!!! <p>Try asking the kids for help, (I know ask kids...the answer will be no!) make a deal with them if everyone works for 2 hours and each has a specific job that is within their abilities and they get the jobs done in the 2 hours take them out for pizza!! Make it into a game of sorts!!! Turn the music up loud and get busy!!!<p>You are getting so much stronger!!! You can do this, We both need to look ahead as to what our lives are going to be not what or where they have been!! That we have control over!!<p>Love Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Daybreak,<p>So good to hear from you. I am sorry to hear about your back. It is amazing how stress shows up in physical ways.<p>We just got back from church...I feel so fortunate to have people who care and show that love. <p>I have been worried about the appraisor. My house has a lot of things that need work. My H. left so many unfinished projects. It really should be in better shape---but it just takes time that I currently don't have....oh well. I hope it appraises ok.<p>How are things going with your situation? I haven't seen many of your posts lately. You're right--we do need to look forward---but boy, it is so hard to let go of what might have been.<p>I got my H's interrogatories the other day. I think that was the end of any emotional ties I have for him. He admitted to the affairs and does not want custody of the kids. He said in them that he was not the most fit parent--I was amazed at that. How sad.<p>Hope you have a good weekend...do you have tomorrow off too? Take Care Pat

Pat,<p>You sound so good today!!! So strong!!! Going to Church always helps me!!!<p>Yes I have tomorrow off and the kids have Tuesday off we have an inservice. I am taking off at noon to drive for 4 hours to go get my girls, it will be close to 10 when we get back. Am just taking it easy this afternoon, will work hard tomorrow and clean the house. It is such a nice day here may set on the deck for awhile!!<p>I think I am doing just fine, and can live with what is to come and then out of the blue something will be said or typed to me that brings back that hope, Why I ask? I do want to move forward that I know, I just don't like to think that what if question.<p>Take care hope the apprasial goes well, shouldn't be a problem for you to get it sold, if I remember correctly the houses in your area sell pretty quick, it is coming on spring and summer and all those PCS's that happen!!<p>God Bless,
Dawn

Hey Daybreak,<p>Hope you had a safe trip home...we had a gorgeous day here today too. Some friends and I went over to look at the townhouses I am looking into. They really are nice. It would be so great to get out of the yard work. They will have a pool too.
The nice thing is the kids would be in the same neighborhood. That would be great. The only thing I don't like is the single garage. Oh well.<p>I don't know if "the hope" ever goes away. I still hope he will come to his senses. But then I think of all the mean and cruel things he has done during this and other affairs---and I think SNL is right. He is not good marriage material at least for me. I don't think I could live through this again--nor would I want to. Guess it is better to go through it now than to have to face it possibly again. Yuck!! I don't know...like has to be better than this.<p>I wish I could see into the future--but then again, maybe I don't want to know. <p>Well, I had better get to bed. Meant to clean today--but it was too nice out--so I got nothing done. It was fun tho [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Take Care