We had a wonderful Valentine' evening, dinner, gifts, dessert. We told each other that we loved each other, and I once again told him that I was there for him, that I was committed to him. Then he told me "I know you said that you didn't want it to become a habit, and it isn't It is going to seem like it, but we (H and the OW) made plans for 2 days...one in March and one tomorrow night." I told him that I wish that he would say no. I told him that "it hurts me deeply and how I wish that the H that would say "wait, No. I am going to try" would pop out...there was alot more to the conversation. Pretty Much that I wanted the tickles, hugs from behind, the plafulness that passion that we once had back, only better. What is so frustrating to me honey is that I know that it can happen, I know that we can make it. But we can't even try until you end it with the OW. I feel like I am running to catch up with the Love Deposits and the finish line keeps getting moved, I am tired...I will run the race until we win it in the end...but I am so tired. So yes, I am asking that you don't go. No demands, no yelling, no screaming or uncontrolled crying, (silent tears were flowing at this point), just a simple request that you not go. I love you and will make home comfy for you, but I feel like I am down on the ground getting kicked and spit on all because I love you." I don't know if I am going to be able to make it through tomorrow, just me and my daughter. The two times he has gone out with her, my daughter woke up (he alway comes home by 11 or so, last time it was nine) in the middle of the night crying and wet the floor, poor little thing, for five she is so smart and she knows, it is like an reaction for her. I have no friends that understand me wanting to save the marriage...I am alone in that aspect...Please help me...I am sure I will be here tomorrow night too.I told him that I was also going to try to make love to him tonight, to express my feelings in a more intimate way...I think he wiped away a tear...I said Happy Valentine's day and I love you. He said I love you to honey. I kissed him on the cheek and left the bedroom...he seems so close yet so far away.

Faith-n-Hope,<p>((({{{HUG}}}))). Yes, it is so hard to do plan A. We are competing with OP and it could drained all of our emotions. Most of MB'er eithier having V-blues or happily in recovery. Try to get some rest, tomorrow is another day.

Thanks...I just wish that I could stop crying. And that this ache would go away for just a little while at the minimum.

IS ANYONE STILL OUT THERE?

I QUIT! I WILL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW! LUV 2 ALL

sweet sleep, Faith-n-Hope, you need it to pass this special day. I will check back later ...

FnH,<p><<<<< e-hugs >>>>>>, I can feel the pain you're going thru - and I'm just so sorry that your H is putting you thru this.<p>If I understood you correctly, he's agreed to another meeting with the OW. I know you know this isn't a good sign...and you know the dangers. <p>IMO it's best to go back to the basics and plan your Plan A attack strategy based on his ENs - you can save the marriage - I'm living proof that a marriage can be saved, it can be done.<p>I also know you're tired but don't give up - the pain of a D is much worse.<p>What does your Plan A look like? What's his biggest gripe about your relationship?<p>chin up FnH, chin up,<p>- Freddy

I thought that I had a good Plan A, maybe I dont understand it right. I've read SAA, him too, but I know he didn't get much due to the foggy conditions. He seems to be happy when he is here, for the first time in 6 mo. he says I love you like he means it. I read his V-day card from her...(i know i was bad) and it sounded as if she knew that they weren't going to spend the rest of their lives together, and that no matter what into her old age she would always remember him and love him...I will try to get more from it later...maybe some OP's can decipher it! I am still praying and hoping that somehow, God will touch his heart and the person that I know is still in there will surface and still say "No, I am going to go home and try." I can hope...<p>I have had many conversatons with OW, during their break ups..like a day or two after, she has always said that she has known that they would not be together, he wants nothing to do with her kids, and he has told our neighbor that he see's himself with me in the long run (the first time he left home) I wan to write her so bad and tell her that My D and I love my H and that I am going to love and support him and be here for him. That I am commited to our marriage and will wait for him to recommit to. I know that sounds like a plan B letter...I can't write it due to the HUGE LB factor. I am so confused and I feel as if my heart is going to explode...one min. from pain and then from overwhelming love...love truly is an action...the feelings do follow. Even with the love there is always that constant ache.<p>The only gripe I have right now is that like Happy Hus stated, is that I have to catch up to her in Love Deposits...I keep running to catch up and the finish line keeps on moving...<p>It's 3:00 a.m. here an I really haven't slept, I've been looking at him and praying...the only thing I can do is claim verses and ask God what he wants me to do...I don't know. I am a christian and I know I am in His will...and I know following that is hard, but goodness! I know it will be worth it in the long run.<p>I rambled, I am so sorry. I am sure you all will be sick of me by tomorrow night...On top of it all I have a Root Canal tomorrow. Never had one. Don't like pain. Maybe the laughing gas will allow me to relax, I really wish I had a friend right now. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

FnH,<p>You have many friends out here in MB land, very many [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Don't fool yourself into believing that your first Plan A will work. Plan As need a lot of refinement because you must be continually pushing yourself to a higher understanding of who and what you are. As you get feedback from your H you learn and put this learning back into your Plan A.<p>I'm still working on me and my behaviour and that's 8 months after D-Day. The road is long....if it's ok to say this, try not to put yourself on the same basis with the OW. You're not behind her in terms of Love Deposits and you're not competing with her. The competition (if there is one) is with you yourself and in trying to be a better YOU.<p>Take care FnH, sleep well. And good luck with the root canal tomorrow...<p>- Freddy

Freddy, thanks! No sleep for me, H will be up in a hour or so. Thanks for the advice and well wishing on the root canal...I don't like pain and this is my first one. OOOOOOOOOO scary!

Faith ~<p>Ok...why exactly are you telling him that you "wish" he wouldn't go see the OW?<p>Your words and actions don't respect yourself...how is he ever going to respect you?<p>Can you give Steve Harley a call? Because I think you need to do a real Plan A - not Plan Enable.<p>Crying, wringing your hands, and wishing is not going to save your marriage. You need to start drawing some boundaries to protect yourself...and stop talking to him about OW after you explain to him in nonLB but very certain terms that his behavior is unacceptable.<p>Plan A is not about weakness and people pleasing. Plan A is about taking responsibilty for your marriage and yourself. Wishing he'd stop with the OW, wishing you'd stop crying is not going to get you anywhere!

FnH,<p>I agree with BrambleRose.
You really cannot continue this way.
Each time I read another one of your posts you seem to be less and less in control of yourself and your emotions.
Don't let your WH do this to you.<p>You are essentially enabling him now.
That is NOT what Plan A is about.<p>Do a true Plan A....work on you.<p>I really think that you ned to detach yourself from this situation before it takes it's toll on you.<p>Your WH is making this seem like a competition.
You shouldn't have to compete against anyone....YOU are the one that is married to him.<p>A little of my story.
When my H and I seperated for the 3rd time we actually spent more time together than before we seperated.
All of the contact was initiated by him....but I got to a point where I felt like I was competing with the OW....and the winner would be whoever spent the most money of my H.
He seemed to love that fact that we both wanted to buy him nice things.....but after a while of this....about 3 weeks. I said.....NO MORE!<p>I wasn't going to compete with someone that I consider below me on a moral standard....and many other things. (I had the advantage of knowing what she looked like....and I didn't consider her competetive there)<p>I took the hard line....LB'ing all over the place.....but that was the way it worked for me.
My H saw me as weak at one point....and here he was looking at someone that was no longer weak and standing up for herself and what she wanted....whether it was him or not.<p>There is a fine line between waiting for what you want.....and being walked all over wile your doing it.
This is what your H is doing to you. He is using your love for him against you to be able to do and have what he wants.
And this does what for you?<p>Me personally.....I got tired of walking on eggshells and finally got to a point where I just flat out told him that I wasn't going to do this anymore. I emotionally detached myself from him and HIS situation (you don't have to be a part of it) and told him to give me a call when he wants me and only me and then MAYBE we could talk.<p>I'm not telling you to do what I did....but you are going to have to try something else with your H. I don't think he is taking you seriously enough. I thin he's to a point right now where he thinks you will be there no matter what?<p>You need to decide exactly what you are willing to put up with and what you are not.....set up a way to handle it....and STICK TO IT!
Waffling on new plans is the worst thing you could do....it shows the WS that you WILL be there no matter what....and believe me.
There will come a day when you are going to get tired of putting up with this....and you will be ready to move on...with or without him.<p>Take care!

Oh boy, I will probably get myself booted right on out of here for what I have to say to you. <p>You need to be firmer. There is giving the man some time and then there is letting him walk all over you. You need to gain enough strength to tell him "no, absolutely not, you do not have plans with her, as long as we are still married you will not be announcing that you have made plans with her". You are this mans wife, you are supposed to come first and foremost. It is you that he should be hugging, loving, wanting to spend every waking moment with. Your life is worth so much more than the value he is placing on it. You need to be strong, to be firm and to be honest with him. This whole business of allowing him to tell you that he has "made plans" that involve seeing the OW, you are enabling the affair, my dear.<p>Believe me when I say that I am for working on the marriage, trying to get past the affair. But, for heavens sake, how much does one person have to put up with. Your emotions are being played with because you are allowing them to be played with. At what point do you stand your ground? The more you enable this man the more he is going to making his plans with her. He sees you as weak because that is how you let him see you. He knows he can get away with his plans to see OW because you have made yourself look so desperate for him that you will even allow him to be shared with another woman. There is love, and then there is what your husband is doing to you, he is having his cake and eating it too. He needs to choose, he can not continue to have it both ways, to expect you to sit idly by while he has his playtime. He is behaving like a spoiled child. <p>Fine, give someone a bit of time (I gave my husband 2 minutes) to think about where they want to be. But, I don't understand how you can continue this any longer. He needs to make a choice: either he is married to you and you get him 110% and you share him with nobody,if he doesn't agree to those terms you need to move ahead with your life without someone who doesn't give two hoots about what he does to your emotional state.<p>The more you enable him to have it both ways I think the less likely that he is to even make a decision, you aren't forcing him to choose so why would he.<p> [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

I know...he just seems so close...I posted her V-Day card to him...I don't know about her, but he just seems so close...when he gets home I will tell him that he can't see her in March...I will do it but I am scared to death!!!!

Thanks for the replies...I will gather the stength today. I will pray for it. I'm just scared.
Back later.
FthnHp

Good morning Faith,
Please re-read Plan A. It is NOT a plan to become a doormat! You can have boundaries and express your discontent without LBing. It is always best for the affair to die a natural death-but a little help is okay too.
You are doing okay in plan a. Dont focus on the march events, they are a month in the future. A lot can happen during that time. Work on yourself, have fun with daughter. Make yourself see today, not march and not 3 mos ago.
You need to keep your sanity and your wits about you. When that is not possible, we go to Plan B!
It is a very tough road. aloha, cl

O.K. Help me out here...some suggestions and then I am going to bed! My H just called, I told him of my nightmare at the dentist and he said "Oh honey, I'm sorry." then I asked him what his plans were, he said he was still going over there. I asked for what purpose, he said I don't know. I told him that I really needed him here considering the circumstances. He asked if a neighborhood girl could come over...I told him no...he said o.k. I asked if he was upset, he said no, but when I said I love you he mimbled it back at me instead of the cheerful reply I have been getting. SO tell me, how do I go about setting boundries without being demanding? Wihtout it looking like I set all of this up...which is what I am sure he is thinking.

Faith-n-Hope,
I love that you are asking him to meet your needs. No, it is not ok for a neighborhood girl to do it, I LOVE THAT!!! You have a voice and you deserve to be heard. Believe me when you start setting boundaries he is not going to like it but in the long run he will respect you for it. You are clearly defining for him what is acceptable and what is not, right now he is not sure - he thinks it is acceptable for him to see both of you and it will take some work on your part to draw that line. Boundaries are not demanding - it allows people to make their own choices. He can choose to be with you (that is where you Plan A like crazy - let it be worth his while that he heard how important it was for him to be with you and not her) or he can choose to be with her (that is when you tell him in love - this is unacceptable behavior and I am NOT going to live like this - that is not a LB!)<p>When I want to set a boundary I have to ask myself am I harming him by making this request. Is it going to physically harm him to request that he come here and be with me and not go to her? no! that is not demanding. You did it beautifully - you did not LB. You made a request and let him make his own choice. <p>The hard part is when you make your request and he chooses to go be with her - what will be the consequence?<p>Try not to let it bother you so much that he mumbled to you. This will piss him off because you are not allowing him to be a cakewalker. Watch his actions, NOT his words, if he mumbles he loves you - never mind that. He chose you over her - that is the action to look for that says he loves you. This is going to get tougher, there may come a time when he ignores your request and he chooses her but that is when you don't LB but speak the truth in love that it is not acceptable and you will not live like this. The hard thing is there will come a time when he will test his boundaries and that is when your words must follow up with actions and giving him a firm separation and Plan B if he continues to choose her. But for now, just take it one day at a time and rejoice that he chose you today. Tomorrow is a brand new day but I don't want you to think this is over - it is far from over. One small victory at a time. Just don't let the setbacks floor you - expect them too. But you have a Plan and you have a voice and you speak it!<p>I THINK YOU DID GREAT!!!!!!!!