WW was out last night 'at a work meeting'. She said she'd be back at 8:00 or maybe 9:00. I put the children( who don't yet know ) to bed and get asked 'where's Mummy'. I tell them about the meeting, without actually lying. She comes in at 11:15. I'm still in a state of shock about the A and it's hard to hide my feelings from the children. If I confront her now in my weakened state I'm bound to LB. Should I bite my tongue?<p>It seems to me she may be avoiding telling the children by forcing me to let them know, much like she avoided telling me about the A but was deliberately leaving clues. Her mental state is weird at the moment. Any thoughts?

Paul Bradley,
Bite your tongue !. It is a big LB. You should not tell your kid until they cornered you. They know beleive me. You are doing the right thing by repeating what your W tell you nothing more and nothing less. Just assure them that you love them and spend more time with them ... for kids QUALITY TIME=LOVE.<p>plan A'ng your butt out. Find out what she is unhappy about in M, specially the ones under your control. Address them one by one, meanwhile do not LB. Snoop if you have to but never use the finding to confront her.<p>She is in the fog. There is no explanation except trying to justify her action. For now, snoop to find out about her A.<p>Hang in there.

Paul,<p>My second D-Day was last June - my W was involved in a EA/PA with a friend. When I found out I felt pretty much as you do now. In fact my W even called me useless, just in case I hadn't got the message [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] At the time, I cried buckets and got really, really angry. However, all these long months later, I can laugh at what happened. Seems weird doesn't it but I can actually look back and see how completely insane the world was at that time.<p>I mean, step back from your emotions for a moment and look objectively at your situation. You're telling us that your W is considering leaving you and her two boys (5 and 10 years old) for a different relationship. She's seriously contemplating damaging three wonderfully healthy relationships for one. By anybodys measure, that's madness. She's like an alcoholic stretching for the bottle and she can't even stop herself anymore. Madness.<p>Accept for the moment that your W has been kidnapped by aliens. It's not in your power to stop the Aliens. It won't be long now until the space/time continuum will shift and the history of her life will change. She'll probably even think of the time she had with you as being hell. But this has nothing to do with you. Expect your alien to do and say weird things. Don't be surprised by what she does, don't take it personally but protect your love what was your wife. That's important because one day she'll come back to you. However, you can't treat your alien like an alien you have to treat her exceptionally well - this is the stuff of a good Plan A. You have to fix the problems she felt she had with you and your relationship and then some.<p>I wouldn't set any borders, not yet anyway (it could be seen as too controlling) - and I wouldn't tell her about the boys (could be seen . by our alien as moral bribbery=. Avoid anything that could be a major LB. All of this could be used against you. Don't forget, the aliens have the power to twist reality and turn things against you.<p>What you could do however is attacke the strategy of Aliens. Do something which they can't do. Cook her dinner, buy her flowers, send her text messages, tell her you love her, take her away for a weekend - take her away for a week. Basically, the more time you sepnd with her the less time there is available for the Aliens.<p>Take the fight to them Paul Bradley, take it to them,<p>- Freddy<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Very sound advice!!<p>Yes, do whatever you need to do to get throught it. Pretend it's all a big game, and in order to win, you need to carry out certain steps. Sounds cold? Well, do whatever it takes to put you into a patient frame of mind.<p>Have you read SAA cover to cover yet? Have you read it twice?<p>The illustration in there is priceless. Sue/Jon's story could be my own. It's coming up on 6 months, and my WW hasn't "budged". But she IS still CONFUSED. Remember that at one end of the spectrum, WS wants a divorce and won't be stopped. At the other end, they're committed to working on the M. In between lies confusion. So that isn't a bad thing.<p>In the end, what I found that's been effective? GIVE HER NO REASON TO BE ANGRY WITH YOU. After Plan A'ing with no LB'ing for about 4 months, my WW even admitted, "Well, I TRIED being angry with you, but that didn't work." It didn't mean her A stopped, but at least her verbal barrage stopped! It made life a lot easier in some respects. (At least on the on-going A, not the on-going A, plus verbal abuse.)<p>Also... find the thread, "The misapplication of Plan A" by Distressed. It's important to keep in the back of your mind that this IS a two step plan, after all. Plan B is only to be considered, however, after about 6 months of Plan A - that's about the average breaking-limit for most people, I suspect. (I'm getting ready for it myself.) Read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson too.

......and when your children ask questions about their mom, direct them to her for the answers. You know she will blame you for whatever comes out of their mouths so better it comes from her's than yours. <p>L.