i hope that someone read my last post bcos i had a question which i needed help with.....
After a hour of questions (thank you JL!!) from my H re the A and the sexual aspects of it, i have come to realise that throughout this ordeal, i have not lost my sexual desire to be with my H....one reason could be bcos we have always had an active sex life together, whenever we are together, and bcs i realise just how stupid the whole A was bcos none of it had anything to do with sex but fulfilling an EN.
The stage i feel that i am in now is coming to terms with ME and who i am inside. I have a lot of soul searching to do and i have to GET with myself to make this work out with my H bcos his happiness is my priority right now.
i do not expect him to believe anything i say or do now bcos of what i have put him through but i sure as hell am gonna try.
I just need to know:
1. How can i reassure him that when we make love, that i am not thinking of the OM and that what i am doing to him, with him is exclusively ONLY for his pleasure
2. Is there a sign to tell me if my H is ready to make love to me again after all we've been through
3. Do u think i should allow him to be with another woman for one night just so that it will help him get back at me?<p>I know that last point sounds perverse but right now i am just about ready to do anything....

Let him control when SF happens again...I am BS and I started SF again after a few days when I was ready. Since then, there have been times when I've had to stop due to bad images and WS has been nothing but understanding and held me while I cried.<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: WeR trying ]</p>

compulsive,<p>did I read this right <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> How can i reassure him that when we make love, that i am not thinking of the OM and that what i am doing to him, with him is exclusively ONLY for his pleasure
<hr></blockquote><p>If he had the A, was OM (Other Man) a typo ? <p>And<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Do u think i should allow him to be with another woman for one night just so that it will help him get back at me? <hr></blockquote><p>NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO and one more time absolutely NO. I mean, what I'm trying to say here is NO. NO, it's not ok. One wife, one husband, one relationship, don't think you're being generous, don't even go there in a discussion. I'm confused. You've confused me today.<p>Ok, I'm done, now I'll go back into my little hole. The world is a crazy place today.<p>- Freddy

sorry to confuse you Freddy......i am the WW and it as me that had the A, not my H.....but thanks for your reply anyway.
we have not discussed the issue of him having another woman since and we kinda laughed at the idea after that so dont worry, it wont happen.
the world is a crazy place today [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

compulsive,<p>got ya [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] sorry, I'm bit slow today [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] anyways, my W had two affairs. One about 4 years ago with a friend and the second last year with another friend. After all that happened to me I was pretty down - as you can imagine - so, I had my revenge affair. It was a two day fling [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] that didn't change the course of world history and only increased my confusion about my life.<p>My hint, don't let your H go there. He doesn't need that crap in his head or his life. Simply put, there are people that should not be tainted by the needless sin of somebody else'S flesh.<p>During our counselling sessions, the counsellor advised us that loving each other is fine but we need to demonstrate our love for each other and demonstrate to the world that we are a PAIR. That we are TOGETHER. As a BS at the time, that's all I needed. That's exactly what I missed from my W. It's that which would have made ME feel good.<p>Best tip I can give you is this - SHOW the WORLD that you are a COUPLE. Make him know in front of other people that you TWO are an ITEM. That will make him happy. What you do in bed together is your business and should be only for each other anyway. <p>It's kinda funny (perverse is perhaps the right word) but what the OW did to me was something my W never has done and never will and what my W and I enjoy together is something I'd only do with her anyway. Point I'm trying to make is, with either woman sex is something different we screwed up because it's no longer exclusive. Exclusivity is what a marriage should be [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And to finish, I made a mistake - it didn't destroy my life, my family, my marriage or my soul - it was just additional problems that I didn't need. Your H doesn't need to go there and have his soul soiled or go thru that pain. Then there's the additional problem of the OW. How would she feel.<p>Make your H and the world know that your relationship is exclusive and that will be sufficient. If you can do it in front of the OM with your H looking on then you'll have him back forever. <p>Funny, I just thought of that but I'd love my W to show the OM in front of me that we are a pair and exclusive to each other. Sorry I'm not making much sense today....<p>take care,<p>- Freddy<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Compulsive,<p>You asked <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I just need to know:

1. How can i reassure him that when we make love, that i am not thinking of the OM and that what i am doing to him, with him is exclusively ONLY for his pleasure<p>2. Is there a sign to tell me if my H is ready to make love to me again after all we've been through.<p>3. Do u think i should allow him to be with another woman for one night just so that it will help him get back at me?<hr></blockquote><p>Compulsive with regard to #1 I don't really know the answer. Perhaps call him by name when making love. Given what I have read here the real problem will be what is going on in HIS mind. He is very likely going to be dealing with images of you and OM making love. WeRtrying alluded to that. It is a common problem and seems to very common amoung men.<p>You must also understand that given that he has just discovered your affair and the lies and that the affair didn't end when he came home, he won't trust much of what you say or do. This will time and patience on your part. <p>He may not want to make love to you or he may go the other way and wants lots of sex to sort of reclaim his W. The problem neither response solves the problem. <p>It is nice of you to think of this and it is important that you continue. I fear however that you really don't yet understand the depths of what you have done. As you pointed out, you have done this in the past but never got caught. <p>For the next 6 months to a year, you are going to come to realize what marriage really means to many people. You are come to realize how much your H invested himself in you and his ability to trust you.<p>Don't worry in this respect you are perfectly normal. ALL WS want to deal with it and move on, but it isn't that easy. As I mentioned to you before all you can do is change the dressing, the healing is up to him and some people heal faster than others. They cannot control that either.<p>#2. Well, as I guy, I think it will be obvious to you. Someone once said here us guys as easy we come with an ON/OFF switch. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Seriously, when he is ready I suspect he will make the moves that let you know. Until then I guess you can ask him, or tell him that you want to be with him. One of the major things that happens with an affair is the BS suffers a hugh hit in the self-esteem department. Your H may not be very confident about himself, you or your relationship now. It can often affect sex drive.<p>#3. Freddy gave you the answer to this one. But, I would like to go a bit further. Even if he slept with another woman, it wouldn't even things up. One, it would break HIS vows to you and apparently they are important to him. Two, what you haven't really realized yet, is the sex part is in the long run the least of what happened. You gave your heart to another man. You relied on another man. Emotionally, and physically you broke your vows to your H for another man. The OM became much more important to you than your H.<p>So sleeping with another woman isn't going to fix the real issues here. They will just muddy them up. You will be thinking: "Well, we are even up now." He will be thinking: "So what, I have had sex with other woman before, but I haven't given my heart to this OW. WE are not even up."<p>Compulsive, it is good to hear that you and H talked. He will keep asking you questions, the same ones over and over. This is normal. Here is why being honest is sooooo important. If you lie you won't be able to keep them straight as he asks over and over for the next few months. You get caught in the lie, and believe me it will just blow this whole thing up no matter how small the lie is. BE HONEST that way you won't have to remember what you said before.<p>Keep talking to him and have lots of patience.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Hi Freddy
i am glad to have cleared up the confusion for you finally! you said:<p>Best tip I can give you is this - SHOW the WORLD that you are a COUPLE. Make him know in front of other people that you TWO are an ITEM. That will make him happy. What you do in bed together is your business and should be only for each other anyway. Best tip I can give you is this - SHOW the WORLD that you are a COUPLE. Make him know in front of other people that you TWO are an ITEM. That will make him happy. What you do in bed together is your business and should be only for each other anyway. <p>We went out last night and had a reasonably good time, something that we havent really had since all this has happened, and i dare say that everyone who saw us will know that we are a couple and an item....so i am glad u mentioned that bcos i didnt know how impt that would be to the both of us...<p>I gotta say something though....from the little that you have told me about your situation, you must TRULY love your W, even after 2 affairs. i KNOW that my H will be out of the door without a word if this were to happen again! Good Luck and stay calm....you sound neurotic!
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

JustLearning.....
Thank you for your reply....i look forward to them now! <p>Anyway i thought i let you know that my H had a call from a friend last night and adviced him to go hang out with me bcos we need to get outta the house....we did and we had a few drinks at a club, went and played some eight-ball for a couple of hours and then for some strange reason, when we got home (we probably had a little too much to drink! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) we started playing silly board games like Monopoly and stuff! Sounds juvenile i know but we have always been silly like this before and we are also each others' drinking buddies so for a few hours, we forgot all that happened.....
But then it came down to going to bed and bcos its personal i will not get into it here...ali will say is i know that he was confused by his feelings bcos i could feel them. I woke up and found him sleeping on the couch....like you said, i have to give him time and patience....i guess at least we are trying bcos last night was a really good night.<p>It is nice of you to think of this and it is important that you continue. I fear however that you really don't yet understand the depths of what you have done. As you pointed out, you have done this in the past but never got caught.
For the next 6 months to a year, you are going to come to realize what marriage really means to many people. You are come to realize how much your H invested himself in you and his ability to trust you.
You are right....i have not yet come to realise the full extent of what i have done and it seems easier for me to wanna move on and deal with it....but i am working on that JL, i talked to my H about this and i realise after saying it that i have a lot of work to do to myself....i have to work on a new lifestyle that will stop me from patterned behaviour like hanging out in bars, i have to change my morals and priniciples about life and stop being selfish...so much i have to do!<p>By the way, i am trying every day to be honest...it feels like i am starting my life all over again.....
Hope all is well with you

For #1: Look into his eyes, say his name, talk about what is happening in a way that assures him that you are right there with him, leaving no room for him to suspect that you are somewhere else in your mind.