--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found out about my wifes affair in December. The details are that she was online with my best friend having conversation of a sexual nature that happened for over a year with out my knowledge thats number one number 2 is that she met a man through my kids daycare they started exchanging e-mails and met once she claims they only kissed I have read the e-mails and I believe this. number 3 was she went to her company christmas party and ended up in bed with a man she worked with. I found out about this because she was out all night. I pushed her until she admitted it. The problem I am having is that i am very confused about a lot of things. We commited to going to therapy and have talked a great deal about what has happened and what lead to it. I was not meeting her emotional needs. I now make every effort to do that. But things keep comming up that contradict the reasons she said led to these affairs. For istance she claimed I did not talk with her enough. So I have changed that behavior but it feels like I am pulling teath to get her to participate. I feel like everything she has said to me even to this date has all been lies. She actually said to me the other night in a conversation "maybe I dont have it to give" in regards to my emotional needs. Bottom line is as babble on here that I dont know what is real and what is not anymore does she have love for all of these questions keep comming up for me with no real answers. Last thing is being a very visual person that I am the things that come into my head drive me crazy the thoughts and pictures I just wish i could reach in and rank them out. Do these feelings ever go away? The other thing that bothers me is it seems that I am the only one who makes in effort to try and save this marriage. By going out and getting counseling and bringing her to this site for information. She says she wants to make this work but does she really? Look at all of the second guessing.

Giovanni,
Welcome! You've come to a very good place for help. The folks here are very kind and smart. I'm sure you'll be glad you're here.<p>Let's see, December was only two months ago...sometimes these things take a very long time to heal. I think the important thing is to continue counseling together and try to be patient. I'm sure that sometimes neither you nor your wife is sure of how you feel or what you want. She might also think about individual therapy--to help her find out why she feels compelled to go outside the marriage. <p>The marriage 'garden' takes a lot of tending and it doesn't bloom overnight. Just keep pulling the weeds and feeding it. I'm sure you will have beautiful blooms before you know it.

Thank you for replying to my posting. I understand it has only been 2 months since i have found all this out, but my wife seems to expect me to forget and go on. I have been thinking of throwing in the towel and calling it quits. I am really having trouble with this. I have told my wife about these thought and she says she doesnt want me to go but I just dont know. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I am tring to sort through them. So many confusing things I dont even know if I can trust my own instincts. I dont think she truly understands the impact this is having on me. My gut tells me she is still talking with these guys although she tells me she is not I just dont know if I can trust her. I hate feeling like this second guessing everything not being able to trust the one you love. The hardest thing is not having anyone to talk to about these feelings but her. Because when I do she gets upset saying I keep dragging it through the mud. I told her I need alot of reassurance from her to help put this behind us. But she doesnt want to be put out or change her own habits to make things better. She seems to be saying this is all my fault and you need to you need to be the one to make all the effort. But this needs to be a two way street doesnt it?

This all sounds like typical WS talk to me. The simple answer is that you cannot trust her. Period. If she doesn't understand that and she isn't willing to do the work necessary (and it is HER job) to rebuild the trust SHE destroyed, then she won't.<p>The best thing you can do is read everything on this website and read Surviving An Affair. You may want to consider phone counseling with the Harleys. You need to formulate your Plan A. Your first step is to learn about Love Busters and do everything you can to eliminate those when you interact with your W.<p>You may want to think about just tabling decisions about the M for now. It doesn't sound like she is where she needs to be to contribute to recovery if she doesn't understand her responsibility for the deterioration of the M. Work on yourself and your healing. Make that your priority, and detach from her rationalizations and defensive blaming posture.<p>You can take a wait-and-see attitude as far as her behavior is concerned while you work on your own and the things you'd like to accomplish in your way of relating in a M and just your own personal life goals. During this time you will start to understand more deeply what your needs are and what your boundaries are, and things will start to be clearer and make more sense. Try not to get caught up in her drama.<p>The more you read of the MB material and people's stories here, the more you'll learn and the more you'll be able to chart your own course.