Ok,
here it goes. today my (H) and i got into a fight over his lieing,i told him that he really has a problem with this and that he needs (HELP) now i did say this out of anger and i know i shoulden't done that but the dammage is allready done. first thing he said to me was NO i don't need help. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] how in the world is my (M) ever going to try and make it if he will allways deni he has no problem [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] as of now i have so much angry emontions toward him there is no way at all at this point i can come even close of being nice to him. i have slep in the outher bedroom now 3 weeks since all this has been going on,and only talking to him if i have to. (h) is allways in living room and i seem to live here in my bedroom that is where my computer is at. ok i know to try and get out of the house but darn it is cold outside and i have no money to go no where. i have friends but they work and i hardly ever see them.please can someone tell me what to do from here [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] thanks Cathy

In the dark...I'm only going to address the last part of your post, as I believe it is telling:<p>You said you were afraid, but you want out! Start working on making that a real possiblity and deciding what is best for you with OUT him in the picture. Then...you will have a better understanding of your options if he should decide to "grow up" on continue on his self-destructive path. Either way, you'll be prepared to began a new life without him beside you or you'll have a chance of beginning anew with him. Up to you as to which choice you take, but take care of YOU first! Then see if you have a marriage worth saving. jmho

Cathy,<p>I know it is hard and I am learning also as the day goes by. First thing you have to do is read LB. Avoid LB at all cost. Again H is in his fog, just like married to insane husband but you love them to death. Any thing that they have done, do and will do is forgiven. Do not take it personally, H's selfishness is talking right now. How do you tell insane person that they are insane ?. You don't. We have to wait until the fog get lifted and on H's own will to seek help and work on M. Punishing him right now will only reinforce his beleive. Pushing H right now will frustrate you more and more. Concentrate on what you can control which is yourself and start from there.<p>If you can not control your resenment, take a day or two break from H. Do you have relative or parent to go to for a day or two ?. Kind of retreat from WS. I did that during Christmas, I took skiing trip with my 2 D and family freind. It helps me a lot to recharge myself.<p>Take care

Redhat,
what is LB? i only know very few. and where can i found LB is it a site here i can read? thanks for both posts.

In the dark,<p>If I were to come on and tell you that your feelings for you H are all wrong, you have failed him, ... what would you do???<p>I know what you would do. The same as the rest of use. You would defend yourself. My question to you is" Why do you think your H would respond differently??? <p>He won't and he isn't. So stop attacking him and he will stop defending himself.<p>That is what Love Busters, LB's, are. They are attacks on the spouse. They lead to resentment, building walls, anger, and the spouse pulling away.<p>Please read about Love Busters here. You can find articles on it in the first part of this site. Or you can go to the JUST FOUND OUT section of this site and look for Onegoing's posts. Within them are bookmarked articles on Love Busters.<p>If you want to rebuild your marriage, you need to avoid LB's and other things that amount to LB's : distrespectful judgements come to mind.<p>So when you speak to your H in anger and point his many failings, you are going to get... defense. WE all do it. So if you want a different response, take a different approach.<p>Hope this helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by in the dark_45:
<strong>Redhat,
what is LB? i only know very few. and where can i found LB is it a site here i can read? thanks for both posts.</strong><hr></blockquote>
it is Love Busters<p>Check out my links on my signature to read up the MB concept. Get busy for now and post back for some more questions.

Redhat,
i went to (LB) and read all that was there,boy was i doing things all wrong. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] i really don't know for sure if my (h) is having (A) or not so i really don't think by going to that site will help me much i mean plan A plan B. now let me ask u a question here? a'm i supposed to start being nice to (H) and what ever? i don't know where to go from here. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] can u help me [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] thanks Cathy<p>ps...... i did ask (H) if he would read (LB) in a nice way and he said he would later. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] but lets say by chance he don't later should i ask him again? i don't want to push.

Cathy,<p>When you think your SO has A, 99% you are correct. So do not discount your feeling, just hold the thought. You check your H against 50 signs of A, you will be surprise. Also sometime you need to snoop but be carefull, it could decrease your love bank (LB$) in no time.<p>While you might LB all the time it is not a justification for H to have A. You 've created the environment but H choose to have A. So no justification of A !. If ones fall out of love, try t work it out and if doesn't work out you Dv, no lies or deceit of A.<p>For now, could you explain your situation again from the beginning why you think your H has A ?. I have to leave for Fresno, CA and I will be logging again tonight. It could be porn addiction which is a form of A, an EA.<p>I would not try to "educate" H, third party could but not you, it is an LB. For now, try not to LB, period. Learn about plan A which is think about H's complaint in M. Listen and listen carefully ... if it is facts (issues) that you cause it, apologize and tell H that you will try to change that, it is is excuses (justification of A) you either not responding to that or just say I have different view but I would like to continues to hear you out. Those issues are you basis for plan A.<p>Plan A is a must in M !!!!. It is about you to make yourself irresistable to H. The different when A is in the pictures, you doing it alone ... Yes, this site will have you to save your M with or w/o A in the picture. I wish I know this MB before I married.<p>Hope this help you out. Start with 50 signs then Quick Guide and then General welcome - plan A/B.

Redhat,
the reason i think (h) is having (A) is because on our computer i noticed in the address book that i went to through progams accessories then down to address book there was a name of a girl and her e-mail address, right below her e-mail address and name was our e-mail address. now we both have the same address book through our home page which is msn and she was not in there, as a matter of fact i a'm new at this computer stuff and diden't know u could have more than 1 address book. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] but let me address this we got our computer about 2 and a half yrs ago it was used could the people that had the computer before us might had put that name in there. but the name that was in our address book was from 99. plus also i have caught (H) several times clicking off the screen when i walk into the room. and i have checked files and folders and put up singles room and several come up,the last date (H) was in there was last week. plus i have put in porn sites and there were several to. some all i could see was just a picture of a girl's face like she was in a apt or something then the next 1 all i saw was it looked like a apt also but all i seen was blinds and the carpet the outhers were just blank screens with a x in the center. then i have noticed lately he has been making calls and when he does he go clear in the back room to make the call plus we have been reciving hang up phone calls it started about 3 times a week and no one said nothing but i could hear then breathing and now they have stoped for awhile. but when the phone rings he trys to get up and get before me or says i will get it. now there has been calls come in that he has answerd but no one said nothing to he keep saying hello hello, and then just hung up. and i more thing i took the (a) test and out of the 50 there were 11 that H has done. sorry this is so long. Cathy

Redhat,
i also wanted to mention that on our computer there was a free aol that was on the screen u know when u first turn your computer on u see enternet exployer, my computer all that stuff,well anyways i went to click on that and it said click if u live in the us so i did then it said please enter cd rom well i coulden't diden't have 1. so i ask h where did that aol come fro that was on the computer and he said WHAT!!! don't know what u are talking about. i said oh come on it is in plain view no one could miss it. he still denied it. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] so i got upset and said what did u do put a lock on it so i coulden't get in and he said yeah right and then laughed at me. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] so i said ok i a'm going to delete it then if u say u don't know anything about it and he laughed again and said ok.

Hi, <p>....suggestion for those phone calls. Press any of the keys on your phone pad then hang up. Maybe even play a tune with those keys. You don't have to listen to the heavy breathing. That is a favorite tool of the OW. They learn it in OW school!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Orchid,
good ideal,thanks [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] but i wonder why now we haven't been reciving no hang up calls. it's been now oh about a good 3 weeks. hmmmmmmm i hate all of this. Cathy

Cathy,
Let it go for now, don't get frustrate it. Learn as much as you can about MB, it will help you to understand how to protect your M w/ care & love. I would order keyboard monitoring, install it and check it up. For phone calls, order a caller ID and also order to block any call the try to hide their number. You will weed out most of the direct markerter calls. My last name is unusually long so I get call from direct markerter and they stumble onto my last name ... usually they hang up ... LOL !!!. Be patience on your snooping and if you get the info, vent here and do not confront H.

Cathy honey,
Even though it sounds as if I have taken a detour, you are right on track. Stay there. Love to you

Redhat,
i can't order anything right now,as far as the keyboard thing or for that matter anything else (h) is laid off work. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] and besides that he would not let me and would have all kinds of questions about why i wanted to do this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] i feel like a child in my own home and he is my dad. let me ask u a question?? when i took the test to find out if (H) was having a (A) on me i came up with 11 out of 50, pretty sure of the 11 what do u think about the 11 i came up with? also (H) is into porn has been a long time. but i think the reason behind that is because we had problems in our sexual area, only because of his lies all the time. i could not give my self to him and we talked about this way back and i told him how i felt and that if he would quit lying to me about everything thing big or small things would be better ,and then i could open up. but he is still lying to be about everything. Cathy

Search here for the word 'porn'. You may find some threads where the WS was into that stuff before and during the A. <p>Hope that helps. <p>L.

Orchid,
search where??? on the M B site? can u give me a link to go to?? thanks, Cathy

Hi, <p>Right under the post reply area is the word search. Click on it and follow the instructions. You can either narrow your search to a particular site (such as GQII) or let your word be searched in the topic line area (is probably best) in all sites. <p>I know there are at least a dozen or so threads on this very topic that ran last year. <p>L.

Hi Cathy,<p>Jumping in here. Go to the top of the page under Post New Thread and Post Reply. Underneath the heading is the word "Search." Click on it and type "porn" for the search topic.<p>Hope that helps.
Estes

Cathy,<p>I understood that you have difficulty in SF area since you resent your H. In plan A, this is numero uno that you have to work on. You expected your H to do certain stuff before you gives. You start to "punish" H ... this is a very dangerous area. Now, one of you have to stop it. Learn to fullfill H's ENs then when the time comes you try to bring H to fillin your ENs. Stop LB'ed too.<p>In MB, we believe that we are responsible for our SO's love for us. We fillin SO's EN then SO will willing to fillin ours since they feel "in love". Thus LB$ could be overflowing with love & care.<p>I am not saying that you should stop snooping, you do to help to protect your M. For now learn about MB as much as you can. Stop pushing your H since he just enters a life changing moment of lay off, show some supports ... not telling H to do anything but listen and show admirations and let him has the control.<p>I know you will resent that you have to do all the work and you have need also and probably financial security too. This is where you have to decide if you want to save your M and rebuild it w/ love & care ... regardless if there is A or not.<p>Did you print out LBQ ? and ask your H to fill it, if H refuses, drop the subject, you fill it for him, think how he would answer it. Do the same thing for ENQ. That is the start.<p>Hope this help you.<p>
Btw: what are the lists ? 11 items ?.<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>