I think the nightmare is starting over again. I hope I am wrong.<p>A bit about my history with an adulterous spouse. I got married in April 2000. Within 6 months he had grown exceptionally cold and distant and would not explain it. I found out that he was carrying on internet affairs with 2 old girlfriends and was even planning on visiting one in the future. <p>I confronted him with this information, explained that our marriage was over and made plans to sell the house and move. After 3 days he begged me to stay and was extremely remorseful. We went to counseling and things have been fantastic ever since. <p>In the meantime, several months ago I put spy software on his computer to check occasionally. [trust but verify is my new motto after all this!] He has been a perfect angel the entire year and 5 months since this all happened. I even know that he got emails from some past girlfriends and he deleted them and then blocked them so I know he has been good.<p>Fast forward to last week. On several days last week he did searches for: "webcam nudes" "nudes" etc, etc. He has gone to numerous search engines over several days looking for this. THEN he found one that was an interactive "adult" webcam site and registered. He also downloaded software called ICUII, whatever that is. He does have a webcamera so he could participate in an interactive webcam setup. <p>Anyway, I have decided not to confront him at this point. If it is an idle curiosity that leads to nothing, I will say nothing. HOWEVER, if he participates in sexual or flirtatious interactive webcam stuff, our marriage will end that day. I won't go through a second round of adultery. Period.<p>Any thoughts on this? And does anyone know what ICUII software is? I am presuming it is some sort of webcam software but am not sure.

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I know the weekends are slow but if anyone has any thoughts please feel free to jump in here! Thanks!

Hi ML,<p>Sorry to hear of this setback. Arrgh.... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Are you both seeing a MC? Maybe you should run this by Steve or Jennifer. What reasons do you suspect he has for doing this? <p>L.

Hi Dana Jo,<p>Here's what ICUII is all about (excerpt and URL from Website):<p>**************************************************
Using the ICUII Videochat Program with the user friendly interface, it is possible to install, register and be using the video phone features in just minutes! Talk to FAMILY, FRIENDS, look for people with similar interests, or simply find NEW friends. The WORLD is within your reach, join the fastest growing Internet Community TODAY !!! <p>http://www.icuii.com/
**************************************************<p>I'm sorry for all the suspicious activity. I think you're smart to keep your eyes and ears open and stay frosty. I surely hope this is all curiosity on his part and nothing more. <p>Love,
Jo<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks much, you guys, Yes, I am keeping my eyes peeled and will see what transpires. Hopefully, it is nothing more than idle curiosity but I am very concerned right now. As far as counseling goes, I just am not up for that at this point, Orchid. It's not worth it to me. I have already been through this with him and only let him stay because he had convinced me that he had truly changed. <p>If this is still is going on, then it means that he has not really changed at all, but has just kept his nose clean for awhile in order to keep me. If it is the latter, I know I won't want him anymore. I had a hard time loving him again after the first incident and could only love him after I thought he had the character to change into a good, trustworthy man. I just can't live like this and couldn't love someone I don't respect. Does that make sense?<p>Thanks again, Jo and Orchid, I really appreciate your input.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> What reasons do you suspect he has for doing this? <p>L.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Orchid,
I have really been grappling with that one. His #1 EN is SF, which is very satisfied. Second is Attractive Spouse, and I think I am pretty attractive for a 44 yr old woman. <p>The only thing I can put my finger on is boredom. His job is so boring that he is home from work by 1-2 every day and has nothing to do all afternoon except take a nap and knock around house. <p>I thought our relationship was extremely good. We spend so much time together. So, I am somewhat baffled at all this. <p>But then, he didn't have his other affairs as a result of a problem in our relationship. This was going on almost the entire time we were dating, engaged and into our marriage! I didn't have time to deprive his emotional needs! Maybe I am overlooking something but I am starting to think that this is just the kind of man he is.

ML,<p>Would it be possible to bring up what you know now (maybe Steve and Jennifer can help with how to do it) and prevent something from developing BEFORE he has a change to get too far into this?<p>I'm sorry for your discoveries and disappointment.<p>Estes

Estes,<p>I was thinking about divulging what I know in order to prevent it from going further, but I don't know if I want to. If he stops I want to be because he is a man of character who has self control rather than just because he "got caught." <p>I am starting to wonder if that is why he stayed clean this past year, NOT because he truly was remorseful and changed his ways, but because he "got caught." <p>I just have to know the truth. I have to know what kind of man I am really with. If he chooses to pursue this to yet another internet affair, then I will know what kind of man I am with. I gave him a second chance with the last mess, I just am not willing to hand him another life line. If he really wants to hang himself that bad, I think I will let him do it this time. <p>I appreciate your input, Estes, it means alot to me. And I may take yours and Orchids advice and call for an appt with the Harley's.

Melody ~<p>Have you made it clear to your H that this kind of activity is a deal buster?<p>If you have, then I certainly don't think you are wrong to get out if he is looking for an internet affair.<p>I don't think that all affairs are caused by a spouse not meeting needs. If you are meeting his needs adequately, then really, unless he chooses to get help for his issues - there's not much reason to hang around is there?<p>You might consider calling the Harleys just to make sure that you ARE meeting needs. BUT, at the same time, after one affair, if you are both working a MB plan, then I think the WS should be held responsible for not communicating that needs are not being met. I would have a huge problem with a spouse who chose a second time to have an affair, rather than communication...demonstrating that the first time he didn't learn anything....<p>I'm pretty much where you are at - if my H has another affair, I'm done with the marriage.

Melody,<p> Sorry to hear of this. I have been rooting for you. <p> If it were just H looking at girlie pictures I would say no cause for alarm. But this is quite a bit larger than that. This is interactive. Being a part of all that crap. There is no excuse for it...Assuming that is what the software is intended for.<p> I think you should wait. See if he hangs himself. Then do whatever you need to do. <p> I would say though, that if you feel like you will stay, when and if you do find something....confront NOW! Before he gets involved. Otherwise.....he is buying his own rope for the hanging.<p> jd

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong>Melody ~<p>Have you made it clear to your H that this kind of activity is a deal buster?<p>If you have, then I certainly don't think you are wrong to get out if he is looking for an internet affair.<p>.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>BR, he knows that another internet EA is, without a doubt, a deal buster. I assure you he knows this or he wouldn't be sneaking around doing this. Now, I wouldn't mind if he was looking at naked pictures on the internet, but I really think he is pursuing something here. I will see what happens. <p>I do agree with your reasoning about contacting the Harley's to see if they think I am meeting his needs.<p>JD, I pretty much decided the last time that if this ever happened again, that that would be it. It was hard enough to recover any feelings of love whatsoever after the first time. So I will sit back and let him take this as far as he wants and then end the marriage. I won't save him from himself this time. <p>Thanks for your help, guys.<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

Melody, keep us updated. I'm sorry you have to go through this [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm wondering if you could open the doors to communication with him? Maybe plan a nice romantic evening and snuggle up...then ask him how he's feeling about your relationship right now and if there is anything the two of you could do to make it even better? If you want to play dirty...add the guilt factor in. Tell him how much you appreciate his previous efforts so that you two could be as happy as you are today. Maybe he'll decide to listen to his concience and drop the webcam deal. Good luck!