Made me sink again...oh well. People are always going to say something negative to try to get you to move on. Friend also said that there's no indication that H is anyone near even wanting to...so likelihood is even greater that he'll never come back.<p>Most people are thinking that...I guess all this is SO normal. And they'll either be right or they'll be surprised.<p>Just hate to hear it. Lost five more pounds this week...

Dear T,<p>Very normal reaction from those who have not been in this perdicament. Maybe even from some who have but you are here at MB for a reason. <p>For now, they are right, your H is not ready to come back unless you want to be used and abused as a door mat and sleeping with the abducted spousal alien replacement..... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Be prepared to hear all that hard and rough stuff. Don't run away from it, acknowledge it. For me, I say you are right he is being a jerk. Do you know how to help him back to santity? <p>See don't pull back from those types of conversations. Flow into it and then let them help you. <p>Hugz,
L.

O, So glad you're still up and helping out...so is it ok to solicit help from friends to try to bring him back to the real world? <p>Or is the concept of creating question back to them used to create doubt for everyone of the outcome?<p>Do you believe that the longer he's out, the more certain he'll be gone for good?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong> ...so is it ok to solicit help from friends to try to bring him back to the real world? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes. Just be careful who you ask. Others may help without knowing (like our children). <p><strong> Or is the concept of creating question back to them used to create doubt for everyone of the outcome?</strong>[/QUOTE]<p>No, just another way to solicit assistance. Some will get the hint and those that don't, won't. <p><strong> Do you believe that the longer he's out, the more certain he'll be gone for good?</strong>[/QUOTE]<p>No. That will vary. Why? Because personalities, circumstances and other things will affect that. This is not a point of control. There is no pattern nor single solution to this delimea. <p>So T, only time patience and love will tell. You have all 3 on your side. <p>Hugz,
L.

Take heart, Terrifed.<p>My mum and dad were separated for two years, and they got back together. They were never as strong in their whole marriage as they became since then.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

thanks O & Nina, I guess no one knows what the future holds.<p>I asked H to review legal agreement. H turned it over so that the writing wouldn't show and refused to review.<p>Why do you think that is? Is it because of the implications on custody? It makes it more structured and he HAS to follow it.

Dear Terrified,
I'm so sorry for the pain this is causing you. The truth is that you don't know how this will turn out. Honestly, he might not come back. If he does, you might decide you don't want him back. <p>I was in such a panic when my H left. I kind of thought after a year or so he might want to return to the marriage. Not true in my case. But, I have friends who have been in the same boat and their situations have all turned out differently. One couple got re-married. <p>After two years, I can honestly tell you that my husband has regrets. He doesn't want to come back at all. But, I think he realizes that he was "under the influence" of someone (like a drug) while the affair/relationship was going on. He's no longer with her by the way. <p>I wish you the best. The only advice I have is for you to focus on yourself (easier said than done). Be really good to YOU right now, start moving on and the rest is in the hands of fate.<p>Love,
BB

T, I think with consistance and love you will be OK... I am praying for you. I am a little concerned about your 180, maybe you can do it with love.. this is because I am getting more plan a results... than 180 results.. although the 180 stuff seems to make us more interesting? What do you think.. plan a with 180 accents? I don't know.. .I really think that love and patience is what bring them back.. that is what they are looking for I think... Would your H even consider doing the questionnaires? Perhaps as an experiment to see what you needed, and he needed that wasn't met? As just a maybe if we ever could work it out, we should look into it kind of thing.. that is how I broached things with my H.. we are nowhere near there... working it out, asyou probably know.. but we keep having better and better moments.<p>I care about you, and I am sorry you are in pain, I think he will come home to you, I really do.<p>I think his turning over the d papers is a very good sign for you! Your D is working things out for you too, I know he does not want to leave this precious girl.<p>OH, did you give him a card? <p>And I did not follow how the papers came up, did you go to a lawyer, do protect yourself.. and having things legal in seperation is good idea.. my H is starting to not meet financial obligations, becuase he is ru nning out of money, he was laid off.. I am hoping I do not have to take legal action. My state , tx, only allows me to get seperation agreement... temporary orders, they are called, by filing for the actual D, which I do not want to do.. so I keep trying to let him give me what he will. <p>Hugs, honey

Terrified ~ my H and I were separated 18 months and we're slowly growing stronger and stronger together.<p>It took 18 months for us to both grow and change and to understand what was going on and what we wanted. <p>Sure it would have been nice to have had a short separation and immediate reconciliation, but in MY case - anything less would have been premature.<p>It takes as long as it takes. Sure, some people end up divorced because their spouses are seriously never coming back. Others change their minds. When my H slept with his OW, he was completely SURE that our marriage was dead and over. Obviously he was wrong [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>All you can do is work on you. This marriage will heal or dissolve on a time frame that is not under your control.

Your situation sounds alot like mine was...H not wanting to tell anyone, OW out of state, always saying it was over, blah, blah, blah.<p>We were seperated for a year before he came back, and it wasn't until I let go that we started to make any progress.<p>You NEED to start to set boundries......don't let him come and go every day. Set up regular visitation for him to see your D. It's hard to let your D go at first, but you need some time for yourself.<p>He needs to see what divorce will really be like. It wasn't until the OW started pushing my H to divorce that he started wanting to work on things.<p>Take care of you, being strong is alot more attractive than crying and clingy.

Thanks BB, You're new to this board so I thank-you for your response. You're right. It's still too early in the game to know where this is going to go but every step is so difficult. And I do try to focus on myself. Problem is every time I do, there's some emotionl setback.<p>Honey, Thank-you for caring and keeping up with me. I'm at a low and haven't been able to reply to other threads much. It sounds as if your V-day went well. Congratulations. I was thinking of bringing up the questionnaires in a couple of weeks...see where we're at then...No, I didn't give him a card. Re:the legal agreement, I did go to see a lawyer to find out what my rights are. It was very enlightening. I arranged an appointment in early January so I've had the papers for a long time.<p>Hi Bramble, You sound so strong. I used to be like that a lifetime ago. Out of curiosity, during those 18 months, did you feel that the marriage was over? Did you find it hard to move on? Did you "move on"? <p>Hi Finally, Congratulations on your recovery. How did you let go? Can you define it?<p>Thanks to all of you for holding me up.

How would your friend know what will happen? His guess is as good as yours.

Hi ML, How would my friend know?? It's my H's attitude that seems to say, "It's over."<p>Thanks for replying.

Hey T, sorry I didn't get to this sooner - my bday and Son bday on Sat. Then Son bday party yesterday (5 8-yr-olds wrecking my house [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) And test today...<p>Anyway, it does get depressing when results don't come fast, and I guess we have to admit that we can't control the outcome, but...<p>You are becoming a stronger and better person, so a little more time in this mode is ok. And like others have said, there is no set pattern, no magic amount of time. <p>Hang in there!

Terrified,<p>How I feel for you and your D!<p>You know most of my story....I'll just repeat some of it here.<p>When My H left for the 3rd time. He made it CLEAR that he would NEVER come back and that he DEFINATELY wanted a D.
He went so far as finally taking our daughters to meet the OW...and they pretty much spent the whole weekend with her.
This happened ONE time. 3 weeks later....he was knocking on my door asking for his one and only last chance....he swore it was all he needed.
It WAS all he needed.....since we are now in TRUE recovery.<p>You are so much stronger now.....please don't let yourself get too down about this.
Friends don't know any more than you do as to whether your H will stay gone.....besides....who knows him better?<p>My opinion....and mine only.
He's still coming over all the time.
He does occasionally make comments about you changing.
He hasn't filed yet.<p>These are all reasons for you to think that he's fence sitting....he's obviously had enough time to file and get a D going....yet he hasn't done that has he???<p>Hang in there....and HUGE HUGS!

Dear Terrified,<p> My H also was certain that our M was over, and even told a friend of his who was trying to help us that he didn't think that there was anything worth rebuilding, that he did not matter to our kids anyway, that they had their own lives (if that isn't evidence of alien thinking, our kids are 14, 12, 8 and 3. How could they possibly "have their own lives"!)<p>Either way, he was in a fog and trying to excuse his cr*ppy actions to justify what he was going. He never actually left, but I know he seriously considered it. That still hurts alot. Now that we are in recovery, his whole thinking has changed and he is very serious about making amends to me and our children.<p>I understand about emotional setbacks. They can seriously overwhelm you into thinking that you have not made any progress with yourself. What it really is, I have come to realize, is that for every two steps forward, there will be a step back. With time, you can see that you ARE making some progress, even if its not much. Have faith in yourself, you are stronger than you realize, you have made it up to now, haven't you, even though its been REALLY difficult. <p>Take care of yourself with whatever you need to do. I go get a facial every now and then. It makes me feel good and I can get 2 facials for the price of one counselling session! So sometimes, thats my therapy. Take care, Carmen