I wrote here several months ago and many of you offered great advice. Now I have another question. Although it is becoming less and less frequent, I am still in contact with my former lover. I know this isn't acceptable, but have not been able to completely break off contact. I have even gone to counseling and am currently taking an anti-depressant to help me through this. We have not been physically involved since October, but lately he has definietly shown signs of wanting me back. My question is this: should the wife be told? They have been through counseling and he admitted he once had an affair (not that he was still involved mind you). He has passed on several opportunities to be physically involved with me, but has not stopped flirting or hinting. He says he is being "good" but I don't see it that way. Lets put it this way, they may soon be moving to another state, he has told me he would give me a job if I move there. (I'm not going!) In my mind I believe he is trying to do what is right for his family, but he is trying to keep me around too (says he never wants me to stop writing him or being his "friend"). This isn't fair to her or me and I'm tired of it. Should she be told what he's doing?

Charlie,<p>Well, I looked back at the other posts, so I would know where you were coming from. IMHO, the W should be told, but not by you. Think of how it would make her feel, especially if it were the OW/xOW telling her that her H is living a lie. <p>I, personally, think that MM and his W moving to a different state is the BEST thing that can happen. It gives you less excuses for the continued contact, and the perfect opportunity to cease any and all contact! <p>I have been in many different shoes to this type of situation, and can honestly say that if MM's W is to find out, it would be much better from MM than from the OW! <p>I also have a hard time believing that in a situation like this that "being just friends" is an option. It just doesn't work, especially when MM is still "flirting" and "hinting".<p>JMVHO<p>Tigger4

Tigger, you hit it on the nail. Very sound advice.<p>Charlie,<p>Any man that is hinting and flirting with you is a danger for you and your marriage. You need to protect your marriage by dropping all contact - and now.<p>Maybe his W should know - but it can't come from you. She'd never believe you, she'd hate you for having an A with her H and she'd probably think that you were seeking revenge. <p>good luck,<p>- Freddy

Charlie,<p>Of course the wife should be told. Why would a person even think that she should not know that her H is having an affair. She should have been told when he first decided to be involved with you.<p>From personal experience I believe that his wife needs to know. And it does not matter who it comes from. Who cares if she is going to hate you if you tell her. She's going to hate you either way when she finds out. She has the right to know what is going on in her life so that she can make an informed decision about what she wants to do. By her not knowing, her free choice is being stolen from her. If I were she, I would want to know and it would not matter who told me.<p>I do wonder about your motive though. You have not felt a need to tell her up to now. Why suddenly the need? Is it because you are harboring a hope that she’ll give him the boot and he’ll finally be yours?<p>Be careful what you wish for. You might get it. Do you really want a man who can lie to his wife like this? He sounds like a cake-man to me.. Wants both of you and will not make a choice because he does not need to. He would have to go through quite a shift of heart before he’d be good mate material. And if she does give him the boot, statistically there is only a 3% chance that he will choose to be with you.<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Dear CHARLIE -67- ..... Girl!<p>Let me ask you this:<p>Do you see yourself as I see you? You seem CAUGHT like a fish on a hook ...... and you're trying to wiggle yourself free .... but the HOOK keeps convincing you that being caught is good for you ....... Well, the hook is lying to you. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>BREAK FREE! <p>You may be going from a troubled marriage directly into a very CONTROLLING relationship with a married man [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] WHO NEEDS THAT?<p>What dreams and goals fo you have for your future?
Love,<p>Pepper/Yesterday<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Yesterday ]</p>

I knew I could find good advice here.
To clear something up, I'm not married. I have been on my own for two years now (although I have been involved with MM for over a year).
I fear my motive behind telling her is exactly what was suggested....I hate the thought of him leaving; perhaps this is just a desperate attempt to hold on to him. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] That is why I am debating about telling. He has not physically cheated on her with me in a long time and I don't want to ruin his chances to rebuild his marriage by having someone tell her about me (I also don't want my reputation ruined!). I am troubled by him living a double standard: he takes off his wedding ring when I'm around and flirts, but goes to great lengths to avoid physical contact with me.
Is her free choice of staying with him being denied because she doesn't know about me? Perhaps she does know and has made the decision to stay with him. Perhaps I am part of the reason she wants to move. I really don't know. Just last month she watched him flirt with me at a company party and it didn't seem to phase her, but maybe it did. Am I hoping that her finding out about me will make her leave? I know that playing that card could result in him hating me.
Total avoidance is the only solution, but to date I have not been strong enough to continue it for long. Maybe this time things will be different, but every day that goes by without word from him tears down my resolve a little bit more [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Charlie67,<p>Listen to Yesterday - Break Free!<p>You realize, I hope, that you're suffering through the withdrawal symptoms of an addiction, right? Keep that in the FRONT OF YOUR MIND. In doing so, let rational thought guide you through this one.<p>"Well, the hook is lying to you" - absolutely! I've heard another person put it as, "Feelings are liars". I wish I could tell my WW this, but she isn't "there" yet - she'd take it as a big LB. But... she's hopefully starting to figure it out herself, as OM starts to show that he isn't all that she dreamed he was... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Charlie67,
I pretty much agree with Zorweb, that the W deserves to know--so she can base her life choices on knowledge of the truth. In my opinion it would be best if she could learn from someone other than yourself, but she should know in any case.<p>Most importantly, regarding you...you are the one who is posting here, honestly seeking advice, putting yourself in the difficult situation of an OW posting in a thoroughly anti-affair forum--I respect that so much!!!! Good for you! Anyway...regarding you--the best thing for you is to totally cut off contact with this male. Feelings are indeed liars, as you have read up above. You KNOW what kind of male you are dealing with. Wash your hands of him and move on with a wonderful life. Any contact from you just encourages him and enables more pain for his W, who is truly the victim here. Cut him loose and hold your head up high with some hard-learned lessons under your belt!<p>I wish you the best!

Charlie - 67<p>You did not answer this question (so I thought I'd ask once more)<p>What are your dreams and goals for the future?<p>Pepper<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: Yesterday ]</p>

Please cease all contact now and forever, please stay away from any relationship with a married person until your last breath on this earth. This is what you must do. Marriage is sacred... and you should not allow this man anywhere near you... you are part of the problem if you do. Please RESPECT yourself, and end all of this.<p>Prayers to you. HONEY

Dear Charlie,<p>I think your quote says it all:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am troubled by him living a double standard: he takes off his wedding ring when I'm around and flirts, but goes to great lengths to avoid physical contact with me.
<hr></blockquote>
Your OM is manipulating you for his own pleasure. From what you say he is toying with your emotions in the most cruel of ways. For your own sake avoid him like the plague. His behavior is selfishly hurtful. He does not care one bit about what is best for you. That is not love. Please, please for your own sake, get away from him. You deserve better.<p>I agree that the W deserves to know. It's a hard decision as to how she should learn the truth if her H does not tell her.<p>Wishing you well,
Estes

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!
I needed to hear that "Your OM is manipulating you for his own pleasure. From what you say he is toying with your emotions in the most cruel of ways. For your own sake avoid him like the plague. His behavior is selfishly hurtful. He does not care one bit about what is best for you. That is not love. Please, please for your own sake, get away from him. You deserve better"
I do deserve better than this. The W deserves better than this.
My goals: I want to raise my children to be the best they can be. I want a compainion who is my best friend.
Feelings are indeed liars, but when your self-esteem is in the bucket, the lies feelings provide are addicting. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
Today is a new day, a new chance to do what is right.
Thank you all so much!
The W & I have a mutual friend. I will tell her and she can tell the W, then life will really get nasty. Reap what you sow....

Charlie,<p>Keep us posted on how things go. Prepare yourself for an emotional storm. Think of ways ahead of time to avoid receiving or initiating contact with OM. He will probably be really stressed on his d-day with his W. Get tough, and hang on.<p>Best wishes,
Estes