I stumbled upon this board and have been coming here reading, looking for help. My situation is as follows, and I am looking for advice from both men and women.<p>I am in my mid 40s, married for more than 20 years and happy. Health is good, good job, quite content with my life. I had one brief affair years ago with an old girlfriend. That lasted a couple months and it ended and that was the end of that. I am not the kind of guy who goes out looking for affairs, have have turned down two outright propositions over the last couple years.<p>Five months ago my company assigned me to work on a project with a company that had hired us. My job was to move out of the main office and into a private office where I worked totally alone. I had to meet with a woman from this other company. I liked her right away at the first meeting. The second meeting, I sensed something about her. The third meeting, I told her how I felt. <p>She is a high-level professional in a male dominated field. Guards her heart extremely closing. I told her over the last six months that I lover her, soul mates, all that kind of stuff. Left voice mails for her to check. The woman closely guards her heart, told me that she has a hard time with feelings.<p>To make a long story short, she has told me she loves me -- a few times, glad I am in her life. But I am very open with my feelings. Her actions have confused me, and I need help for women in understanding what this means. I have no desire to go to bed with her. This is not sexual, and I have told her that. I have held her hand, stroked her hair, touched her cheek, held her in my arms and kissed her a few times. I am always the agresssor, and she never tells me to stop, but she never encourages me or tells me how wonderful it is. I sense something in her eyes, though, a softness and vulnerabilty. What is she telling me?<p>A few months ago I was totally obsessed with her. Thought about her all the time. Working alone did not help. I am trying to see this for what it is: A fantasy. I want to move on, but I find that my heart -- while it does not ache like it used to -- still can miss her.<p>At times I feel as if I assumed the woman's role -- falling emotionally for someone.<p>My questions are these:
1. What has this woman told me without speaking? Does she care? I need to know that before I can move on.
2. How does one move on, and not let the ache in the heart hurt so bad.<p>Thank you, esvoed heIt has never been sexual, but more of an emotinoal thing -- as if I am falling in love with her. I have no desire to leave my wife, nor does she desires to leave her husband.<p>My questions are these: iswmti other coiwht pnt,

Hi,<p>This is a site devoted to saving marriages, not for encouraging affairs. If you want to stay here, get out of the situation with this woman, and work on your MARRIAGE.<p>How do you think your WIFE feels, never mind this woman?<p>If you want to pursue this woman, go to a board called gloryb.com. They will support you wholeheartedly.<p>I am sorry if I seem blunt, and harsh, but, my husband was like you, and I am still dealing with the pain of betrayal...as are so many people here.<p>Stay if you want to follow our concepts, otherwise please go to the other site, because it is VERY painful for some of us to read stuff like your post.<p>Nina

Ditto what Nina said. Nothing to add.<p>Snow

Read very carefully what happens to both the BS and the WS in this website. Worlds crumble during and after an A. Even if you think it is harmless, because it hasn't become PA, it harms everyone and everything anyway. An EA is just as devestating as a bomb going off inside ones soul!<p>There is a reason you are have been pulled into an EA. You need to look at why. You need to take a step back and TRULY look at what you are doing and how you got there! If it keeps on going, you will be lost in a sea. Believe me, I've been there!<p>Your actions will be hanging like a rope around your neck for the rest of your life. It doesn't wash off and IT WON'T GO AWAY. An A is not like the other mistakes we make in our lives where you can safely put them in the "oops" drawer in our minds. An A is just too big and it is so much more than a little mistake.<p>And then there's the GIGANTIC/HUGE thing to consider, what your actions will do to others - especially your W. It will take her years to get past this - sometimes people JUST CAN'T GET PAST IT! How about the OW's H - or is there one? How about the children in either of your marriages? How about your co-workers? Do you know this kind of scandal may wind up with one or both of you loosing your jobs? See, there is enormous amount of casualties that will be devestated by what you are doing. Stand back and look at it. PLEASE!<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Kim101 ]</p>

MM SEEKING ADVICE<p>OK ..... here's some advice(and I mean this sincerely): <p>What would happen if you printed out what you wrote here, and showed it to your wife, your parents, your in-laws, your children, your pastor, your siblings and the person you admire most for their honesty and wisdom.<p>What do you imagine the response of each of these people who know and love you would be?<p>Your life is intertwined with those who love you and have loved you for many many years. <p>I urge you to try this exercise here, on this forum.<p>Make a list of those people in your life .... and write out what you think they would say to you if they were aware of your dilemma.<p>You are part of a wonderful complex FAMILY OF MAN.<p>Your actions will have a ripple effect on those who care for you.<p>Have you considered this?<p>Pepper/Yesterday<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Yesterday ]</p>

Thanks for the comments. What I was doing was giving a history, not looking for support to engage in affair.
The hard part for me now is how to break away. At times my heart aches as though I am giving up something important, even though I know it is a fantasy, not reality and not what I really want to do.
But because I led with my heart, I seem more emotionally entangled. One problem for me is that I must see this woman for another two months to finish the project. There is no way around it.
How did others of you get over obsessive thoughts, thoughts of longing and missing?

((((((mmseekingadvice))))))) here's a hug for you!<p>Obsessive thoughts [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] .... do you know what obsessive thoughts are doing for you? Those thoughts are possibly a means to delay your anxiety. (But the delay is only temporary, and the anxiety will worsen) The obsessive thoughts keep you from thinking and feeling something else. What could that be?<p>What makes you anxious ?<p>Your "longing" might be about finding your emotional needs (ENs) fullfilled outside your marriage ... more than they are about this other person (OP). You might feel that if you give up this dangerous obsessive relationship outside your marriage that you'll be emotionally unfulfilled. Why are you emotionally unfullilled within your marriage?<p>You have yet to speak of your family. Why is that? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are headed for more trouble then you can imagine if you continue down his path.<p>How are you sleeping?<p>Pepper/Yesterday<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Yesterday ]</p>

Thanks for the response. I am very happy with my family. I have thought about what is lacking in me, and I have yet to figure it out. The best I can come up with is that I love the idea of being in love with this woman. Not sexual at all. No desire to go to bed. I like holding her hand, those kind of things.
It makes no sense

MMskngadv,<p>Hm........have you read the book, his needs/her needs? Sounds like you have an emotional needs issue. Understanding that is important. The real crux of this may be the lack of your understanding your W's needs making you suspectible to needs of OWs. <p>My H is Mr. Nice Guy. Always ready to lend a hand. He 'assumes' most people are nice. That's ok but then the selfish side of him kicks in and bam! he meets his evil OW match. No she is more evil than his selfish side. <p>Now this may not be your situation but see my H did not do much to meet my needs, I did. I held up my end by myself. Why? Because I could see that H was not family oriented partially due to his background (family history) and personal character (primary loner). Hm.. but to all outsiders observance a great guy.<p>That combo was deadly for our marriage and still is. So, back to the book, it will reveal a lot about the mars vs venus mentality. Worth a look see. <p>L.

The strange thing is that I have been a great husband. I know that you may doubt that, given my situation, but I have been supportive, in love and there for her emotional needs as well as physical. I am in a active father and do more than my share around the house. We go on vacation, talk, all those things.<p>When this OW came into my life, she really threw me. There is no logical reason. She is not the type of woman I would marry. She works all the time and is very guarded with her heart. And yet I found myself really falling for her.<p>I wonder if part of the problem was that she was in reserve, and with me always telling her how I felt I kind of fell in love just by talking with her.<p>No I am trying to break away and I feel emotioinally close to her, far more of an issue than if I had just slept with her.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

You could be right about the midlife crises, but I feel great about my life. This woman popped into my life unexpectedly last summer and my feelings grew for her. I am not looking to regain my youth. At this point I am not buying gold chains, a convertable. And, no, I don't have to make do with a comb over.<p>I am puzzled by this. Something is clearly missing within me, but I cant figure it out, cant figure out what this woman does for me. If I could, I would fill the hole. For now, though, I have to find a way to be strong and move on, and make my heart quit aching.

Maybe your marriage has just simply reached a stale point and the newness of this other person is enthrawling. You know, we change so much throughout the years, it's not surprising that eventually there's a good chance we'll meet someone that will interest us because they are NOT like our spouse. We fall in love with our spouse for whatever reason works at that time...the trick is to keep finding things to appreciate about each other. Have you thought about trying something different in your marriage?

MMseekingadvice,
Maybe you are hooked on the challenge of her. You've said several times how she closely guards her heart and that you have been the agressor. You also ask if she cares and what is she thinking? Why is that important to you? Do you want to make this woman care for you, is it a challenge for you to do so? If you do succeed and she comes to care for you as much as you say you care for her, what then? Will you then pursue a relationship with her or will you back away because you don't really want to break up your marriage. Where does that leave this woman then? I think she is being smart in keeping her feelings close to her and keeping you at a distance. There is no good that could come of a relationship with her because you are already married, and claim to be happily married. If she gives you her heart what then? Will the thrill of the chase be over? If you care about her think about what you are doing to her.

Why is it essential that your work be done in a private office where the two of you are alone? Is there no way to change that?<p>Most of the people here will acknowledge that you cannot control what you feel, but you can control how you act. Don't speak another word to this woman about your feelings for her. Do not touch her again. Don't be tempted to read anything into looks from her. She is not simply guarded. She doesn't have the same feeling for you that you have for her. Be thankful that she has not responded to your advances and stop them right now. You cannot help that you are attracted to her, but you definitely can choose to act like a married man who respects his wife and his marriage. <p>Because of the way you feel, it will hurt to separate from her now or two months from now. Since you will feel a loss either way, isn't it worth your self-respect and the preservation of your family to stop this self-destructive behavior now before you do something that will destroy your life? <p>Which brings me back to my original question. It will be exceptionally difficult for you to let go of your feelings if you continue to work closely with her, just the two of you in a private office. The first thing I would do is to change that arrangement. Or if you are really serious, turn the job over to someone else and get away from her. <p>And finally, read HN,HN as Orchid recommended and find out what needs you have that would cause you to crave this feeling you have for her. Isn't it possible that with care and effort, you could transfer this intense "in love" feeling to your wife?<p>Best wishes,
Estes