I had once posted a question but sadly I didn't receive any answers..... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] So I will just try again. I would like to tell my story first.
My H and I met when I was 14 and he was 17. It was love at first site and always something very special. We always shared our passion for horses. This was something very special for us. We got married , I was 19 and he 22. We got 2 beautiful children. I became a stayathome mommy and helped build up our own business. This all worked out and we were more than happy and still things were very special in our relationship. We talked alot, shared our thoughts and when problems came up we worked them out together.
We then had a problem (business+friends)that was very depessing for both of us, we discussed and talked about this and we gave one another the support that we thought the other needed. I would cry, he would calm me, he would feel bad and I calmed him and told him we would work this out. It was really very hard but I had no problem getting over this knowing we were together working on this problem. I gave him alot of time of his own as I knew this would help him get over this problem and make him happy. He'd go out riding and doing sports and I did what did me good. We met a new couple and started going out with them. She got active in riding and would participate in these activities. This all didn't seem to be a problem. I started to get a strange feeling. At this time we were also building a new appartment. We were working like crazy to get this finished. We were making plans for how beautiful everything was going to be. This helped me to cope with the problem we were having. I noticed in this time my H was getting home later all the time. I didn't question this, I was too depressed. I thought the whole time that he too was just to sad to talk about our problem. Then the DD came. I looked at the telefon bill and discovers OW number. When he came home I asked him what this all meant. I was so calm. He at first denied. Then he told me it was true. He wasn't able to cope with the problem we were having and was able to talk with her about everything, she gave him understanding and the things he missed from me. ( I was giving him all the love I had at that time, I too was very depressed)I knew that something was going wrong I just wasn't prepaired for this. After many discussions, lots of tears, we were sure that we wanted things to work out. He stopped contact after telling her personally. This was Jan.13 2000.
We have had such a beautiful year, doing things together again. Again riding became something special in our lives. I'm now beginning to have a real problem though. I don't know what is happening.... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I don't want to anymore, it's bringing up bad memories. It's eating me up. I told my H I needed a break from all of this, it's not doing me good. I feel as if life is going on for him as it was before, He is able to do the things that bring pleasure to him and I feel hurt. I'm aware that these things are what you call "triggers". They didn't affect me at the beginning, they are coming up now and very hard!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
Am I asking for too much??? I need a break from all of this and he wishes to continue doing what is fun for himself. He doesn't want to hurt me, I know that. Last nite we had a long discussion. He said if I needed a break, he understands, but this means that he will give up this complete hobby and sell everything! He then never wants to do anything with horses again. This is really knocking me out!!!! It's been a part of our life since we've known each other. I just need a break because it brings up bad memories. He had OW involved in our hobby. She was taking my part!!!
I asked him last nite, if this was really his desicion...and if we ever did get separated would he start of with horses again. He said "he didn't know, maybe....." hmmmmmm I don't know what to do, I feel so uncomfortable. I don't believe he's making a decision that is good for both of us. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] He also said after I asked what he is thinking: I feel as if I can only WORK and nothing else! This makes me feel so bad, I don't want him to feel as if I'm taking things away from him. I just need a break!! He also said: I know I screwed this up, it is my fault, I'm the one that has caused you to have these bad feelings. Can someone tell me, what is going on, how can we get this problem solved to make each other happy????? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
We've been married since 21 years and known each other since 27 years, I really want to make our marriage work, so does my H!

BB, I can't tell from your post if his affair is still going on or if it's in the past and you are just now getting hit with the triggers. If that is the case, I'd be the first to say I'm not surprised. My H and I too worked on rebuilding and then I had to back off. Too painful for me. There I was, having been faithful and hopeful all along. And he got to go out and have other women, figure out what he really wanted. That left me with a less-than-desireable (to ME) mate. Unfortunately, there are quite a few of us in the same boat. <p>Snow

I can't say from personal experience on the point of A's. But, you sound like you're depressed and I wonder if you are on a med...? If you don't stay on it long-term, you could benefit from the mind-clearing effects, as Dr. Harley suggests. It's probably very different from my situation, but I did find some aversion to our former activities...but now, I've decided that I'm not going to let anyone keep me from enjoying my life with my H and have actually gained interest in the things the op were involved in with my H. Ask your H to negotiate...give you some time to heal a little, a couple of weeks, and tell him your proactive steps. Keep him informed every so often of how you are doing with those steps. I hope this helps. You deserve to have fun with your H. Block out those feelings that Satan entices in you. Submit every thought to the Lord. When you think of her on that horse, say, "No. She's not here. It's just my H and me. She lost. I won on my marriage." You are the champion. You are a better woman than I.

Blondblossom;<p>I don't know if I can offer you any useful information; but I know what you are feeling. It's so painful and it's as if you have no control over your feelings.<p>I went back and read your old posts and some things jumped out at me. You said you and your H have always enjoyed riding together. It seems that recreational companionship is high on somebody's EN list. Have you and your H done the questionaires? You said "Something was wrong." Before he started taking OW along on rides. Maybe that's where the problem lies. It sounds like he has a very high need for RC and he associates his best feelings with those times. You seem to have a high need for it too; but you are feeling the resentment of him riding with her and it is no longer enjoyable for you. Can you ride somewhere else for a while? Different times of the day? I don't know; I'm not in any position to give advice; but it sounds like somebody in your M is making BIG withdrawals from the Love Bank and you haven't found the leak yet. There might be some triggers you haven't identified yet. You mnetioned the Doctor and his W having problems. Is your H a friend of theirs? Is he talking to her?<p>Your pain is very real and I am not underestimating what you are going through. I'm just posing the question - "Are you (you or H) missing the target on meeting the highest emotional needs?" Are depositing love units but using LB's to withdraw them? It's just a thought. You and your H seem to be having a great recovery and I'm envious of your progress. My W and I are only two months into this and there are lots of hard emotional days. Read, read and re-read all the information on this site and maybe even get a copy of the Surviving an Affair book. It sounds like you both want to keep your M and you are both trying; but there seems to be a snag you have not found yet.<p>I am looking at this from the male's "Let's just fix it" standpoint and I might just be missing the emotional part of A's that just creep and bite you on the back side. But working on you and making you feel good about you and who you are (Plan A) might give you some insight on why you are slipping down the slippery slope.