Out of the mouths of babes! My daughter (5) said that daddy was probably late because of bad traffic. I told her that he was visiting a friend. She quickly replied "We have got to get him out of OW!" I was amazed that she knew who I was talking about, and it just hit me now how what she said could be taken so literal! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't... but I laughed at that.<p>Jeffers

I'm sorry and stone me if you need to but I don't think it's funy that a 5 year old knows there's an "OW". Can't even imagine the damage that might be doing to her. Faith-n-Hope you should be careful to make sure your little ones are protected from this and how can you as a BS be so cheerful and laugh about it? IMHO there's no humour in that. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: totally-lost ]</p>

totally-lost <p>You are right that it's sad that a 5 year old knows this. What I have realized about children is that they make it their business to know what is going on. They are much more aware and astute then most adults give them credit for.<p>We have never told our children of my H’s affair, yet they know an awful lot. What I found out is that they knew of his Internet ‘buddies’ and that they were inappropriate relationships long before I did. They may not know the details, but they know that there was something going on. And they knew why I was upset when I found out about it all.<p>His daughter told me one time that her dad told her that he talked to the women because they had problems and he was being their friend. She rolled her eyes at me and said “Gee, it’s not like we don’t have problems around here that need his attention.” She was 11 at the time.<p>I would agree that a one-night stand is not something that a child should be told about. But and on going affair it very hard to hide. Hiding it only helps to teach a child how to ignore the little lies and games that the WS plays. I know from experience. I look back at my childhood and can now see the dynamics my parents played out to hide his affairs from us children. And as an adult I played those same dynamics with my husbands. It is only now that I have learned to trust my instincts and not enable a cheater.<p>Kids know whether if we tell them or not. Dr. Harley suggests that the children be told so that they understand the strange dynamics that are going on in the family. It’s better to teach them to be radically honest and open in a family then to hide things and lie. <p>Is the 5 year old's statement funny? Only is a twisted way.<p>Z

O.K. Hold on...my heart dropped and I teared up to hear her say that...but at 2 am...the last piece was funny in retrospect. It is awful and I would walk through the fires of hell to protect her. She is my little angel. It kills me inside to know what she must be feeling and not able to explain. You see daddy din't come home last nite...I called to see if he could try to get here before she woke up to prevent more damage...I left a message so we will see. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I've read so much about A running in families. Children learned that their parents had an A and then they can easily fall into the same pattern as adults. They've found that sometimes it has run through several generations. Oh, that is so scarey!

Sense of humor helps us survive. If we looked as sad as we feel, this world would be in a flood of tears. <p>Children have a way of saying their piece and it pierces right to the heart. The laughter helps eleviate the pain. There is nothing wrong with that. The important thing is so assure our chidlren of our support and that they can always come and share their innermost thoughts with us as their parent. <p>Shielding or attempts at shielding our children completely from these types of issues is a form of dishonesty. Don't fool yourself, your children know more than they show. If parents ignore their children, they will take their issues elsewhere. They will share it but with who? <p>JMHO,
L.

I don't believe in sheilding our children from everything regarding the A and humour definitely gets us through. But I can honestly see no reason why or how a 5 year old would know to say the words OW or other woman. It just makes me think that maybe the child is exposed to a little too much information. <p>I work with troubled children and I see how things we as parents do can affect our children for the rest of their lives. Sorry I'm just concerned.

My kids both know about my H's A. <p>I grew up in a house where my father has had one emotional affair after another. I had NO idea that this was going on. I thought all the stuff going on was normal.<p>Is it any wonder that I am where I am today? I had NO CLUE how to be married because no one ever told me that the stuff I watched and learned as a child was WRONG.<p>I put my kids in counseling, my oldest son needed anti-depressants, and we also attended family therapy. But never did I hide from them the reality of what was going on. Did I give them the nitty gritty? No. But they had a right to know why their lives were turned upside down.<p>We still talk about it as a family. My H apologized to both of them for his affair and for hurting them.<p>I'm glad they got to see us pulling our marriage back together - what more powerful message of love could we give them?

The key is not just what we say but how we say it. The true intentions come into play here. <p>When parents pit their children and use them as a pawn against another, then yes, it is wrong. Definitely wrong. <p>That is not what I am saying. I have worked with troubled children in the past. One case was a whole class of boys ages 10 - 12. They were sooo socially immature, they had to be put in a separate class 1/2 day. You know what they needed? Someone to listen to them. The stories they told made my skin crawl. Yet with at least one, I was able to assist in giving him the skills to strengthen him so that he could work his way back to his regular class and face his issues. That was just one child. There are many more. <p>Now I am married into a family who thrived on keeping secrets. Too bad, I don't come from that kind of environment. This family (my in-laws) are basically nice but very dysfunctional people (no secret about that), yet the core of all this is the great need to keep everything a secret. I have been working hard to opening this whole group up (10 living children and their parents). I am not alone in this. Some of them are doing better but every single one has had emotional truama as a result. <p>I am not an expert, just a hard working mom interested in helping her family and relatives better themselves. It is our family goal not give our child a better start than his dad had. I can say that my family upbringing shows it is possible. For that I am indebted to my parents. <p>We are not perfect but we still must try. Also we need to be put the emphasis in the right place. Shielding our children from what they will be facing in the real world anyway is not good parenting. <p>There is a case here in CA where a 14 year old girl was abducted on her way to school. Her parents taught their children how keep calm and learn to get out of locked places (abandoned fridge, trunk, etc.). That training paid off when she was abducted. The assailant is now in custody. Parents preparing our children is important. Life's lessons happen everywhere. <p>For me, I am glad my parents gave me the strength to handle being an adult. It makes me sad to see soo many confused but intelligent people making a shame out of their lives and others. So for that I have vowed to within reason, prepare my children for their future. <p>JMHO,
L.<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

She does not say OW...she says the OW's name. I just did not want to use it here. Make sense?

FnH,<p>Understood. The fact that she is able to tell you that she understands the concept is important. <p>Hugz to you and your children. <p>L.