I am going to start bugging my computer to see his every activity. Would you do this? My marriage means to much to me to just let his emotional infidelity get the best of us both.
Please let me know your thoughts and advice.
This is my last straw before I BLOW UP.
He has lied to much and will do anything to protect this OW. So my marriage is on it's last leg so to speak. I have done everything in my power to make this marriage work. BUT he hasn't done anything to make me believe that he is willing to make it work.
HELP us with your advice PLEASE.<p>Sincerely Mrs_Debra

Mrs_D,<p>Bugging anything (computer, email, snail mail, mobile phones, etc) could be seen by your H as a controlling influence and therefore a LB. The only person you can control is yourself therefore I wouldn't bug..that's my personal opinion.<p>The WS will lie and they will protect the OW whilst the A is alive. That seems to be the norm, so it's to be expected.<p>To commit to your marriage, the first step is your H breaking contact with the OW. He has to do this. And you need to develop a great Plan A.<p>IMO, too many people rush to file D papers WAY TOO early, but given the emotional trauma and damage that an affair does, it's understandable.<p>good luck,<p>- Freddy<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Mrs Debra,<p>I would definately do it if you suspect something is going on there. This is information about your life that is being wrongfully withheld from you. You have a RESPONSIBILITY to yourself and your family to find out what the truth is so you can make an informed decision about your life. And as long as your WH withholds information from you, you have no chance of going forward. Just remember, no one has the RIGHT to privacy to destroy thier spouse. <p>I use the spy software at www.iopus.com the home edition. But you must pay the $40 for it or when the computer is restarted it will show a notice. You want it to be in the stealth mode. If you need help installing it properly, post here and I will help you.

Mrs_Debra,
i as will would say YES!!!! i think if u feel that something is going on then u should. u have every right to know what (h) is doing. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

If I could have, I would have........I hear spectornet, or something like that is good, and undetectable.<p>Be prepared....that stuff is going to hurt you immensely.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Mrs. Debra,
I did this. It hurt...and it helped. That is how the truth is. Do what you must to know what you must, that's my opinion.

Hi...<p>If you bugged your Hs PC - how did it help you? what did you learn? and how did you use that knowledge?<p>- Freddy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Freddy:
<strong>Hi...<p>If you bugged your Hs PC - how did it help you? what did you learn? and how did you use that knowledge?<p>- Freddy</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Freddy,<p>Bringing the truth out in the light of day led to the recovery of my marriage. As long as the truth remained hidden we were going nowhere and he continued his stonewalling. I had to know the truth. <p>Then later it helped in restoring my marriage because I knew that he was being faithful and because of the spy software, no longer had to live in doubt.<p>But the bottom line is that while the truth may HURT in the short run, it is ALWAYS best to know the truth ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE so you can make an informed decision on it. Keeping your head in the sand might feel nice, but it does nothing for making rational, informed decisions.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Freddy:
<strong>Hi...<p>If you bugged your Hs PC - how did it help you? what did you learn? and how did you use that knowledge?<p>- Freddy</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Freddy,
Don't you think it's important to know if your spouse is doing destructive things, against your best interest, behind your back? Wouldn't you consider that to be very important information that the BS needs to know? [and has a right to know?] And if a BS suspects this is happening, don't you think they have RESPONSIBILITY to weed it out?

Always an interesting subject here on MB....finding the truth.
It is technically an LB to tap the phone, bug the puter, stake out the wayward spouse, etc.
At some point we have to give the trust back to the wayward spouse. At some point they have to be accountable and agreeable to work on the marriage.
Every situation is so very different.
Debra, you know about the ea, you and h have agreed that he will stop, but you dont beleive he has or can? Bugging the puter will not stop his lying-he will find another way if he wants to keep the ea going. You need to get to the root of the problem.
We really do have some professional sleuths here that have done remarkable things! But in your case, seems a good plan a, working on the ENs and making usre he doesnt have time to be yakking would be a better route to take?

I agree with you MelodyLane because if the WS has agreed to work on the M and breaking up with the OP, THE BS NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRUTH with all the tools at her/his disposal. And THE WS NEEDS TO KNOW THAT THE TRUTH CAN NOT BE HIDDEN FOR LONG.<p>The WS is dependent on succesful lying to carry out her/his A. If WS realizes that this is no longer the case, then it forces WS to live up to the promise and committment to rebuild the M or to jettison from the M.<p>The BS knowing the truth can then wisely decide to go from plan A to plan B or from plan B to D.<p>Joe<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Ms Debra...what a difficult choice to have to make...I'm so sorry you have been put in that position. Personally, I would do it...because it is important to know whether or not he is indeed being honest. You have a right to know that and if you feel he isn't being honest, there is a good chance he isn't. There are many different software choices out there. I even have one around here somewhere (I am a computer geek). So if you can't find a free download let me know and I can probly email you some. But understand that if you do use this and if he is indeed being dishonest...there will be consequences. A liar never likes to be proven such...and it's highly unlikely his attitude will be one of remourse. Be prepared...that's the best advice I can give you. Good luck.

Freddy! I totally agree that most people run right out and file way too quickly! If H and I had done that I would say there's a good possibility we would not be together today. Everyone thought we were nuts because we would continue to be friendly even though we were planning on divorcing. We even went so far as to file after about a year, but 2 weeks before we were to go to court we decided it was not what we wanted...and the rest is history. We are rebuilding and it is wonderful. There are several couples in our area, however, who seperated and filed immediatly...and their divorces were the same day as ours was supposed to be. It's unfortunate they didn't give their emotions time to settle so they could have a clear head. Our ordeal may have stretched over 2 years, but the ending is the part that matters!

As I sit here and write I am listening to Barry Manilow. He has some great songs. I break out into tears at anything right now. I love life, I love my husband, my girls, & my family. But I have been so depressed. I don't know if it is because my marriage has been in trouble, or if it is because I just had a baby four months ago. Or somthing like Post partum baby blues. I don't know what it is. I have tried to talk to my husband about our marriage but he doesn't seem like he wants to hear about it any more. He says he is tired of me pressuring him. So it is as if I have exaulted every avenue to save my marriage. But with no success. He says he wants to stay married. But he doesn't act like it. Our sex life has been like the average house hold. one to three times per week. He worked mornings and I worked evenings and weekends so when we did finally see each other it was to catch up on each other. After we had our first daughter we still had the same type of schedule but with a new addition to our family. Our sexual needs didn't change. Now we have our second daughter who was born four months ago. This is when he started chatting and emailing this old high school friend. His sex drive is gone. When I say gone I mean GONE. He says it is because he is 40 years old now. And that his weight has a lot to do with it. He hasn't gained any more then what he has already weighed. But his sexual drive is plum dissapeared. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I need someone to please tell me if they know what this means. I can't take it any more. He has changed over the past four months. Please help with advice or comments.<p>
Thanks Mrs_Debra

I imagine it is unpleasant for a WS to get caught lying and cheating, but that unpleasantness can't supercede the BS' responsibility to protect himself/herself. And it can't supercede the BS' right to information that directly effects thier life. Especially when it is being wrongfully withheld from them. A WS does not have the right to privacy to destroy the BS, "love buster" or not.