My H cannot stand it when I cry, becuase of how he has treated me, and in fact he gets angry.. any one understand this, especially you guys? Is it gjust becuase he can't fix it? or thinks he can't, or is he overwhelmed...?<p>I do not try to cry, but even if tears come to my eyes... he gets angry at me... is it guilt? <p>He did not used to be so angry, before the a about crying, but never was very comforting anyway if I cried... <p>Sometimes I can't help it, and I jsut need to be held... <p>Any answers or advise?<p>Thanks, HONEY

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It's not my perception that men generally get angry when women cry. Embarrassed, maybe--or flustered, "not knowing how to fix it," as you said--while others are sympathetic. But if your H gets angry at you for crying, I do suspect there's guilt in there, yes. Also fear, perhaps; if he's an active alcoholic, that means you have to be the "strong one" in the family, and he could feel threatened if he thinks you're "caving in" as well. He'll never admit that, of course. Or if his own family was screwed up, he could have learned to see a woman crying as an attempt at "manipulation." But quite honestly, what I suspect more than anything is self-pity. He may be feeling angry because "his own life seems so awful, so what right do you have to cry about anything?" I'm very sorry. I'm sure you need a good hug!<p>Have you tried just asking him outright to give you one, and nothing else? If you have already, then just forget I said that and have a hug anyway!

You are right, I need a big hug, life is hard.. I am working way too much and exhausted.. I am going to see my H when I get off work, and hopefully that is what I will get.. I am going to ask. Thanks, H

It's called guilt. They don't want to know that they've hurt us in any way, and I also think it's something innate that men just respond a certain way to women's tears.<p>I also think that (when the men are in their right mind and not feeling guilty) men feel helpless because they want to make us not cry - or it at least spurs them into trying to make us stop because it's so moving. <p>It speaks to their sensitive side.<p>My WH doesn't like me to cry in front of him either and it's just plain guilt that makes him say that.<p>However, in Plan A we're supposed to make it seem like we're happy, so I try to keep the tears out of sight. Even with all of the pregnancy hormones pulsating through me right now.<p>K

Thanks friends, I really appreciate your support... I get so sad... but at the same time have hppiness.. I know that does so much for for rebiulding my M... thank the good lordl I know this, and see this! B8t, sometimes I want to be cared about! FUnny without demanding the caring, i get so much more than I ever asked for.<p>My M had built up to years of anger and resent ment from 2 teenagers who married, and so so in love, our love dwindeled with all the lb's we unknowingly committed to each other.. those lb's were normal normal normal and destructive destructive desteructive.. how elese could us siolly selfish kids of know n better.. .and especailly with all the demands of being a mom on me, and my self centered young handsome needing and wanting tired, fat and motherly me... when he really wanted miss hot and sexy used to be.. not miss mommy who hurt her back, and got resentful at all the lb's he did over the years... so that she ;b'd more and more, not that it was his fault or her fault, just 2 young marrieds, more in love than most people ever dream of being.. but more resentful and hurt by eah other than imaginable...<p>I sadly really think, all the demands the kids made on ME, mommy, made daddy mad and hurt.. and so dadxdy got madder at mommey ,a dn we became only daddy and mommy and no longer eac h other to each other any more... as you know that is how it sometimes happens... sad. but all those stupid responsiblities, make ligfe way too hard!<p>I love this man, we have actually had some time togeterh without our precious boys lately,a nd that is so oo good for us... also we need more time away from my family, sad , but true.. and my family is intruding as I need help as a single mom, uggghh, I do not want help, want only my H andc my kids, go away helpful parents.. I love you, but neeed distance.<p>HUGS< HONEY

The day of Saint Valentine, we have a little party, with candles and bubbly and caviar and so on. I gave a letter to my Wife thanking her for all the thing that she has done and tolerated over the 43 years of marriage. She came to me and we hug, and I cry, I cry a lot, she did not.
But she told me that a few nights ago she crt for the first time in several year and crying is good.
I agree, you should let your emotion out. If Crying will do it, it will help you. Do it.

Because they can't fix your tears with a power tool. But they couldn't be more wrong..... they (men) have the tools to fix it they just have not learned how to use it. What is that tool? Their mouth and heart. yea they stretch it, pump it but rarely use it in a gentle way to meet the EN that the woman in their life needs. <p>Ever watch Home Improvement?!?!?! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>JMHO,
L.

yhanks O, I wish he could learn.. he hates it when I cry, just cant stand it... and I just need a little bit of positive ness coming from his way... a little reassurance maybe, is that so bad? H

I was gonna let this thread pass but...I was struck with a sudden inspiration!<p>I agree with the guilt factor big time, but...what if there is also some jealous frustration involved? I'm sure that my H sometimes thinks I cry all the time and that it's my answer to everything. What if subconsciously they wish they could just start crying so everyone would feel sorry for them (I'm trying to think like a man here)and come pet them? If they could use crying as answer to every question, crisis and situation? <p>Just ponderin'.<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

I don't know... I never have seen my H cry in his life.. he says he does, but ony in private... and never would in front of me... <p>I do not know why this is such a thing to hide from me... I was shocked when he told me he cried in front of the OW-anyone care to analyze that... and not in front of me, hs lover for 17 yeras, and wife of 10?<p>Well, also I used to never cry too, I grew up strong and held it all in.. with my H one day... gradually- our relationship had been soooo good in the beginning I eventually cried, after 1-2 yrs of marriage.. I used to always anger, never cry! Still noone in my FOO cries in front of each other.. we were all way too strong.<p>ANyway, for me it was a great release, and at times, I still cannot cry... maybe I have already cried all the tears over my M... but it seems my H can say one mean thing to me, and the faucets turn on... only typically he gets overbearing , manipulative, etc.. when he starts on the mean tirade... it is strange that I can love a man who can be sooo cruel... it is like he is trying to punish me for perceived hurts I inflected on him over the years... well, he did this when here and before the a anyway too..he just at times has the capability to be very mean, and he really knows how to get my faucets turned on.<p>Anyway, I feel in my relationship with him, I aam very vulnerable.. and have always been.. so I can cry... <p>Anyone have a take?<p>Hugs, HONEY

Honey...
Just to be fair. My W WIFE gets frustrated at me when I cry lately. I don't know if its anger though. she has said she gets upset or angry because she feels it mean I am never happy with her or always disappointed in whatever she is doing.<p>I admitedly used to get frustrated also when my wife cried. Sometimes I felt that what she was upset about was trivial or something she was just being too stubborn to let go or accept. I wish your H could have a boot to the head. All of this was a wakeup call to me. Now of course I understand nothing is trivial. If it makes my wife upset it is VERY VERY important. I value her tears and her smiles and every word she says, because they are her feelings and they mean the world to me. <p>I hope your husband will learn to treasure you too.<p>-HI

It's the guilt...even if he doesn't realize it. I would get very upset and downright mean-mouthed when my husband would cry. It just made me feel like everything was my fault, so I would try to "show" him all the things he'd done to MAKE me act that way. Uuuugh...it's embarassing to even remember it. You have every right to cry...if he can't handle it then he needs to work on HIS ISSUES. Good luck.

thanks for the comments... sounds like him.. one little tear from real real pain... makes him go into abuse tirade.. it is horrid- yesterday... I made a comment over being upset at his father for sending our kids valentines to "His" "house" where he moved and did immoral things... his "dad" has been supportive of my H's 'seeking happiness' and 'finding peace" and supports all the bad things my H says about me to justify this CRAP he has done... so I got mad... about fil sending valentines to OUR kids at the "WHOREHOUSE" as I call it... well not to H, anymore.. htat is another story... but it is just too sad... and it started a major abuse sesssion... because I cannot say anything about "his" dad even if "his dad" is mistreating "his wife"... <p>I know it is wrong, and he should honor me first, the wife.. his wife... I hope my H can get there too. I cried so much yesterday after the abuse tirade I could not take it... and it all started from my comment on how I was hurt by his dad's actions.<p>thanks again guys.<p>HONEY

Could it be the covering up of fear?
This was revealed to me today by my daughter.
We were at the pool and this father starting throwing his daughter, who was screaming for him not to, he threw her into the middle of the pool and evidently she wasn't a good swimmner anyway. The wife went into the pool to rescue her and called him an #ss of course.
My 6 & 8 yo came right to me and asked to leave, which we did. The 8 year old just started crying really hard and I wanted to know exactly why. She said she didn't want to see anybody get hurt. The 6yo said she was scared he would grab her and throw her in too.
So even though they are unrelated, the guilt of what your H has done, may make him react in anger. It could also be afraid because he doesn't want to make himself appear vulnerable to you so he covers it up with anger, even though he may be feeling guilty.
I too try not to cry in front of my H. A couple of times now, though, I just start, I can't distract myself, and the tears silently run down my face. He still won't talk about the A to me, so I feel this is a stonewall in MY recovery. I'm feeling he just doesn't care about my feelings. Maybe he is afraid of what it till bring out and doesn't want to deal with it, but a little pain and dealing with it now, would prevent continued pain, anger, and eventual separation---those are my thoughts on this take.<p>Mikkey

I just would never get mad at anyone for crying... and I do think it is their self blame and guilt... I really do... sad, that this would be how someone any one loves would react to anothers tears.<p>H

honey, keep in mind that everyone reacts differently and that there are reasons for that. Upbringing, for one. I was raised very differently than some...so the ways I know to react are different than for another. Plus, you said that he's an alcoholic...that will most certainly change the way he will react to another, especially when you are showing weakness. I can understand your sadness that he's not more compassionate and remourseful. It's probable that he won't change that tone unless he gets some serious help.

tHANKS, he is very sick right now.. thank you for reminding me.. I need my alanon meeting. I spend time with him and enjoy them... and then he overreacts.... and gets so mean... I know he needs help, really badly... as now I am being banned from communicating from him as a punishment... boy, he really loves me... Ya know... I am not that desperate.. it is sad,,, sad sad to have him do this to our family.<p>At least I am not crying tongiht... I do think part of my tears flowing so much around him is his tone, his hatefulness and true meanness towards me.. is so intense- i am very sure that has a lot to do with the alcoholism. thanks again, HONEY