I've been registered here for about 6 weeks and when I first came it seemed as if everyone was supportive and offered wonderful advice. There seemed to be a bond of sorts. And the "old-timers" were very helpful to us newbies.<p>Lately I notice a lot of very anti-MB principle posts about violence, harrassing the OP and playing games with the WS. I don't know if it's the same people playing manipulative games here or if it's just a different genre of BS's. I do know that I have a hard time coming here and reading all the trivialities when people in real pain are getting no support or advice.<p>Am I the only one seeing this?

Hi totally ~ Yes I've noticed it too. But it tends to go in cycles. I've noticed that a whole crop of people that were here last year in agonizing pain have made a great deal of progress - either moving into recovery, or into personal healing and acceptance. And now we have a new batch of newcomers! I don't know what it is about the holidays, but I've read elsewhere that Jan and Feb are bad months [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It'll take awhile for everyone to settle in and start really working their plan A's. When that happens, the tone of the board gets better.<p>I agree with you that there is a lot of "manipulation" being suggested. I'm not crazy about the 180 trend here right now, because while some of it is very much in line with plan A, its very easily turned into manipulation. I don't think DivorceBusting has the same deep, inward focus and challenge to self-betterment that Plan A has. But some of the stuff can be incorporated into plan A - carefully, with the earnest intention to avoid manipulation.<p>But everyone has the right to seek their answers, and not everyone finds that the same stuff "works".<p>The board will bounce back - it always does [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

TL,<p>I can understand how it may look like a lot of discord around here as far as the posts about doing stuff to the OP or even the WS. But, there are times when the BS needs to vent, and if they vent towards the WS, that is a major LB! So, they come here to avoid acting on those LBs.<p>As the the 180 stuff, I personally see where it can help in some cases, yet hurt in others. It is something that needs to be looked at very closely before it is acted upon. <p>Like BR said, it does seem to go in waves, as far as new comers and oldies moving on. There has also been an influx of OP starting trouble(a couple months ago) and that causes the feeling here to shift as well. Stick it out. Keep asking for the support and advice that you are looking for at this time in your life. <p>Recovery takes time, and there are a lot of times when it feels as if it has all been for nothing, when you hit those trigger dates. And, if you think about it, the holidays, from Nov through Feb, are one of the biggest triggers, whether it be D-day times or just the fact that the family missed out on so much during the A.<p>I don't know if I made much sense, still drinking my morning coffee(still early where I'm at). But I just thought I'd offer my $ 0.02.<p>Tigger4

Hi TL, <p>Well it comes and goes in waves. The pain here also goes up and down. Some refer to it as a rollercoaster when it hits their personal turf. As you can see it also does the same here on the board also. <p>WS and OP bashing?!!! Well it is done. It is called venting. Better here than at home. On the TOW board the BS bashing goes on all year long. During the A the BS bashing goes on a lot more. <p>So BS, WS, friends/relatives, children, even OPs come here and sometimes bash a bit. Better here in words than in person and breaking the law. These situations are watched by the moderators. <p>If you read what is said the BS may bash in thought but the WS and OP bash in real life. Which would you rather have or would you rather see the BS hold it in until there is no other outlet than violence? No. <p>You also need to realize that during the A, some WS and OPs deliberately provoke many BS' to the point of insanity. Then realize that many are going through all this pain without the support of places like MB. <p>With all the above in perspective and then a bit more, what goes on here becomes easier to handle. <p>JMHO,
L.
PS: OW got her given A name here at MB. I have no regrets about that.

I think I've been misunderstood. I guess I'll be blunt about it.<p>It seems that there is an influx of people who post, post and post some more, with their posts adding up into the 300 and 500 mark in a weeks time. IMHO it seems to be a call for attention and it makes me wonder how much of what they post is actually happening. <p>Sorry no offense but if they're in as much of a mess as they say here then they need to seek professional counseling especially when children are involved and 5 year olds are awake at 2 am discussing the OW.<p>It just doesn't seem to ring true and I surely can not be the only one noticing this. Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention at all and it beats boredom.<p>Fire away, but that's how I feel.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by totally-lost:
<strong> IMHO it seems to be a call for attention and it makes me wonder how much of what they post is actually happening.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hello, t-l,
I totally understand what you are saying.....and agree 100% with your assessement.<p>In the case of a few "drama queens" on here, I have just quit posting to them! If they post on my thread, I just ignore them. There are literally hundreds of people registered here....think of it as a giant room with all these different personalities all in it. It's pretty easy to find a couple of people who "rub you the wrong way" - and pretty easy to just avoid them!<p>Anyway, for yourself, take what you feel is in YOUR best interest, listen to some of the "old-timers" - not necessarily the people with the most posts.....and you can get through this! Orchid and BrambleRose (two of my VERY favorite ladies, BTW) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] have given some very good advice to anyone who asks.<p>Lots of good people here, and sometimes good people get taken advantage of.

Thanks lupolady. Drama queens is the perfect word. I agree with you on Orchid and BrambleRose along with yourself, zorweb, WAT, Cali and a few others, all who give excellent advice on any number of situations. Recovery is so hard. It's great to have some level headed people who know the ropes. Thank you are for you indispensible advice

Hi, <p>It could also be related to the initial shock syndrome that many feel soon after d/d. Hey, if you went back and read some of my posts the first 6 months, you may have wanted to lock me up!! LOL!!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] But those things were happening and trying to find the correct settling point along with getting over the shock was very very hard. <p>Some have come here and threatened suicide. That is not to be taken lightly. I personally have talked to some MBers over the phone and myself been helped. We are not professionals, never claim to be but we are as a group able to understand what is involved when an A hits a family. <p>For each, the severity of the situation eventually settles to a point where they can handle it. Sometimes it rears it's ugly head again and then the roller coaster ride starts all over again. <p>For me, posting here gave me sanity. I may have drove a few others crazy but they did help me. Bramble Rose, Wat, Jo, Perserving, Sam,mthrbard, Sheryl (NB), Buffy, Sing, Zorweb, Lupo, Lora, HbH, Cali, Faith1, Rick37, Indy, Redhat, Jeffers, JDmac, NSR, OneGoing, JL, and many more helped me in my time of need. Now I try to do the same.<p>Just hang in here, take the good and discard the bad. Then you will see your benefit. <p>L.

I hear you too! I've been here since almost the year dot, and I've seen ups and downs the entire time!!<p>I have been on both sides of infidelity, and it's truly the most horrific thing in life. I have a son who tried to kill himself, and as awful as that was, it wasn't as bad as the infidelity. It may sound unbelievable, but it's true. I could "do something" about my son (and he survivied, thank God!) -- the marriage? -- well, it didn't survive.<p>I've had a bazillion posts here, and some have been more helpful than others. I am a drama queen myself, to be honest. I FEEL so MUCH about EVERYthing. <p>But... times are better... slowly but surely.<p>I wish you peace and continued healing.

Yippeee!<p>I've made it onto someone's helpful poster list. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (big smile, Orchid) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Do I get to make a nasty post now??<p>TL,
I noticed that over a period of about 2 weeks or so I wasn't recognizing *any* of the posters. I couldn't keep up with many of the stories... thought I was losing my mind. <p>Many of them seemed to already be at the end of their ropes... being talked to by others who were really angry as well. Seemed really hard to get a word in edgewise. Didn't seem to be enough old-timers to go around (JL was really, really busy).<p>I think I also read something about this being the busiest time of year for divorce lawyers, etc. Things always seem to settle down here...eventually.<p>Lupolady is right, you sometimes have to sift through the advice to find the true MB comments. Try not to take too much of the other stuff personally. <p>Jeffers

thank you totally-lost... for including me on your 'list.' [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I, too, jeffers, noticed the last two weeks or so were filled w/ new posters. As some of you may have noticed... (& maybe not), I have been taking a bit of a 'break.' I lurked and posted to a few... but my last couple of posts re: me were ... let's just say on the dramatic side... so I am in re-group mode... <p>Bramble-Rose... I am a big proponent of Divorce Remedy because I think that Weiner-Davis's 7 steps can help formulate a really good plan A... I know plan A is something I really struggled w/ when I first came here... not the 'doing' it... but 'what' it really was... 180s are doing things differently than you would normally do them... pulling away, if you would normally cling... not calling, if you would normally call... etc.<p>anyway... I have just decided I can't post to everyone... so I just kinda 'listen' for that poster that seems to 'speak' to me and remind me of the panic and shock that I had in my first days...<p>hugs and peace to all.<p>Cali

I am a relative newcomer myself, and I just wanted to say that the advice and help I have received from a lot of you has really been my sanity! Thank you all and don't give up on us. We need you...

O.K. I am new here, but who would be talking about the OW with a 5 year old at 2 a.m. I dont think that can possibly be accurate!!! My question is what exactly has to happen before recovery can begin...I know what the site says and SAA, but I want it from people who are dealing with it now. And are there any examples of no contact letters. Also, is there a place where we can question recovering/ed WS and OP's. And what is TOW?<p>Thank you!

If it helps anybody at all, I came here very hurt and confused not very long ago at all, but with all the wonderful advice, it finally sank in. I am still me, and still a nice person, and I can remain nice without being a doormat. I have vented, and I hope not too much, but that helped, too. It has been such a Godsend to have a place where people do understand what I've been going through. Best wishes too you all!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by totally-lost:
<strong>
Sorry no offense but if they're in as much of a mess as they say here then they need to seek professional counseling especially when children are involved and 5 year olds are awake at 2 am discussing the OW.<p>
Fire away, but that's how I feel.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I am guessing the above remark is in reguards to what I wrote last night at 2 a.m. about my 5 yr. old D For starters what happened was at dinner time...I just remembered it at 2 a.m. We do not discuss the OW, my husband put my daughter in the middle by taking her to the zoo with OW. I try to keep her a uninvolved as possible...but they are smart and pick up on things. Do not judge lest you be judged. <p>This will be my final post on this board...I have been called a coward and a bad mom. I finally got hte guts to come here after visiting the site for months, I had no outlet until then...I came here for support and I thank the ones who have given me that support and sound advice...you know who you are...Esp. Happy Hus and Snowwhite and Dara, you too Cathy. I don't need to be judged. I need a listening ear. <p>I wish you all well in your marriages. God Bless.

Being new here did I post in the wrong area? Please forgive my lack of knowledge. Faith-n-Hope doesn't sound like they will be back. I hope I am able to get the support here.

This is one of the RARE times that I have come here on the weekend....and I can't believe what I am reading!
First of all....we have no right to assume anything about anyone!
Second....even if someone thinks that we are a bad parent etc....we DON'T have to explain ourselves to people that we do not know....and don't know our whole story.<p>FnH.....you have no reason to leave.
I see your resolve weakening everday, hence your numorous posts. You CHOOSE who you want to explain yourself to. If you want to defend yourself etc.
I know that being accused of soemthing is not helping your situation and it really isn't something else that you need added to what you already have to deal with.....let this roll off of you....take a deep breath and ignore it please......but do stay here and post.<p>I am a parent of 3 daughters ages 11, 5 and 3 and I remember being up at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 a.m. with them during my H's A. WHY?
Because....my daughters knew that something was going on. Rather than tell them to go back to bed.....I took it upon myself to resolve the issue so that they could sleep better. If I would have ignored it then and just sent them back to bed then I would consider myself to be avoiding the fact that my children had issues that needed to be dealt with.<p>We ALL at one time or another have gone through a period were this board was our lifeline to saving our marriages and our sanity and I am a guilty party also in posting numorous amounts of posts in one day.<p>After a time of going through this and being a BS you do get a numbness and your emotions are drained and all you are looking for is answers....hence....posting multiple posts in one day......answers, answers, answers. We hope that someone on this board will give us that answer.<p>Before we all jump on a bandwagon and start accusing someone of being something or possibly not being something.....we should look back on what we ourselves have been through and then maybe we can understand what most of the newcomers are going through.<p>JMHO

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> O.K. I am new here, but who would be talking about the OW with a 5 year old at 2 a.m. I dont think that can possibly be accurate!!! My question is what exactly has to happen before recovery can begin...I know what the site says and SAA, but I want it from people who are dealing with it now. And are there any examples of no contact letters. Also, is there a place where we can question recovering/ed WS and OP's. And what is TOW?
Thank you!
<hr></blockquote><p>Q: Who would be talking to their 5 yr old at 2 a.m. about the OW?
A: Anyone that has a spouce involved in an A.
Children pick up on these things qicker than we think....and if the WS has put the OP in the picture with the children it causes confusion for them.<p>Q: What has to happen before recovery can begin?
A: My opinion.....the WS has to want to. It won't happen unless they do want to.<p>There is an example on a no contact letter in the bood Surviving An Affair.
There are recovering WS's and OP's on this board.
TOW is a web site for "The Other Woman". I do not recommend anyone to visit it myself.<p>I haven't seen any other posts from you....I will search for more if you have more.
Hope you find the help you are looking for.