How do you folks deal with these abuses of your love over and over? I'm not trying to cause doubt here, just understand. We have had a couple of instances of pornography and a near EA. If it had been a full-blown A, I'm sure I couldn't handle it. I took my vows seriously, but if my H took them seriously, he wouldn't treat me like some of your spouses treat you. We have had some pit-falls even beyond what is listed here, but H is on warning. He knows that I will not stick around for him to abuse me in the same way twice. That is why I am here...to prevent. I won't allow him to put my family through h*ll, just because he feels I am not meeting his needs. He knows I think God has given me an "out" in certain instances and if he dares tread there, he will be without me and our kids. I feel that with Faith-N-Hopes WH, he knows you don't want to get divorced and thinks he can treat you any ole way for as long as he wants. If it was me, I'd have told him, "You get it straightened out by tomorrow evening or the kids and I are gone." I don't believe God wants us to live in limbo like that over and over. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I'm not saying, FNH, that your H has done this more than once or that he deserves to lose you just because he hasn't given her the shove-off. I'm just using you as an example of why some H's might drag their feet. (Sorry if this hurts you.) I just don't think I could handle that. Why do some of you stay? Do you think it's healthy for you to stay?

I don't think it's healthy for ME to stay. In my case, obviously the M was flawed from the begining. The PEOPLE in the M were flawed, ill equipped to handle a real relationship and afraid of making waves. I'm not going out on a limb by saying that I believe it was MUCH more my H than me. Most of what sent him spiraling into depression was his own doing and within his power to change at any time. He chose to feel self pity, to treat me like it was all my fault, like the world owed him a favor, and then to cheat on me to boot. <p>I realize now that I should not have stuck it out for as long as I did. I should have had more self-respect and been more pro-active in my own life. I allowed myself to believe that he was making all of the decisions and I was standing back, waiting for him to make the "right" choices. I thought that this would absolve me of any wrongdoing. I gave him all of the power in the relationship, hoping he would use it well. I think that a lot of people with similar relationships stay just because they don't want to be the "bad guy" and call it off. Won't accept that much blame. <p>I saw the writing on the wall before we'd been married for a year, but rather than take action to make things good or leave, I chose to sit back and wait to see what he did. Well, guess what? I waited ten years of my life away and the result is no better than had I taken action years ago. <p>My D made her first reconcilliation today. I was really struck by the prayer for the forgivness of sin, "... I have sinned... in what I have done and in what I HAVE FAILED TO DO..." Isn't it a sin too to give my life and lifes choices up to a man, when the heavens were sending me clearly written messages that I should not? Something to think about. <p>Just MHO. <p>Snow

Again, I ask: Why do you do it over and over, some of you?

Hoping,
Forgive me for not knowing your story.<p>Have you read the Basic Concepts on the MB web-site?<p>Here's a link to Plan A and B basics.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html<p>The Harley principles are the reason most of us are doing this. The fact that Affairs don't last. THe idea behind Plan A is to work on SELF - look in the mirror to see if any changes in SELF need to be made - anything that contributed to the state of the marriage that allowed an affair to occur, while demonstrating these changes, and waiting for the A to run its course.<p>There are SOME people that do this too long. There are some people that put up with physical abuse, or extreme emotional abuse for too long. ANyone that comes to MB to learn and grow, is striving to find their limit, and striving to save marraiges and keep families together.... striving to do everything we can. And if the marriage fails anyway, we would have become sronger, better people in the process.<p>My 2 cents.

Thank you Snow and Faith. I know some have been through this time and time again. I admire some who can make it through the first affair and move on and have wonderful lives after. I admire the love of those who take it over and over. I just think that yes, enough is enough. I want to provide encouragement to others, in addition to preventing an affair in my marriage. I just wonder how you do it and why the ones who do it over and over can keep on going. (I am suggesting by my question that some should get out. But I also hope to dig way down in my soul to find the resolve for unconditional love.)